Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks

[worldangel]

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing. So..............

They buried her.

[worldangel]

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.

[worldangel]

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?" He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?" He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"

[worldangel]

Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed and immediately begins groping her.

She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So he sits up, folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better??"

She replies,"Much!"

To which he replies, "Okay. Now, will you please pass the pussy?"

[worldangel]

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

[worldangel]

There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.

The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.

Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"

[worldangel]

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

[worldangel]

One day a lady went into a confesional and said to the father, "Father I called a man a 'son of a bitch.'"

The father then replied, "What did he do to you?"

She retold the story. I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabbed my ass.

The preist interrupts, grabs her ass and says, "Like this?"

She says, "Yes just like that."

The priest replies, "Well that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

So she continued wit the story. "Then he grabbed my breast."

"Like this?" said the priest as he grabbed her breast.

"Yes, just like that. Is what I did ok now?"

"No." replied the priest.

She then proceeded. "Then he stuck his penis in me."

"Like this?" replied the priest, as he stuck his duplicated the act.

"Yes." she said. "Is what I did ok now?"

"No, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch" replied the priest.

She then told him the last part. "Then he told me he had herpies."

The priest replied "Why that son of a bitch!"

[worldangel]

One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.

The housewife explained that she'd had a party then night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.

"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."

"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times.

[worldangel]

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.

He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning..."

[worldangel]

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!" :oops:

[worldangel]

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

"What do I do?" he asks.

His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.

"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.

"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

[worldangel]

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"

[worldangel]

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.

He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit."

"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains.

After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said, "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

He paused ... then spat. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

[worldangel]

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?" Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?" Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

[worldangel]

A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for the fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

[worldangel]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of p--nographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted. :oops:

[worldangel]

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything. The heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc.

His wife is getting tired of his depressing talk, so she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife".

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that?"

Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh, it was only a . . . uh . . . butterfly".

"Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter. "Did you see the size of its dick?"

[worldangel]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlies says, "I just got into Chicago."

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,

"Bob, what are you doing?"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

[worldangel]

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated." Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it was no big deal!"

"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between gangrene and lipstick."

[worldangel]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[worldangel]

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shoot! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shoot! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[worldangel]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[worldangel]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes." :oops:

[worldangel]

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.

She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "A Waiter Crushed to Death!" :oops:

[worldangel]

A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home.

His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-inches!"

Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?" "Just a little at first" said the son. :oops:

[worldangel]

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog." :oops:

[worldangel]

A guy was hunting ducks in a farmers field, when a duck he shot landed in another field. The farmer who owned the field ran over and snatched up the duck and proceeded to pluck it.

"Hey said the hunter that's my duck. You don't know who your dealing with, I'm one of the best litigation lawyers, and if you don't give me back my duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

"Sir, I don't want you to sue me, but this duck is mine. But we settle things here by the kicking game"

"The kicking game, what the heck is that?"

"Well because I have the duck, I get to kick you for 10 minutes and then you kick me for 10 minutes, and we keep doing that for as long as someone is standing, winner gets the duck"

Thinking he can take the farmer the lawyer agrees.

The farmer proceeds to kick the lawyer repeatedly in the groin for the next 10 minutes.

The lawyer, blue and just barely able to stand gets up and mumbles, ok farmer my turn.

"Nope that's o.k. you win.... here's your duck"

[worldangel]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up!

[worldangel]

There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident. One day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought, he rushed to the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he could get his arms back for a million dollars. "

Wow," the doctor replied, "I just invented a completely voice activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though." So he showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man was amazed and bought the arm. The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his new advanced arm.

As they sat together he told the arm to pick up his pint of beer and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly and the friends were amazed. After a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to take his penis out and away he pissed.

Then he tells the arm to, "give it a little shake". The arm does and the man seemed to over-enjoy it, and so he looks around to make sure no one is looking and tells the arm to give it another little shake.

He gets a boner and once again turns around to make sure nobody's watching and then tells the arm, "jerk it off!" The arm pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in pain, "fxxk Me!"

So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more shocked at this stage shouts out, "Holy shit, would you look at that." The arm pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it right into one of his eyeballs!

[worldangel]

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed overseas. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex.

After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

[clementi]

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

[worldangel]

This guy in his 20's loved old women. The older, the better. He's sitting at a bar one day and sees this 80 year old widower.

So he buys her a drink, then another and so on untill he gets her feeling good. They go to his apartment where they start to engage in foreplay.

He starts kissing her, working his way down her neck, gets to her boobs and starts sucking.Soon, his mouth fills up with warm liquid. He swallows it and asks "aren't you too old to have milk?"

She replies "yep, too old to have milk but not too old to have cancer!"

[worldangel]

A 60-year-old woman goes to her doctor for her annual physical. He examines her thoroughly and says, 'Well, I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you.'

She then asked 'What's the bad news?' The doctor said 'I'm a little surprised, but you're pregnant!' She flew out of his office, ran home and called her husband at work. When he answered, she blurted out, 'You stupid old goat -- you got me pregnant!'

After a long pause, he said 'I'm sorry, but who is that calling?'

[worldangel]

A man is walking down the street and he hears in his head. "Stop! If you take one more step you will die!"

The man stops and a brick lands at his feet.

He keeps walking not watching where he was going and the voice says again.

"Stop! If you take one more step you will Regret it for the rest of your life!" The man stops and a lorry comes roaring by almost hitting him.

He thinks to himself "Who is telling me this?" The voice answers "You won't believe this but, I am your Guardian Angel and I am here to protect you." The man thinks to himself

"Where the Hell were you on my Wedding Day?"

[worldangel]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[worldangel]

There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.

The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a gun?" they ask.

"Do you have a knife?" "No," says the guy.

"Do you have a club?"

[worldangel]

A young woman bought a mirror at an antique shop, and hung it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully said "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."

Instantly, there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grew to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she ran to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both returned.

The husband crossed his fingers and said, "Mirror mirror, on the door, take my penis touch the floor!"

Again there was a bright flash, and his legs fell off.

[worldangel]

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and

sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?"

"Yes", the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

[worldangel]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl.

The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said

[worldangel]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

[worldangel]

A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo".

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.

"Well, if its all the same to you .....I think I'll go downstairs," says the lady.

"But you shouldn't go to hell...," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"

"That's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that." :oops:

[worldangel]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"

The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor an arsehole!"

[worldangel]

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble. The first man said "Please excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"

The man said "buy me a drink and I'll tell you."

The drink was ordered and the story began. " I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock.

She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

"Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn

[worldangel]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man.....But it's startin' to twitch".

[worldangel]

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's OK, but they won't let me fart."

[worldangel]

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady says "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[worldangel]

An eighty-four-year-old man goes to the doctor for his routine checkup. The doctor says,

[worldangel]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the husband. "The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it!"