Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Deaf lady in trouble

 

One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.

However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.

She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"


So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.

 

The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The pre-birth class

 

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Travel on the plane

 

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping for goods

 

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We have new babies

 

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where did I come from?

 

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared.

 

They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly.

 

 

"Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo parlour

 

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked.

 

 

She said, "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

 

 

Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At restaurant

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.

 

 

She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.”

 

 

I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandparents

 

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims.

 

 

The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.

 

 

The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Questioning

 

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo."

 

 

The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo."

 

 

The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles."

The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo."

 

The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms

 

A gynaecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

 

 

The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.

 

 

The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

 

[clementi]

Joke: An elderly couple

 

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’”

 

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try.

 

He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two buddies

 

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.

 

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wedding anniversary

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

 

 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

 

 He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hell and Heaven

 

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees.

 

 

He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven."

 

 

 So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom.

 

 

The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dora

 

Drinking gets you in many unpredictable positions.

 

Has your wife or girlfriend ever caught you passed out, sitting on the couch, with your pants around your ankles while you have a kung fu grip on your penis, like you're giving her the thumbs up on marrying such a subtle and discreet man?

 

Well, that wasn't the embarrassing thing about it. The porn on demand had ended, and the previous channel that had popped up was blaring, "Do-Da Dora, Do-Da Dora!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Screw you too.

 

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day.

 

Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."

 

The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?"

 

The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex life

 

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better.

 

 

However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him.

 

There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Homeless men

 

Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea: "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we won’t have to pay. It's brilliant!"

 

 

The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says, "This is great, getting all these free drinks!

"

The other man replies, "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blow job

 

A man walks into a pub and asks for 12 shots of vodka. The barman says, "Wow, 12. Are you celebrating?" The man replies, "I've just experienced my first blow job."

 

The barman says, "That's brilliant. Let me get you another one on the house."

 

The man replies, "No, that's okay. If the twelfth one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The little Suzie

 

One day, little Suzie and her mom are walking down a beach when they see a couple having sex. Little Suzie asks her mother, "What are they doing?" And her mother replies, "They're baking a cake" so that she doesn't have to explain sex to little Suzie.

Later that day, after mom has tucked little Suzie into bed, little Suzie's dad comes home. Mom and dad decide to have sex on the couch.

The next morning, little Suzie goes up to mom and asks, "Mommy, were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"

Mom replies, "Yes we were, Suzie. How did you know?"

Suzie replies, "Cause I saw some icing on the couch."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spelling test
 

The Little Rascal's class were having a spelling test. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word "admire" in a sentence.

 

 

Spanky raises his hand and says, "I admire my dog." "Good job," the teacher replies, "Now, who can use 'respect' in a sentence?" Alfalfa raises his hand and says, "I respect Spanky for admiring his dog."

 

 

"Ok, " replies the teacher, "now who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" There is silence in the class, then all of a sudden Buckwheat says, "Darla how did my dictate !?!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day ........

 

One day, little Johnny's mother walked by his room and sees Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they're married.

 

A few weeks later, the mother asks Johnny, "How are you doing with that problem we talked about?" Little Johnny cheerfully says, "Great so far! I saved about a quart!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The penguin

 

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out.

 

So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream. Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak.

 

He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fathers

 

A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!"

 

 

Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!"

 

 

Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom." All the other fathers say in unison, "My Goodness!"

 

The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pass out in shock

 

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

[worldangel]

Joke: My wife is pregnant

 

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Delivering a baby

 

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the public pool

 

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Have a first child

 

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: SMS

 

She sends him a SMS message:

- My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.

He answers:
- I’m on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two drunks

 

Two drunks are making conversation at the bar:

-Tell me, how does your wife reacts when you come home drunk?

- I'm not married!

- And why are you drinking?

[worldangel]

Joke: Impotent

 

A woman is complaining to her neighbour:

- My husband is 300% impotent.
- A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%.

- Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bachelor & Married man

 

A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed.

Married man has belly because when he comes to the bad he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.

[worldangel]

Joke: Aspirin

 

Two girls:

 

- Which is the best contraceptive?
- An aspirin.

- ???
- Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.

[worldangel]

Joke: Weekend

 

Husband asks his wife:

- Would you like to spend a nice weekend?
- Of course my dear!
- See you on Monday then.

[worldangel]

Joke: Elephants

 

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:

-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants

-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!

[worldangel]

Joke: Diarhea

 

A man at the doctors:

-Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won’t go away!
-Did you try using a lemon?
-Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Policeman

 

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:

- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.

The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.

- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Narrow mountain road

 

On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?

- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.

After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.

- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vacation

 

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.

- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.

 

- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.

 

- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stress

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital.

 

 

This is stress.  In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father.

 

 

This is a big stress already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile.

 

 

This is a stress, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex toy

 

In a sex toys store a guy asks for an inflatable doll.

 

The seller:
- Would you like a regular one, or the one with artificial intellect?
- With artificial intellect, please.

The next day the same guy returns and asks:
- Please change it to a regular one…

- Why?
- She didn't give it to me

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gynaecologist & Barbershop

 

A girl comes to a gynaecologist. She undresses and sits down with legs wide apart. Doctor: Up!

The girl lift her legs up.
- Up!
The girl lifts her legs even higher.
- Up!!! – shouts doc.

Girl: - Doc, I can’t lift them higher.
Doc: - The clinic of gynaecologist is up on the Second Floor. It‘s the barber shop here.
 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Celebration

 

A man enters in a wine store and asks the seller:

- What would you advise me for the 25 anniversary of the wedding?

- Dear sir, it depends if you want to celebrate or to forget.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Yes and No

 

Two policemen are in a patrol car:

- Could you check if the directional’s work on your side of the car?

 

The other policeman looks through the window and says:

- Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The blonde

 

A blonde calls the police:

- You have to come immediately, my car has just been stolen in front of my house.

- Did you see the thief?

- No but I wrote down the license plate number.

 

[clementi]

Joke: English

 

Sam informed the mother that he took a bad mark in English.
- What you have written?

Sam pulls out his notebook and begins to read:

- One day I go to school and I see in front of me a piece of shit. The shit is green, it must be Marco’s, he likes the vegetables a lot. I continue my walk to school and after a while I see another shit. This one is dark brown, certainly it belongs to Simon because he loves to eat dark chocolate. I continue the walk finding another piece of shit but this time it was really big. It is definitely John’s; he is fat and eat a lot.

- All right but tell me, what was the topic of the story?

- You recognize a true friend in the needs.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tom and his boss

 

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:

- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The boss replies:

- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.