Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A salesman telephone a household ...

 

 

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You see a gorgeous girl at a party

 

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.


Youre at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, Im very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Pregnancy

 

A lot of things have changed in my life since I got to know that my girlfriend got pregnant.

 

My name, living address, phone number...

[clementi]

Joke: Marriage

Anyone who says their wedding days was the best day of their life, has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: You mean ….

 

 

A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school.

As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a faetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question.

 

Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is.

The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

 

The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"

[clementi]

Joke: The backpacker

 

 

A hippie backpacker from the Swiss Alps was tramping across a farmers field when it got dark. He asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer agreed but said he would have to sleep in bed with his 18 year old daughter. The farmer told him, "If I catch you molesting my daughter I'll shoot you!" That night the hippie and the farmer’s daughter got it on and had a great time.

 

 

The farmer could hear the goings on from the next room. In the morning he opened the door and asked the hippie, "Did you have sex with my daughter?" The hippie was a Jesus freak so he decided to be honest: "Yes, I did. Please forgive me." The farmer took the hippie out back of the house and pointed a shotgun at him. "Ya got any last words, bub?" he asked.

 

 

The Swiss hippie said, "Yodelayheehoo!" Then the farmer shot him. When the Sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he shot the man just for having sex with his daughter. The farmer replied, "Well, I didn't really have a problem with him screwing Bonnie. I was just gonna scare him a little, but when he said, 'Yer 'ol lady too!' that's when I blew his head off."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Commercial advertisement

 

 

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable.

 

 

This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.

 

This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.

 

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic Penny

After putting their three-year-old child Brian in bed, his parents heard muffled sobs coming from his room one night. Rushing back in, they found that the child was crying hysterically when he saw them. He told his parents that he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure that he would die now.

 

The father, in an attempt to sober him down, took out a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it out from Brian's ear. The child was really thrilled and stopped crying at once.

 

In a flash, he snatched the penny from his dad's hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Little Beach Bum

 

A father was enjoying with his five-year-old son in the beach. Suddenly, the boy pointed to a dead bird and asked his father "Dad, what happened to this chap?"

 

The dad coolly replied "Oh this? He just died and went to Heaven," The little boy thought for a moment and then said, "Oh My, Did the Heaven throw him back down?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Glass of Water

 

A small boy came up to his dad and meekly said "Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"

 

The dad replied "But I've given you 10 glasses of water already son!" The little boy then said, "Oh yes daddy, but the bedroom is still on fire!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Zoo

 

 

A small boy was at the zoo with his father.  They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

 

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

 

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

 

“ …Which bus would I take home?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $$$$

 

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on

 

 

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

[worldangel]

Joke: Bug

 

 

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

 

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.

 

After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

 

“Oh, nothing,” the boy said.  “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Father-In Law Jokes

 

Often it is the mother-in-law who gets all the limelight for being well what they are than the comfortably cornered father-in-law! But if you have a father-in-law, you will know what great delight they are to be with.

 

It is one relationship that you usually don't give much thought into until you are into it and then you realize how special your father-in-laws can be.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Father’s occupation

 

 

Joe: What does your father do for a living?

Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who's the Boss?

 

While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"

 

The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess." The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Joy Ride

 

Bob was 16 and finally got hold of his driver's license. In order to celebrate the special day, the whole family went out to the driveway and climbed into the car to enjoy his first official drive.

 

However, dad went to the back seat, where he sat right behind his boy. When Bob saw his dad he said "Dad, you must be fed up of the front seat after teaching me how to drive all these days Right?"

 

"Nope!", came the quick reply from the dad. "I'm going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me for the last sixteen years!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Report Card

 

 

Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.

Johnny: I don’t have it.

Johnny’s father: Why not?

Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Ugly Person Illness

 

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" 

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Upset Is Unhealthy

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied. 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Promoting An Office

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. 

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why ! 

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : 

Psycho-

the-

rapist.

[worldangel]

Joke: You Are A Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flying In The Plane

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. 

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" 

"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!" 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dropped Your Wallet

 

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

 

Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Often Feel Guilty

 

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctors Meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The travelling salesman

 

 

A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn. The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole. Got it?"

 

 

The salesman thanked him and bedded down on a pile of hay. About midnight he got real horny and decided to take a poke at the first hole. It was good but not really satisfying so he took a poke at the second hole. It was even better but he still wasn't satisfied so he thought about the third hole and reasoned to himself, "If that first hole was pretty good and the second hole was even better, I'll bet that third hole will really do the trick!"

 

 

The next morning the farmer noticed the salesman was still sleeping so he went about his chores and late in the afternoon he finally saw the salesman wake up. "Damn, son! You been sleeping a long time! What happened?" "Well," the salesman replied. "I should have listened to you. I got horny last night and tried that first hole and it was pretty fair but not really satisfying so I tried the second hole. It was good but didn't do the job so I took on that third hole. Say, what's behind them holes anyway?" "Son, that first hole is my sheep, Dolly. The second hole is my mare, Sally, and that third hole is my milking machine and that thing don't quit till it gets a quart!"

[clementi]

Joke: Soccer team

 

 

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."

 

 

The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

 

 

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."

 

 

The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

 

[clementi]

Gay Joke: Red roses

 

 

Two gay guys are sitting at a little pub looking out the window in a small town. This guy walks by, and the one guy says to the other, "Who is that?" The other man says, "That's the new proctologist." He replies, "Well, I've got to meet him."

 

 

The next day, he makes an appointment and goes in to see him. The doctor asks him, "What's the problem?" and he replies, "I have a terrible pain in my butt." The doctor says, "Well, let's take a look at it." So he bends over, and the doctor gets down to look in his ass, and he says, "Oh My goodness! There's a stick up your ass."

 

The gay man then says, "Well, pull it out, pull it out! So he starts to pull it out, and notices that it has thorns on it. "Oh my Goodness! There are thorns on it? Well, pull it out, pull it out!"

 

 

"Oh my Goodness! It's a rose!" As the gay man exclaims, "Well, read the card, read the card!"

 

"It said Have a Nice Day"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Name Of Your Wife

 

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  I Deserve A First Class Seat

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feel Better Now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you." 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  I Have A Question

 

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Passing An Exam

 

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heavy Weight

 

Once a thief enters a house, and after he is done while leaving some noise appear and he gets caught by the wife and the husband.

 

The heavy weight wife with her full energy makes the thief flat on the floor and sits right over his back and tells her husband to go and call the police.

 

The husband goes out and comes back again, the wife asks sitting on the thief’s back, why are you still here, the husband say I want my shoes but I am not getting my shoes, the thief almost loosing his breath away, in deep pain says, SIR! YOU CAN TAKE MINE AND PLEASE HURRY UP.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Finish the Start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. 

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. 

I feel better already. 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Accountant In Heaven

 

 

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!" 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Just Happened Here?

 

 

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Businessman Is Dying

 

 

 

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

[clementi]

Joke: A Mental Hospital

 

 

 

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry." 

[clementi]

Joke:  Better Relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

 

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. 

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?" 

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Teachers

 

Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20."   He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.

Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.

As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"

The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Solving problem

 

 

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams.

 

First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

 

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Trouble sleeping

 

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist’s office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fascinate

 

 

Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone uses fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating."

 

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence."

 

Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde & Brunette
 

 

A blonde and brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist.

 

The brunette asked why she had a rope tied around her waist. The blonde answered that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You're supposed to put the rope around your neck."

 

The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paparazzi

 

 

Teacher: "If Astronomy is the name for the study of celestial objects, what would you call a person who studies the stars?" 

Blonde student: "Paparazzi!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Simple Maths

 

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Homework

 

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding ring

 

 

 

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" 

 

Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher,

 

"If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parluor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

 

Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"