Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Stranded on island

 

 

Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says, "I will grant you one weapon with which to kill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins."

 

The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies.

 

The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says, "Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lolly jar

 

 

A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?"

 

His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"

 

The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hairy Dick

 

 

Harry, Mary, and Dick are great friends. One day, they discover a magical fence. You can jump over it, say what you want to be, and it will transform you into it.

 

Mary walks off to go to the bathroom. Harry jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a mailman." So he turns into a mailman. Dick jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a whale."

 

So he turns into a whale. Mary returns from the bathroom and doesn't recognize her friends. She decides to go looking for them.

 

Mary jumps over the fence asking, "Harry? Dick?" And she turns into hairy dick.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a bar

 

 

A guy at a bar says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 I can pee in that cup all the way over there at the end of the bar."

 

The bartender agrees, so the guy whips it out and he pees all over the bar. Having just won $1,000, the bartender starts smiling. The guy goes over to a table where his friends are seating and collects a bunch of money from them. He walks back to the bar, gives the bartender his $1,000, and then starts laughing.

 

The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The guy says, "Before I bet you, I bet all of my friends over there $2,000 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would be happy about it!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a urinal

 

 

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.

 

The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up. "Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

 

Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?"

 

Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart surgery

 

 

A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know."

 

The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!"

 

After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?"

 

The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What???" and starts crying.

 

The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Jack Sh*t

 

 

For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You dont know Jack Sh*t." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

Jack Sh*t is the only son of Awe Sh*t, who married O Sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep 'N Sh*t, Inc. In turn, Jack Sh*t married No Sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school dropout.

 

After 15 years, Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t married Lotta Sh*t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Sh*t. Fulla Sh*t and Giva Sh*t married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding.

 

The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Sh*t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Sh*t!

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sea pirates

 

 

A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.”

 

The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates.

 

They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “

 

I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?”

 

“No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!” “Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Travelling

 

 

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

 

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman.

 

The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska."

 

The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two guys

 

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light."

 

The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time."

 

They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time."

 

So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?"

 

The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Statue

 

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled.

 

Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish.

 

The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says.

 

"You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile.

 

The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The farmer

 

One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself.

 

Next the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, I will kill you."

 

 

He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him. Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother.

 

He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive." He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The duck

 

One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question.

 

The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!"

 

The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails."

 

The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Married

 

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."

"That must have hurt," said the judge.

"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant with my child

 

 

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun

 

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 Year Old Nightie

 

 

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. 

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. 

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?" 

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." 

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" 

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." 

"Well, what was it?" she asked. 

He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' " 

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" 

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Rope and Two Knots

 

 

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

 

 

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls night out

 

 

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feel Better

 

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

 

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
 

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" 

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Extra Office Work

 

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

[worldangel]

Joke: Soybeans

 

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."

"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.

 

 

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"

"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory Class

 

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. 

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. 

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. 

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" 

"A rose?" asked the neighbor. 

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Lessons

 

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

[worldangel]

Joke: Male assertiveness

 

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. 

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. 

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. 

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. 

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" 
 

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[worldangel]

Joke: You're a Statue

 

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

'Don't move! You're a statue!'

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spaghetti

 

 

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Golden Anniversary

 

 

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." 

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 

"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Before I Die

 

 

Showing his friend around his his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. 

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." 

"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!" 

"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank robber

 

 

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says, 'Open the vault skank'. The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don’t have any money here'.

 

The man says, 'Open the vault right now or I ‘m going to blow your fucking head off'. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'. The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here. This is a sperm bank'.

 

The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off'. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'. She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, I’m not drinking sperm. We don’t have any money here. Please leave'.

 

The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'. So the woman takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that fucking difficult is it'. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bus Stop

 

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck and the Bear

 

 

Well, once upon a time, there was this redneck who decided to go hunting. After a full day of hunting, he didn't kill anything to he decided to pack up and go home when all of a sudden, he sees a bear and decides to shoot it. 

 

He fires one shot, but misses.  The bear comes up to him and says, "You just tried to kill me!"  But the redneck says no my gun went off by itself, but the bear does not believe him and says, "Now I'm gonna fuck you in the ass."  So after the bear is done with the redneck, the redneck says, " fuckin bear, I'm gonna kill you." and fires again..But he misses for a second time. 

 

The bear comes up to him and says, " You just tried to kill me again!" And the redneck says "no, I dropped my gun and it went off again".  The bear doesn't believe him and says, " I'm gonna make you suck my dick."  So after the bear is done with him he leaves, and the redneck is real mad  and fires a third time. 

 

But again he misses.  So the bear comes up to him and says, "You didn't come here to hunt, did you?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fathead

 

 

A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?" The son stumbles on his words and the father again says, "What do you want fathead?"

 

A lady close by says, "why do you keep calling your son fat head".

 

And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along. 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Small hotel

 

 

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

 

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dear Dad

 

 

An old father living alone in the country wanted to plant his pepper garden, but the ground was too hard and he was too old to do the work. His only son who use to help him was in prison for robbing a bank. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

 

"Dear Jake, I’ve been very depressed lately because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my peppers this year. You know how much your mother loved planting peppers this time of year, but I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would have been over. I know you would have been happy to dig the plot for me." Love, Dad

 

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

 

"Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden! That’s where I buried the THINGS!" Love, Jake At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area looking for the THINGS. They apologized to the old man after not finding anything and left.

 

 

The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

"Dear Dad, Happy Father’s Day! Go ahead and plant your peppers now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances." Love, Jake 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

 Joke: Texas Baby

 

 

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!" Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar.

 

The bartender says, "Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "18 pounds." The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 24 pounds at birth."

 

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Car Accident

 

 

 A badminton player and a tennis player get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are heavily damaged, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

 

After they crawl out of their cars, the tennis player spots the other's tennis gear and says, "So you're a badminton player, that's interesting. I'm a tennis pro... Gosh! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The badminton player replied: "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

 

The tennis player continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the badminton player.

 

The badminton man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big gulps from the bottle, then hands it back to the tennis pro. The tennis pro takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the badminton player.

 

The badminton player asks, "Aren't you having any?" The tennis pro replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police to turn up and sort this out..." 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fishing vs Sex

 

 

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises. When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

 

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go.

 

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

 

 Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing. 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Doctor

 

 A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighbouring farm was giving birth.

 

He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 21 lbs 13 oz. 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Lure

 

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell.

 

The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks!

 

You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Turkey

 

Alice entered a butcher shop just when it was about to close.

She said to the butcher, "Thank God I made it in time! Do you have any chicken?"

The butcher opened his refrigerator and took out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs three and a half pounds.

"Don't you have anything bigger?" Alice asks.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows four and a half pounds.

"Great!" says Alice. "I'll have both of them please."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bum Deodorant

 

 

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom."

[worldangel]

Joke: What would you like for your birthday....

 

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

 

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

 

 

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

 

 

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." 

[worldangel]

The 9,999^th post

 

Joke: Panic at the hotel...

 

 

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

 

 

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

 

 

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

 

 

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

The 10,000^th post

 

Joke: On their second night after the wedding

 

On their second night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the sheets. Turning anxiously towards his bride, he tenderly informs his wife that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the usual stuff. She, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was. So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom.

"Mom," she says, "My new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means."

"Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."

"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies. So she hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her lover, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Caught My Eye

 

 

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. 

"Is this yours?" he asked. 

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. 

 

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?" 

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" 

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" 

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Things You Never Use

 

 

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!" 

"Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?" 

"Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied. 

"Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen. 

 

"I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me." 

"Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Second Opinion

 

 

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home. 

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" 

She says, "I was in bed." 

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor. 

"Getting a second opinion!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rodeo Position

 

 

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!" 

and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The bride tells her husband

 

 

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

 

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!