Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I get no respect

 

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get." "I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof." "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

 

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing." "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid..there are so many places they can hide."

 

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said..

 

On your mark..." "On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year..one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different..when I answer the door the kids hand me candy." "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

 

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Diagnose this patient...

 

 

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

 

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

 

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Just Fred

 

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," the driver replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks.

 

"Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

 

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. "When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

 

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

 

"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Worms

 

 

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

 

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.Third worm in sperm - dead.Fourth worm in soil - alive.

 

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment." Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Two hikers were walking through...

 

 

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.

 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down.

 

Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.

 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.

 

The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Using Nails On A House

 

These two new flies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away.

 

This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."

 

The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!" 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Having a Beer

 

 

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone.

 

The man then leaves. On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

 

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times." The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves.

 

A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious.

 

The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?" The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Terrible Accident

 

 

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

 

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.' The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

 

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

 

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.' 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fish in the bag

 

 

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" 

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." 

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

[worldangel]

Joke: The bank robbers

 

 

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. 

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. 

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat." 

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Polishing apples

 

 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill & Moe

 

 

Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes. 

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. 

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped. 

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this." 

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fancy cooking

 

 

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." 

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. 

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sneezing

 

 

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. 

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" 

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." 

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" 

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange cemetery noise

 

 

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". 

Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. 

He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

[worldangel]

Joke: Job test cheaters

 

 

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. 

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. 

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. 

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." 

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. 

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. 

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. 

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cause and effect

 

 

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew. After some time, one said to the other , "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck". "Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee." His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued. 

"You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off." 

"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?" 

"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye." 

"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out? No, that was the first day I had my hook."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Expectant father

 

 

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. 

"How's it going?" he asked. 

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

[clementi]

Joke: Ads on a bus

 

 

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. 

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. " 

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin." 

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself." 

"BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I couldn't help not laughing out loud." 

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

[clementi]

Gay Joke: Red roses 

 

 

Two gay guys are sitting at a little pub looking out the window in a small town. This guy walks by, and the one guy says to the other, "Who is that?" The other man says, "That's the new proctologist." He replies, "Well, I've got to meet him."

 

The next day, he makes an appointment and goes in to see him. The doctor asks him, "What's the problem?" and he replies, "I have a terrible pain in my butt." The doctor says, "Well, let's take a look at it." So he bends over, and the doctor gets down to look in his ass, and he says, "Oh My goodness! There's a stick up your ass."

 

The gay man then says, "Well, pull it out, pull it out! So he starts to pull it out, and notices that it has thorns on it. "Oh my God! There are thorns on it? Well, pull it out, pull it out!"

 

As he pulls it out, he see it's a rose. "Oh my God! It's a rose!" As the gay man exclaims, "Well, read the card, read the card!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Too far in

 

 

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" 

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. 

"Go get help.", he pleads. 

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." 

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." 

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" 

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Futuristic Motel

 

 

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. 

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." 

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. 

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." 

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. 

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. 

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. 

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

[worldangel]

Joke: Traveller needs a room

 

 

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted" 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." 

"No problem," the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it." 

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived. 

"Never better." John said. 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" 

"Nope. I shut him up in no time." 

"How'd you manage that?" 

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me.

[worldangel]

Joke: Guts & balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Baby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy Mother’s Day

 

 

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again, "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you.'"

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing by rules

 

 

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" 

The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" 

The little boy nodded yes. 

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" 

Again the little boy nodded. 

"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lottery Winner  

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"

 

 

She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

 

 

He replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant wife

 

 

A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. 

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Whom to marry

 

 

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"

Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bed football

 

 

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!" 

His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?" 

He simply replied, "Just playing bed football." 

Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7." 

The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?" 

He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How do you expect to get into heaven?

 

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

 

 

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I think I'm shrinking!

 

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

 

 

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Things...

 

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

 

 

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Government Cuts Costs

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fish Heads

 

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvelled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

 

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Savings

 

Mr. and Mrs. Val were visited by a door to door salesman. He tried hard to sell a deep freezer to them and they were reluctant and unconvinced. Finally the salesman said: “If you buy this freezer you will save on food bills enough to pay for the freezer.”

Exasperated, Mrs. Val replied: “It is like this. We are paying for the house on what we are saving on the rent. We are paying for cable TV on what we are saving on movie tickets. Not to mention the damn car for which we are paying on what we save on taxi fares. We cannot afford to save anymore now.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Disappearing dinner...

 

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

 

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shut Up and Trouble were walking ...

 

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."

He asked again "What's your name?"

"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"

"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Airplane ride...

 

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

 

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

 

 

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

 

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

 

 

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

 

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you doing this evening?

 

 

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from the cabin of her boss. She was shaking with anger, so a colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said, "The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."

The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"

Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Send in help...

A guy calls the hospital and a nurse answers the phone.

 

 

The guy said, "Send in help because my wife is going into labour."

 

 

The nurse said, "Is this her first child?"

 

 

The guy replied, "No, this is her husband."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Scared sleeping

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Passing an exam

 

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy was running for an eleva...

 

 

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?"

She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the gentleman where he was going.

He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".

The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor?

The blonde responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first."

[worldangel]

Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

 

 

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....

 

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Like son like father....

 

 

Junior had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

 

 

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

 

 

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Push Please

 

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

 

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Customer: Do you have and cock...

 

 

Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?

Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

[clementi]

Joke: Hospital

 

 

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

 

 

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

 

 

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Once there was a girl who want...

 

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"