Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," he replied. She answered, "Well today I didn't do it!"

[worldangel]

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man."

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business- like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,

It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,

I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

[worldangel]

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.

The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

[worldangel]

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied, "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied, "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked, "Where did you get that?"

His wife replied, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"

His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked, "How come you put so little water in the tub?"

He replied, "I didn't want to wet your bingo card!"

[worldangel]

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"NOW, TELL HIM YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!!"

[worldangel]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, and wore a sly grin, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter which read as follows.

Dear friends,

We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear to God Almighty, I'm going to kill the idiot who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.

[worldangel]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. "I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.

"Twenty dollars? Are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he says.

"NO! Get away from me." "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he pleads.

She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough.. and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.. "Well, OK.. but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.." while he is caressing them.

So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answers, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars.

[worldangel]

There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed.

Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed.

As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?" He asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead.

Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and siad.."Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

[worldangel]

So these two brother go up their log cabin way out in the boonies to do some hunting. As they are walking through the woods, one of the brothers steps on a snake and the snakes reaches up and bites him directly in the crotch!

Immediately he begins to get woozy. His brother quickly picks him up and carries him the ten miles back to the log cabin. Since the are miles from any hospital, he calls a doctor to see if he can do anything for his sickly brother. The doctor asks him what kind of snake it was.

He says:"I don't know. It was about three feet long and was striped yellow and black." The doctor says: "Oh, that's a very poisonous snake. You'll have to suck the posion out or your brother will be dead in half an hour."

So he goes to the room where he left his brother and his brother asks, barely conscious :"What did the doctor say?" And his brother says:"You'll be dead in half an hour."

[worldangel]

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you'vebrushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my god," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

[worldangel]

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy.

It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart." :oops:

[worldangel]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[worldangel]

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"

She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

[worldangel]

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!" :oops:

[worldangel]

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not going to open the store!"

[worldangel]

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.

She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting?

He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony.

Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gushed. Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

[worldangel]

Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time and ends up at a gay bar. there he meets an attractive young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening. When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over to his place.

They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.

As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you like my feminine side?"

[worldangel]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked here."

[worldangel]

A man was in court for murder and the judge says " You have been found guilty of beating your wife to death with a hammer" A voice in the back of the courtroom says "You bastard".

Then the judge continues "You have also been found guilty of beating your daughter to death with a hammer" Again, the voice in the back of the court says "You bastard"

The judge says "Now, we can't have any more outbursts like that again or I will find you in contempt of court. Now, what's your problem?

The man in the back of the courtroom says "For 15 years I've lived next door to this bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one."

[worldangel]

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas.

The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

[worldangel]

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman.

The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."

The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821

[worldangel]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'

[worldangel]

A Rich Man Has An Accident. A man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!!!", he demanded.

"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my!", exclaimed the man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"

[worldangel]

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".

Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".

Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test".

Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed

to death".

Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".

Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why not?".

Man: "Because I'm dead drunk"

[worldangel]

A truck driver stopped at a road side diner for lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie.

As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down the apple pie.

The Truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left.

When he was gone, one of the motorcyclists said, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied, "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles." :oops:

[worldangel]

This guy is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work." "What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge.."

[worldangel]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman -clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.".

[worldangel]

Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."

"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real asshole!"

[worldangel]

A man enters a barber shop and asks how long before he can have his hair cut. The barber looks round and replies, "Two hours." The man leaves the shop. The next day the man again enters the shop and asks how long before he can have a hair cut. The barber again replies, "Two hours." The man walks out.

The next day, again at the same time the same man enters and asks how long for a hair cut. Again the answer is two hours. He walks out and the barber asks his friend to follow him and see where he goes. Twenty minutes pass and the friend finally returns in stitches laughing. "Well," asks the barber, where does he go?"

The man replies, "Your house."

[worldangel]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times"

[worldangel]

Ray, the local Stationmaster, was having a beer at the pub with his mates. "I had an incredible experience last night," he said. "I saw something lying on the tracks so I went to investigate.

I found a woman who had tied herself to the tracks!" "So what did you do?" asked his mates.

"I untied her and took her back to my place and made a strong cup of coffee. Then I poured a couple of drinks, put on some soft music, one thing led to another, and I finished up having the wildest night of sex I've ever had!" he bragged.

"Was she good looking?" asked a drinker. "Dunno" said Ray, "I couln't find her head. :oops:

[worldangel]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[worldangel]

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has.

The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.

The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.

The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, "Its pussy willow." He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."

[worldangel]

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea.

He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes, it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

[worldangel]

A man and womam got divorced after about three years. The woman decided to find another man. She went out and dated several men, but could not find one who satsifed her in bed.

So she decided to try a woman. She went to different places and bars trying to find someone. Then she met this woman They talked and hit it off ok. So they went home and went to bed together.

After they had finished having sex the woman said you know that wasn't all that good. At this point the other woman rolled over and said "That's OK, sugar. You weren't any better when we were married."

[worldangel]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing." A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

[worldangel]

Nigel bumped into Steve and his friend Paul at the bar where the lawyers meet on Friday night for a drink. It was always a big night for one-up-man-ship. Whilst having a drink together, a phone started to ring and Nigel stuck his thumb in his ear and started talking into his little finger.

"It's the latest technology", he explained. "I've had a silicon chip inserted into my thumb and another into my little finger, and I've got a little amplifier in my ear. It's better than screwing around with one of those cumbersome mobile phones."

The next time they met, a phone rang again whilst they were having a drink. This time Paul answered, merely by talking. "It's the latest technology", he said. "It's the tooth phone. Not as instructive as sticking your thumb in your ear and talking into your little finger. I've had a silicon chip inserted into a hollow tooth and another inserted into my ear."

"Are you O.K.", asked Nigel. "Don't worry," Steve replied, "it's just a fax coming through."

[sotong_sg]

Missing this portion :

Later , they hear a ringing sound, and Steve ran to the toilet... Nigel and Paul thought something was wrong and went in to help Steve.

Then they saw Steve stuff a piece of toilet paper into his ass and standing against the wall waiting..

THEN :

"Are you O.K.", asked Nigel. "Don't worry," Steve replied, "it's just a fax coming through."

[worldangel]

Missing this portion :

Later , they hear a ringing sound, and Steve ran to the toilet... Nigel and Paul thought something was wrong and went in to help Steve.

Then they saw Steve stuff a piece of toilet paper into his ass and standing against the wall waiting..

THEN :

"Are you O.K.", asked Nigel. "Don't worry," Steve replied, "it's just a fax coming through."

Thanks for the correction, Sotong :thumb:

[worldangel]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the aitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[worldangel]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly aid, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

[worldangel]

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight.

He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock." she says over her morning coffee.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

[worldangel]

So these two brothers go up their log cabin way out in the boonies to do some hunting. As they are walking through the woods, one of the brothers steps on a snake and the snakes reaches up and bites him directly in the crotch! Immediately he begins to get woozy.

His brother quickly picks him up and carries him the ten miles back to the log cabin. Since the are miles from any hospital, he calls a doctor to see if he can do anything for his sickly brother.

The doctor asks him what kind of snake it was. He says:"I don't know. It was about three feet long and was striped yellow and black." The doctor says: "Oh, that's a very poisonous snake. You'll have to suck the posion out or your brother will be dead in half an hour."

So he goes to the room where he left his brother and his brother asks, barely conscious :"What did the doctor say?" And his brother says:"You'll be dead in half an hour."

[worldangel]

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

"Warming up your supper!" she replies. :oops:

[worldangel]

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

[worldangel]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points that he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a cheque for $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had just received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

[worldangel]

English...........I Love You

Spanish.......... Te Amo

French........... Je T'aime

German.......... Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu

Italian.......... Ti Amo

Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni

Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig

Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget

Greek............ S'Agapo

Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe

Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat

Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh

Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya

Albanian....... Une Te Dua

Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua

Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum

Hungarian...... Se Ret Lay

Persian....... Du Stet Daram

Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok

Catalan...... Testimo Molt

American.... Nice Tits

[worldangel]

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?"

His reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.

Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fxxk-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fxxk-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!"

The Chief replied "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fxxk-em all!"

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried,"Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fxxk deer. Asshole too high and fxxkers run too fast. No fxxk deer!"

[worldangel]

An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.

He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"

[worldangel]

A man went into a chemists looking for condoms. Unfortunately he didn