Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Repeat and repeat

 

A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.

"The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition, repetition is the keynote!" he advised.

"If you have a product to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people's throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to get results!"

"Yes, sir!" the employee answered.

"And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.

The employee replied, "An increment! An increment! An increment! An increment! An increment! An increment! An increment!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Problem on the farm

 

 

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of the truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you'll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby feeding

 

A man is sitting next to a woman who's trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus.

The baby refuses to suck the breast & the mother warns, "If you don't suck, I shall give it to the uncle next to me."

The baby still refuses. After about 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat.

The man clears his throat and says, "Look, madam, you better make up your mind. I was suppose to get Off six bus-stops ago."

[worldangel]

Joke:Job application

 

 

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was: "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The obvious reason

 

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're ugly!

[worldangel]

Joke: Favourite bakery

 

An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Christmas for mom

 

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

[worldangel]

Joke:A pirate’s story

 

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The army hospital

 

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: 

"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.


He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

[clementi]

Joke:The nightie

 

 

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. 

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. 

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" 

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" 

[clementi]

Joke:Pest control

 

 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked. 

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator. 

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. 

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. 

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. 

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards." 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Big feet

 

 

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. 

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" 

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fermah services before." 

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

 

[clementi]

Joke:Busy bus stop

 

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. 

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." 

[clementi]

Joke:Sunburn

 

 

A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. 

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" 

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:New poultry farmer

 

A new farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a poultry operation.

Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the new farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local extension office, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Flashing traffic camera

 

 

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. 

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. 

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. 

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. 

He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result. 

He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. 

Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail......for driving WITHOUT A SEAT BELT.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Medicare for senior citizens

 

 

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets. 
You are allowed to shoot four Politicians. 

Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head all the health care you need. 

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered. 

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now. 

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. 

And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. 

Is this a great country or what?

[worldangel]

Joke:The same old story

 

 

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.

He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."

A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."

When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." The old man said, "And the same old story!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Devil shopping

 

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeding alligators

 

An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area. For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbours occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearance.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond n*ked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

[worldangel]

Joke:Why seniors still need newspaper?

 

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if she had a newspaper handy.

"This is the 21st century Dad," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, use my I Pad."

I can tell you this: that fly never knew what hit him.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:A silent man

 

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home. 

"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she returning?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The train manager & the complaint

 

 

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: 
"You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour." 

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again, a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. 

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical, but, the wife insists the story is true. 

"Look, lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" 

So, he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. 
"What," he says in an ominous tone, "are you doing here?" 

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The ultimate pill

 

 

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.

He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ......... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The mazing kitchen logic

 

 

Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss' wine bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed colour when water is added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed colour from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe's misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies.

So he shouted, "Joe!!!" Joe answered from the kitchen, "Yes boss?"

James, "Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?"

There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, "What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with 'Yes Boss' and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence!!!"

Joe said, "It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don"thear anything else that is said, I swear."

James, "How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?"

So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted, "Boss!!!"

Boss, "Yes Joe?"

Joe, "Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam's absence?"

Silence - no reply. Joe again, "Who made the maid pregnant?"

No reply. Joe, yet again, "And who arranged for her abortion?"

James came running from the kitchen and said, "You are right Joe. When one is in kitchen, one can't hear anything but one's name. That's bloody strange!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Delivery routes

 

 

A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse.

He says:
- To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.

- To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.

- To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.

- And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown.

The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!!"

And the wife retorts, "Rich??? Lucky??? Are you fucking kidding me!!!?? He is a Milkman!!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Washing machine

 

 

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’”

 

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try.

 

He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Welcome to hell

 

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees.

 

He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven."

 

So the friend in Hell says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mailman

 

I'm a mailman. At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread. After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more."

 

She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined. I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't." I ask, "What was all this about?" She says, "I asked the husband what to give the mailman."

 

He said, "Screw the mailman, breakfast was my idea."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom company

 

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention.

 

While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase carrying her samples of condoms all over the floor.

 

As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. "It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention."

[worldangel]

Joke: Penguin

 

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. So the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get an ice cream.

 

Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal."

 

"Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Soccer team

 

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."

 

The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

 

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."

 

The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

[worldangel]

Joke: An Affair

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

 

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

 

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An overweight guy

 

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.

 

This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.

 

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dark secret

 

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dentist or Gynaecologist

 

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

 

The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynaecologist.”

 

“I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

[worldangel]

Joke: 25^th wedding anniversary

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

 

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

 

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

 

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position.

 

The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

 

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pre-mature ejaculation

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

 

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

 

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

 

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wisdom

 

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. 

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband." 

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade." 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Wife or mistress

 

 

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. 

The engineer said, "I like both." 

"Both?" they asked. 

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Recent survey

 

 

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: 

Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. 

Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. 

Eighty-three percent said it was to go home. 

[clementi]

Joke: Being 6 again

 

 

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! 

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" 

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." 

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong. 

[clementi]

Joke:Social security sex

 

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" 

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." 

"Social Security sex?" 

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" 

[clementi]

Joke: Two widows

 

 

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. 

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." 

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! " 

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" 

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" 

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress." 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Girlfriends

 

 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. 

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. 

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. 

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. 

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. 

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits. 

 

[clementi]

Joke:7 kinds of sex

 

 

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: 

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. 

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. 

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. 

The 4th kind of sex is called: !Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you". 

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. 

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. 

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on! 

[clementi]

Joke:Ex-girlfriend

 

 

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. 

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. 

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" 

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! 

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" 

So I hung up. 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Wrong choice

 

 

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. 

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. 

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." 

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. 

Services are pending. 

[clementi]

Joke:Birth control

 

 

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're religious  so we can't use it." 

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." 

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." 

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask. 

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him"