Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke:Quit smoking

 

 

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. 

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." 

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." 

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." 

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had. 

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing doctor

 

 

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking “Playing doctor” with his wife was becoming routine and boring. 

"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" 

"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" 

"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Caller question

 

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" 

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism." 

[worldangel]

Joke:Married bliss

 

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!' 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, ‘'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' 

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!! 

[worldangel]

Joke:Threesome

 

I met an older woman at a bar last night. 

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome? 

I said no. 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. 

I went back to her place. 

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: 

"Mom you still awake?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The maid

 

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. 
The guy says, "Who is this?" 
"This is the maid.", answered the woman. 
"We don't have a maid!" 

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." 
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" 
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." 
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" 
"What do I have to do?" 

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." 
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. 
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!" 

"What?! There's no pool here?" 

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?" 

[worldangel]

Joke:Plugged in

 

 

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?" 

To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!" 

The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts. 

He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music." 

"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Phone call at night

 

 

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" – and promptly slams the phone down. 

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 

The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Operation

 

 

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. 

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. 

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. 

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. 

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." 

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Taking advantage of the debts

 

 

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. 

"Hi, is Tony home?" 

"No, he went to the store.", she replies. 

"Well, you mind if I wait?" 

"No, come in." 

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundredbucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Visit to the zoo

 

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. 

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" 

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. 

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." 

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. 

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. 

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Old man

 

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." 

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. 

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Built like a baby

 

 

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room. 

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. 

The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me." 

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested. 

The husband says, "I can deal with that." 

He takes off her shirt and shouts, Boy! you are small, but I love you anyway. 

The husband says, That he has something to confess also. 

She says, "No matter what I will still love you." 

He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there." 

She says, "I can deal with that." 

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up. 

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?" 

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

 

[clementi]

Joke: The bridge

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me." 

The man thought about it for a long time. 

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy." 

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" 

[clementi]

Joke:The elevator

 

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. 

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother". 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Dinner party

 

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. 

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. 

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. 

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. 

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

[clementi]

Joke:Try an affair

 

 

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. 

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. 

"But what if my wife finds out?" 

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" 

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." 

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."

[clementi]

Joke:Old oral sex

 

 

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "fuck you!" 

A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband. 

After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bearly possible

 

 

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." 

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[clementi]

Joke: Midnight phone call

 

 

The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home:
- Hello!
- At what time does the store open?
- At ten o'clock sir.


At two in the morning, the phone rings again: 
- HELLO!
- Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?
- AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir


Again, at four, the phone rings:
- H!E!L!L!O!
- Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?
- At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in.
- I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out! 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Gift mix-up

 

 

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. 

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. 

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: 

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove." 

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart." 

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. " 

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. " 

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Horse Sense

 

 

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Me Too

 

 

The husband returns home one day and tells his wife, "Hi honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD."

"Why did you do that?! We don't even have a CD player!" replied the wife..

"So what... have I ever asked why you keep on buying bras?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sharing Hotel Rooms

 

 

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why White?

 

 

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Bird’s nest soup

 

A westerner woman travelling in south-east Asia was horrified to be served bird's nest soup.

"Do you mean to say this actually is a bird's nest?" she protested.

The chef assured her that it was, explaining that the bird built the nest using its own saliva as glue.

"Are you saying I'm supposed to eat saliva from a bird?" she demanded. "I can't imagine anyone eating bird's saliva."

Realizing that there was no hope of converting her, the chef asked what she would prefer instead.

She answered, "Oh, just fix me an omelette."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A perfect son

 

 

A: I have the perfect son. 

B: Does he smoke? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: Does he drink whiskey? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: Does he ever come home late? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Work and prison

 

In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison: You get three meals a day.
At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison: You get time off for good behaviour.
At work: You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing wife

 

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.

Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes?

Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-Color of the car? . . . 

 

Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip-tronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door ............. and then the husband started crying …

 

Inspector: -Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At psychiatrist’s clinic

 

A woman seated herself in the psychiatrist’s office.

 

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

 

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

 

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

 

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer

 

 

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

 

The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

 

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

 

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Very Depressed Man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[worldangel]

Joke: Arriving Home Very Drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Does Your Dog Bite?

 

 

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Drinks For Everyone

 

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the man’s orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Giving Away A Horse

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. 

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. 

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. 

"I am." said the man. 

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" 

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." 

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. 

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer. 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  He Is A Very Fast Drinker

 

 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. 

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" 

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Very Hostile Farmer

 

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eat The Watermelons

 

 

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. 

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Politician’s Accident

 

 

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how the politicians lie." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife Isn't In The Car

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You Looked A Lot Like My Wife

 

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." 

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. 

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First Blow Job

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. 

The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!" 

The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!" 

"No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Didn't Get Any Money This Time

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. 

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" 

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." 

"Gee, that's tough," he replied. 

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." 

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." 

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." 

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." 

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!" 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Trying To Prove A Point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'll Trust You That You Paid

 

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done,  the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. 

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." 

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. 

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." 

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. 

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." 

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Bet I Can Bite Both Of My Eyes

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

[clementi]

Joke: Flying In The Plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid-west, and had been married years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desired deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." 

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an argument.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to their problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[clementi]

Joke: Gift For A Birthday

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

 

[clementi]

Joke: How Have Times Changed?

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!