Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Visiting A Rural Farm

 

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. 

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long. 

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver. 

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. 

The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig." 

[clementi]

Joke: Be afraid if you annoy this husband

 

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

[clementi]

Joke: Interviewing crazy

 

 

 

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

[clementi]

Joke: Experiment on dog

 

 

 

Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.

For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.

As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: I Am Afraid Of That Tarmac

 

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. 

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? 

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bean soup

 

 

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care where it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

[clementi]

Joke: I Get So Drunk That I Imagine Things

 

 

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection." 

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes." 

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:I Have A Magical Dancing Duck

 

 

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" 

[clementi]

Joke: I'm Just Trying To Be Helpful

 

 

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Story Of A Very Short Man

 

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?" 

"Oh, sure. He can drink." 

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. 

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" 

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" 

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: My Girlfriend Is Out In The Car

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Use The Word

 

A pre-school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can also be grey or orange."

Then a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn the trees are brown."

Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!"

"OK. Then I have definitely shit my pants."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Are A Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loud, Mad, Or Sad

 

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Heavy Weight

 

Once a thief enters a house, and after he is done while leaving some noise appear and he gets caught by the wife and the husband, the heavy weight wife with her full energy makes the thief flat on the floor and sits right over his back and tells her husband to go and call the police, the husband goes out and comes back again, the wife asks sitting on the thiefs back, why are you still here, the husband say I want my shoes but i am not getting my shoes, the thief almost loosing his breath away, in deep pain says, SIR! YOU CAN TAKE MINE AND PLEASE HURRY UP.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New face

 

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. 

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! 

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." 

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worst scenario

 

 

A man came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her. 

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. 

"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously. 

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. 

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?" 

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Finish The Start

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. 

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. 

I feel better already. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice to hear

 

 

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. 

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" 

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. 

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cherry Hill

 

 

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?"

 

He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill."

 

Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill."

 

Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?"

 

The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Soldier

 

 

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

 

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.

 

The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Underwear

 

 

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man.

 

Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said.

 

The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take off the clothes

 

 

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt.

 

Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.”

 

So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stomach ache

 

 

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied.

 

"You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

 

Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vasectomy

 

 

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan.

 

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing.

 

The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"

 

"Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Liver & Cheese

 

 

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

 

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

 

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." 

 

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

 

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

 

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

 

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

 

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mama needs a pair of shoes

 

 

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

 

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

 

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

 

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The handy-woman

 

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

 

The conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

 

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke :Home Medical Remedy

 

 

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

 

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

 

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

 

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Law, Schmaw!

 

 

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

 

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

 

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

 

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

 

 

A conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

 

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

 

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

 

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

 

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...

[worldangel]

Joke: Needles are not nice

 

 

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

 

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

 

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

 

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Funding for froggies

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 

(You're gonna love this)

(A masterpiece)

(Here it comes)

 

The bank manager looks back at her and says ..

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.

Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The three little pigs

 

The three little pigs went out for dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink orders. "I want a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like to have a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" replied the third little piggie!

 

The drinks were brought and the waiter took their dinner orders. "I want a big, thick steak," said the first little piggie. "I want the salad plate," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" said the third little piggie!

 

The meals were brought out and a little while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I would like a banana split," said the first little piggie. "I want cheesecake," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" exclaimed the third little piggie!

 

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

 

The third piggie says...

*
*
*

"Well somebody has to wee, wee, wee all the way home!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:So much snow!

 

One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

 

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Soul seeking at a cemetery

 

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

 

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

 

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

 

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[worldangel]

Joke:Acting your age

 

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm four and a half!"

 

You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16!"

 

You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life...You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.

YOU BECOME 21.

YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

 

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

 

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

 

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

 

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

 

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

 

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

[worldangel]

Joke: My good ol’ dog

 

On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

 

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

 

The bumpkin replies, "No way dog's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

 

The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

"No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain'thongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

 

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'

 

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Courage

 

 

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.

 

"On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

 

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

 

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Free drinks for everybody!

 

 

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

 

The next night the same drunk comes in again, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

 

On the third night he comes in, the drunk comes in a says, "Drinks all around, except for you bartender!"

 

"What, no drink for me?" asks the bartender.

"No way...you get violent when you drink."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Hello Mother, hello father

 

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.

 

So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

 

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."

 

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the New York Knicks!"

"Why?" asks the judge.

 

"They never beat anybody."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Legal Misunderstandings

 

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

 

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When time talks

 

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

 

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.

 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.

 

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"

[worldangel]

Joke: How your hearing!

 

 

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.

When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

 

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

 

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

 

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Dallas."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The secret of happy marriage

 

A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

\

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

 

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

 

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

 

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[worldangel]

Joke: Caring with hair

 

 

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ’Thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

 

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

 

The next morning, the barber goes to open up, and there...waiting at his door...

...are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The salary theory

 

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

 

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

 

Since:

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

 

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

 

Conclusion:

The less you know, the more you make.

[clementi]

Joke: Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Feel Better Now

 

 

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you." 

[clementi]

Joke: Low Self-esteem

 

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."