Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: I Often Feel Guilty

 

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Scared Sleeping

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "yougotta help me, I'm going crazy!" 

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." 

"How much do you charge?" 

 

"A hundred dollars per visit." 

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. 

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever 

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. 

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." 

"Is that so! How?" 

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Promoting An Office

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. 

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why ! 

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-

the-

rapist.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Passing An Exam

 

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Free kisses

 

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."

 

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."

 

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses."

 

Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Am I a polar bear?

 

One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question dad?"

"Sure, son what is it?"

 

"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.

Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."

 

So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.

"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"

 

Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."

 

Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....

"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"

 

"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"

 

Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm freaking freezing! "

[worldangel]

Joke:Cooking with cannibals

 

 

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

 

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

 

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

 

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder..those are friars!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor, give me the good news!

 

 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

 

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

 

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

 

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

 

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

 

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

 

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Interview at a firm

 

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

 

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

 

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

 

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

 

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

 

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Puzzle

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed...

 

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The gentle touch of a lady

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

 

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 

"Tell him that there's no toilet paper in the ladies room."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The barber of Seville

 

 

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

 

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."

The guy left.

 

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

 

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

 

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said, "Your house."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three dog nite

 

 

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

 

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

 

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

 

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

 

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is it Halloween yet?

 

 

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

 

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!! "

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The buffalo theory

 

 

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here it is, for your enjoyment:

"Well, you see Norm, it's like this...

 

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

\

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Father knows best

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

 

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

 

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

 

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said: "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Bottle of red, bottle of white

 

 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

[clementi]

Joke: I wanna suck your blood

 

 

Dracula decides to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. The rules were simple. The bat who drinks the most blood would be the winter. He selects his three top bats to compete.

 

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

"Very good," says Dracula.

 

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive," Dracula replies.

 

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.

Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies. "Do you see that tower?"

Dracula replies, "Yes."

 

And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Talking dog for sale

 

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

 

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks."

Yep," the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story? "The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eaves- dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down .I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

[clementi]

Joke:Peeing-eye dog

 

 

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice, herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately pulls a doggie biscuit out of his pocket and offers it to the dog.

 

A businessman watches this from across the street. "Excuse me, sir," he calls to the blind man, "are you aware that your dog has just pissed all down the leg of your pants?"

"Yes," replies the blind man. "A dreadful habit, which I'm trying to break him of."

 

"Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"

 

The blind fellow chuckles, and says, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his butt!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Warning labels

 

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Salts

 

Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to use toilet.

 

"Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!"

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

 

"So what? That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet.

 

After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell.

The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.

 

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

 

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Foot dragging

 

 

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

 

Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.

 

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

 

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feetback."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Life’s a beach

 

 

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

 

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

 

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

 

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

 

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

 

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

 

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

 

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the seashore."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Don’t mess with grandma

 

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

 

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.

 

They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

 

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

 

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

 

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sweettooth

 

 

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

 

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Entrance to McDonald

 

 

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

 

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

[worldangel]

Joke: The wife’s knickers

 

 

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.

 

"You bet," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!"

 

"What's the rush?" his mate asked.

 

"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The bathtub test

 

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Telephone message

 

 

I dialled a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Meet my mistress

 

 

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

 

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Maternal miracles

 

 

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

 

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

 

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nanosecond

 

 

I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond?

 

My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a movie when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door.

 

Since I took a split second, she had to go to the mall and buy new outfits with jewelry, shoes, and purses to match.

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandfather

 

 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

 

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

 

Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

 

It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spelling test

 

 

The Little Rascal's class were having a spelling test. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word "admire" in a sentence.

 

Spanky raises his hand and says, "I admire my dog." "Good job," the teacher replies, "Now, who can use 'respect' in a sentence?" Alfalfa raises his hand and says, "I respect Spanky for admiring his dog."

 

"Ok, " replies the teacher, "now who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" There is silence in the class, then all of a sudden Buckwheat says, "Darla how did my dictate !?!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Salary

 

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

 

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

 

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

 

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandparents

 

 

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

 

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.

 

The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Amish meet The Elevator

 

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son, "Hurry boy - go get your mother!"

[clementi]

Joke: Fascinating Little Johnny!

 

 

 

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Lawyer

 

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

 

The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

 

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

 

The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Cinderblock

 

 

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

 

The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."

 

The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."

 

The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"

 

The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

 

[clementi]

Joke: The little Billy

 

 

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air.

 

Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father.

 

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Goodness, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At Walmart

 

 

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

 

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer.

 

"The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." 

 

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

 

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea." "What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure," said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants."

 

Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

 

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Travelling through the country

 

 

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

 

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman.

 

The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska."

 

The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old friends

 

 

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children.

 

One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby.

 

Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets."

 

The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmatians!

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart boy

 

A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college.

 

After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be pretty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?'' ''Ok, Pa.''

 

The son then says, ''Pi R squared.'' After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Got home early

 

 

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

 

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class."

 

She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"

 

Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Panties

 

 

A mother went to pick up her daughter from elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall.

 

When they got into the car, the mother said, "Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your panties." "Okay, mommy," the little girl replied.

 

The next day, the mother noticed her little girls hands looked dirty, so she asked, "You haven't been doing handstands again and letting those boys see your panties, have you?"

 

"Oh no, mummy," the daughter replied. "Honestly! I took them off first."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandfather’s farm

 

 

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm.

 

The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear.

 

Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately.

 

She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked.

 

The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"