Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I did!

 

 

Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing.

 

His mother asked "What's the matter?" "Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer," he said through his tears.

 

"That's not so serious," his mother said, "and a big boy like you shouldn't cry about that.

 

Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" cried Johnny.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chess enthusiasts

 

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

 

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re next

 

 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

 

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

 

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

 

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

[worldangel]

Joke: The truck driver

 

 

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.

 

The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car.

 

Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.

 

While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!"

 

The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The explorer

 

 

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”

 

The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”

 

“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful woman

 

 

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

 

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

 

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The proposal

 

 

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."

 

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It started

 

 

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"

 

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!"

 

She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

 

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I’m your husband

 

 

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

 

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

 

She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Someone like your mum

 

 

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."

 

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."

 

"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Wrong Solution

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" 

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. 

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" 

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. 

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Horse Pulls The Car


An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hurts All Over

A blonde goes to her doctor complaining of body pains. Her doctor asked "Where does it hurt?"

She touches her elbow and says, "here." She then touches her knee and says "here too."

The doctor asks if it hurts anywhere else.

She says it seems to be everything she touches hurts.

The doctor says, "Well there is your problem. Your finger is broken."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas: The Millionaire Gift
 

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. 

Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?' 

'Something for my mother, please,' replied young lady sweetly. 

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?' 

Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A millionaire son-in-law.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The robbery....

 

Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: So one day, Gramma sent her grandson...
 

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. 

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" 

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" 

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The lawyer was cross-examining
 

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rednecks Go Fishing


Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" 

 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Are you an honest lawyer...
 

An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
 

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The millionaire...

 

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the person who swims across that pool."
 

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked!
 

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.
 

The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dentist noticed that his next...
 

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put his gloves. 
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. 
"No, I don't." 

 

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." 
She didn't crack a smile. 

 

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. 
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 
"What's so funny?" he asked. 

 

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Turn signal...
 

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.
 

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
 

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
 

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: After working most of her life...
 

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicinesthat had been prescribed for her.

 

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, doyou realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" 
Yes, they help me sleep at night. " 

 

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in thesethat could possibly help you sleep!
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass oforange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believeme, it helps me sleep at night. "

 

You gotta love Grandmas!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to gain an extra vacation day

 

 

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

 

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off.

 

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of Sam Hill are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

 

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'

 

To which she replied: 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Interview at firm

 

 

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

 

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

 

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

 

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

 

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Maternal miracles

 

 

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

 

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

 

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you in for?

 

 

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

 

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

 

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

 

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

 

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Athritis

 

 

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office.

"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

 

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.

 

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A good time

 

 

Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care.

 

The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time.

"Oh," sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time."

 

"I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Social security sex

 

 

Two men were talking.

"So, how's your sex life?"

 

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

 

"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly romance

 

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.

 

The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."

 

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"

 

The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A serious car accident

 

 

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

 

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

 

Harry says, "My goodness. What's the good news?"

 

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Four streams

 

 

A girl goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out. I'm freakin' out. My pee's coming out in four streams."

 

He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do."

 

She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.

 

She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams."

 

He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wild ride

 

 

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair.

 

The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

 

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.

 

After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

 

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No symptoms

 

 

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

 

Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

 

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

 

"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

 

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Discharge

 

 

A young lady walks into a doctor’s clinic.

 

"Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."

 

The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says, "How does that feel?"

 

The young lady says, "Oooh, doctor that feels lovely, but the discharge is from my ear!!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Five penises

 

 

A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have five penises!"

 

The doctor says, "Good lord! How do your pants fit?"

 

The man replies, "Like a glove."

[clementi]

Joke: Sound and smell

 

 

A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now.

 

So the Doctor took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while.

 

At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell."

 

At this point, the Doctor scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman.

 

"What's this?" she asked, "some pills?"

 

"No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid. Come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A serious car accident

 

 

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

 

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

 

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

 

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Drill a tooth

 

 

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says, "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

 

The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

 

To which the dentist replies, "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Doctors on the beach

 

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii.

 

As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said, "Look at the legs among that group."

 

"Sorry old chap," replied the second doctor. "But I'm a chest man myself."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Guilty doctor

 

 

Howard had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

 

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

 

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

 

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Two or three

 

 

A man went to the doctor for a check-up.

"How do you feel?" asked the doctor.

 

"Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?"

"About two or three," the man replied.

 

"You should be doing better than that," the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month."

 

The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?"

 

"About two or three times," the man answered again.

"I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that."

 

"I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fond of animals

 

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

 

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

 

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm, physically attracted to my horse."

 

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"

 

"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am, GAY?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You’ve had it

 

 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

 

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

 

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

 

"Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

 

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "How much do I owe you?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reason to run

 

 

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

 

He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

 

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Some good news

 

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you."

 

The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs."

 

"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost

 

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

 

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

 

"Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

 

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost, I was just too tired to walk home."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guilt

 

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

 

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up sleeping with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

 

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

 

"NO!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Orange roughy

 

 

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.

On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

 

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

 

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

 

"But why?"

 

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."