worldangel Posted November 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2014 Joke: Memory problems Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2014 Joke: More uses A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order. One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?" The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!" "So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?" The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 23, 2014 Report Share Posted November 23, 2014 Joke: In bed Man writes an sms for a woman:- And how are you in bed? Receives an answer:- I am ok ... fit in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 23, 2014 Report Share Posted November 23, 2014 Joke: Not afraid- What are you doing?- I'm walking.- But it's dark!- I'm not afraid.- Very brave?- No... Very ugly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Loving husband A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Husband compliment A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Love life problems A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Marriage conclusion A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Rescue bill Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 (edited) Joke: Drunk driver A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs. Edited November 24, 2014 by worldangel Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Argument A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," the pro said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'." "Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Marriage A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Deaf night out Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Going to sleep \ It's closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. "God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours". "Sneaking's not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstairs, and yelling 'Hey baby, let's have sex'. When I do that, my wife always pretends she's sound asleep". Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Drunk again A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: Where are you from? I'm from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland. Of Course, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from? Dublin, comes the reply. I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin. Of course, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to? Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62. This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too! About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender. Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Bartender’s mistakes A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" The guy responds, "Double Scotch." The bartender gives him a double scotch and the guy swallows it in one gulp and then proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. The guy looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man. Once again the man swallows it in one gulp and proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. and once again he looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartenider pours another for the man. By the fifth round with the exact same reaction from the man each time the bartender finaly asks, "Hey buddy, I will fill you shot glass all night long, but you have to to me, What is in your pocket?" The guy looks up at the bartender and politely says, "It's a picture of my wife. I am just waiting for her to look pretty so I can go home." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Men earrings A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck..." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Happy pharmacist A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Pulling a tooth The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Poisonous snake 2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!". The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!". So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor. "Doctor, my friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.". The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friend asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?" The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Chastity belt In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key." The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Superheroes party It's annual superheroes new year’s party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting. All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed. "What’s up" asked Batman? "Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!" "Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman. "Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Flat tire A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill. The lights in a nearby health manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn, when he would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor. One word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another. Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's bed with an equally naked lady. In the morning Topper thanked her for her hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire, and drove off. About six months later, Topper received a call from his friend Herman Thompson. "Hey," said Thompson, "did you ever give my name to a lady in Rhinebeck, New York?" "Well, yes" answered Topper. "You know I am a married man, and I have a lovely wife and child. I gave her your name because you're a bachelor, and I didn't want any complications. I hope I didn't get you into any trouble." "No, no, on the contrary," replied his friend. "Her lawyer called me to inform me that I had inherited the manor and the lady's entire estate!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Rubbery Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Husband calling Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation. "Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked. "Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly. "Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?" "Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Anniversary A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: - Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? - Yes, honey, three times. - When was the first time? - Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. - Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? - Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you? - Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time? - Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Good question Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband: - Honey, I have a sad news - a gynecologist told me not have sex for a three weeks... Husband: - And what the dentist said? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Sex partners A doctor asks a patient while examining her: - How many sex partners did you have? - 5 or 6, don't remember exactly.. - Hmm, not that many... - Yes, that wasn't the most successful weekend... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Happy Son-in-law tells his mother-in-law: - We have been happy with your daughter for twenty years! - And what happened then? - We met each other... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Apologize A guy asks his friend: - Have you talked to the hero, who has saved you mother-in-law from drowning in the river? - Yes I did. He came and apologized. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: LSD A grandson asks his grandma: - Hey grandma, haven't you seen my LSD tabs? Grandma replies: - Forget those tabs. Have you seen that dragoon in the kitchen? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Poison Doc to a patient: - There are no doubts - you have been poisoned! - For goodness' sake, With what, Doc? - Don't worry, we'll find that out during dissection... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: French patient A French woman comes to the doctor. Doc: - Madam, I have some great news for you. - I'm Mademoiselle, not madam, please. - Mademoiselle, I have to upset you - you're pregnant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Carrots - Doc, is it true, that if I ate a lot of carrots, I won't need glasses? - Sure, have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: In a hospital A patient asks a doctor in a hospital: - Doc, what has happened to me? - Don't know, but the anatomy will reveal it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Radiation Three indicators that you have a radiation sickness 1. You are losing hair 2. Your skin is turning red 3. Your grave is bleak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Sex A doctor asks a patient: - Sir, were you using a condom during the last time you had sex? - Doctor, what do you mean by “the last time”? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Holidays The boss invites his employee: - Do you like warm beer? - Of course not. - And do you like sweaty women? - No. - So you will go on holiday during the winter months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Sleeping A boss tells his employee: - You are fired. You have been sleeping during the working hours. - But boss, I'm not the only one who did this. - That's right, but you were the only one who slept with my wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: A gift Son: Daddy, what should I give my girlfriend as a gift? Dad: How does she look? Son: She looks sweet, pretty, fun to be with and, of course, lovely.. Dad: Give her my number. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: From life in marriage A wife to her husband: - Honey, what are you doing? - I'm reading our marriage certificate. - What for? - I'm looking for the expiry date.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Prepare your husband Doctor: - Madam, please prepare your husband for the worst! Wife: - Oh God, will he die? Doctor: - No. He will not be allowed to drink any beer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Cosmetic surgery A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Examination A young guy comes to a doctor. After examination the doctor says: - So, we will have to cut one of your lungs. The guy is astonished and tells: - But doctor, my lungs have always been great, I have never had any problems with them. - I see it myself. But your liver have no room anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Ears and nose In a hospital: - do you have any problems with you ears or nose? - Yes, doc? - They hurt? - No, they impede when I'm trying to put on a sweater. In clinics: - Excuse me, are you a gynecologist? - No, but I can have a look at it. Doc to a patient: - Please, bend your knee. - Which way, doc? - Doc, we have lost our patient. - What happened? - He recovered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Gynaecologist The girl went to gynaecologist. Undressed, opened her legs. The doctor says: - Above! The girl picked up the legs above. The doctor says: - Above! Girl picked up even higher. The doctor already screaming: - Above! Girl: - Well where I can higher? I can't anymore! Physician - Gynaecologist office upstairs! Here is hairdresser! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: At psychiatrist At psychiatrist: - Do you consume alcohol? - No. - Do you smoke? - No. - Do you use drugs? - No. - Do you play cards? - No. - Do you run after other women? - No. - So why did you come to me? - You see, doc, I have one little problem - I lie a lot... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Pulling out a tooth Dentist: - Don’t worry, it will take me only a minute to pull your tooth out. Patient: - And how much will it cost me? - 100$. - For a 1 minute job?! - If you prefer, I can be pulling it out for one hour... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted November 24, 2014 Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Joke: Drive to maternity hospital A woman gets into a taxi and asks: - To maternity hospital, please.. After a while she asks the driver: - Do not drive so fast, please, I'm simply working there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted November 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 Joke: Murderous neighbour A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You t*ghtwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts