Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Height of work pressure

Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys.

Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand.

Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "Why is she not attending the weekly status call?"

I don't login to facebook, youtube, etc..at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize that I am at home.

Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye... in case of any issues will call you back"

Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it's in the recycle bin !

Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab. Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb. Thank god he didn't notice.

And I, after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen.

So avoid working so hard !

Have a great work-life balance.

Lastly.....

Height Of Work Pressure:

An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office.

[worldangel]

Joke: Chef on board

An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.

"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.

"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."

The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:

"The chef said you can kiss his A*s, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.

[worldangel]

Joke: A silent fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wait your turn

A youngster rushed into a barber's shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately.

"You wait your turn young man," said the barber, "I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to. It will take an hour or two."

The young fellow ran out of the barber's shop. He came the next day, the day after and for many days subsequently. Every time he was told to wait his turn, he fled.

Not being able to contain his curiosity, the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop.

The assistant did so and reported back, "I don't know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two, he runs to your home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Having a bad day

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

[worldangel]

Joke: Preferential treatment

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.

"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.

"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.

"No, your boyfriend told me that!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency signals

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

[worldangel]

Joke:Identical horses

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man & his babies

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.”

Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.”

The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a' running.''

And the doctor said, “Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is black.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two good old boys

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

[clementi]

Joke: A box

After the marriage the bride put a box next to her bed and told her husband never to open and check, what’s inside of it. 40 years passed and the husband impatiently opened the box and found there 3 empty bottles of beer and 14000$.

In the evening during the dinner he tells his wife:

- Darling, I have to admit, I opened the box. Would you explain why there are 3 bottles?

- You see, whenever I cheated on you, I emptied a bottle of beer and put it in a box…

The husband gives it a pause and thinks: well, 3 time, that isn’t so much…

- And why do you keep the 14000$ there?

- Well, when the bottles do not fit in the box, I return them and get back the deposit.

[clementi]

Joke: Four legs

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

-Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them.

[clementi]

Joke: About money

An elderly man remembers the good old days: “when I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras.

Vegetarians do not eat animals. They simply eat their food.

[clementi]

Joke: Or what?

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn`t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor`s office. The doctor asks her what`s wrong, why doesn`t she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that`s easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I`ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don`t have any money. The cab driver asks me, `Are you going to pay today, or what?` So, I take an `or what`."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I`m late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?` So, I take an `or what`.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what`.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

[clementi]

Joke: Changing Bob

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

[clementi]

Joke: Naked costume

A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a young naked woman on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.

"I'm a snail." The man replied.

"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young naked woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."

[clementi]

Joke: Drinking like crazy

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".

The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

[clementi]

Joke: Catching the gorilla

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

[clementi]

Joke: Could have been worse

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his

friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

[clementi]

Joke: No more women

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader`s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one`s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What`s that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you`re going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We`ve sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don`t use them I`ll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader`s store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren`t you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!

[clementi]

Joke: Duct tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[clementi]

Joke: Pills to the bull

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

[clementi]

Joke: Rye bread

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.

The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.

"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.

The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"

The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"

The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."

To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"

[clementi]

Joke: Pre-mature ejaculation

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.

She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"

The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking

A man is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly patient

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[worldangel]

Joke: Room service

A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee,watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the man.

"Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks the room service guy.

"I'm homesick", replies the man.

[worldangel]

Joke: Special day

Wife to Husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.

Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day.

Joke: Annual physical

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back

with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and

do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's

fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom

(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when

I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,

"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in

awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night

and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes

off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator

again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual physical

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back

with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and

do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's

fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom

(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when

I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,

"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in

awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night

and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes

off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator

again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good luck

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife says, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Favourite bakery

An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What a massage!

"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave.

Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case.

He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?

Sure, go ahead! said the customer.

[worldangel]

Joke:Pool rules

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Different girl

The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might get married.

"How long have you known the Girl?" His superior asked.

"A Week."

"Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant you a furlough."

In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise.

"So you still want to get married? My, My ! I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays."

"I know, sir. But it is not the same girl, sir."

[worldangel]

Joke: Flashing traffic camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.

He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail......for driving WITHOUT A SEAT BELT.

[worldangel]

Joke: The army hospital

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

[clementi]

Joke: Pickle slicer

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.

"You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

[clementi]

Joke: New secretary

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

[clementi]

Joke: Sex with Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

[clementi]

Joke: Lots of Vodka

Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka."

The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them."

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house."

The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"

[clementi]

Joke: Millionaire’s wife

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?

Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.?”

Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”

Millionaire: “A Billionaire”

[clementi]

Joke: Old curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[clementi]

Joke: How old are you?

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "make-out point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"

"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"

[clementi]

Joke: Concerned father

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.

[clementi]

Joke: Wrong operation

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up”, admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,?” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours”

[clementi]

Joke: Jack or Jill

A middle manager is called into his bosse’s office on a Monday morning.

He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the

next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it

doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to

figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill

standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be

one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.

Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's

in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to

think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and

Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything

okay?"

He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I

can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest

you jack off.

[clementi]

Joke: Old wedding

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.

"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

[clementi]

Joke: 83rd birthday

An old man in a nursing home was celebrating his 83rd birthday. One of the female residents stopped by his room to say “hi”.

"How are you doing today?" she asked.

"I'm celebrating my birthday, today," the man told the woman," guess how old I am."

"Drop your pants and let me feel your balls," she said.

The old man looked around and decided no one was watching, so he did as the woman said, and she began to feel his balls with her hand.

"You're 83," she said.

"How did you know?" the old man replied.

"You told me yesterday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Improvement

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to

stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,

classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"

remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough

for me.

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage lies

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."