Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

[worldangel]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,

[worldangel]

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says to the man,

[worldangel]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up"

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up" He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

[worldangel]

Once I was on a long distance trip and I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first cubicle was taken so I went into the second cubicle. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next cubicle "Hi there, how is it going"

OK, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but I replied: "Not bad I guess"

Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back East to see some friends and just try to relax"

Then I hear the person say: "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, some idiot in the next cubicle keeps answering"

[worldangel]

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought I' m not getting rid of my panties, so she used the ribbon of a flower

wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the lookout, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties". The other one responded: You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you"

[worldangel]

After a night out, this guy decides to invite some friends back to show off his new apartment. After the grand tour, the visitors were puzzled by the presence of a large gong in middle of the living room.

"What's that big gong do?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my talking clock" the gong's owner replied.

"How does it work?" the guest asked. I'll show you, the man said, giving the gong an ear- shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For God's sake will you stop banging that gong, it's one-thirty in the damn morning!"

[worldangel]

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man

[worldangel]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see- through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her

[worldangel]

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn

[worldangel]

When I arrived for my daughter

[worldangel]

This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.

The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies,

[worldangel]

There was a man who had worked hard all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me. And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart; that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, teary eyed, and her dear friend was comforting her and sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait; please, wait just a minute! She had a little box with her, she came over with the box and placed it lovingly in the casket, along side of her dear departed husband.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, Girlfriend; please tell me I

[worldangel]

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used

[worldangel]

A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.

They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There

[worldangel]

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn

[worldangel]

There

[worldangel]

This couple is driving along the highway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything; the heat, the long drive, bad drivers, the country, etc.

His wife is getting absolutely annoyed with his depressing talk, so she says to him,

[worldangel]

A city boy, Morris, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said,

[worldangel]

A young couple was making passionate love in the back of the man

[worldangel]

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks,

[worldangel]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said,

[worldangel]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her,

[worldangel]

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies:

[worldangel]

Max and Abe had become newly rich partners for ten years. They decided to celebrate their anniversary in business, with a deluxe dinner at The Waldorf. It was glorious.

Near the end of the meal, the waiter served fingerbowls. Abe said,

[worldangel]

This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis.

So he went to the doctor and got put under the gas. When he woke up, he found that the doctor had done a marvellous job repairing it.

When he was completely awake and ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

[worldangel]

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says,

[worldangel]

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do

[worldangel]

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

[worldangel]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

[worldangel]

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined! The Court would send me to prison" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

[worldangel]

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

[worldangel]

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

[worldangel]

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for Martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

[worldangel]

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

[worldangel]

Taxiing down the runway, a jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hours delay, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what the problem was. The flight attendant replied

[worldangel]

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

[worldangel]

A man and a woman walk into a very posh branded goods shop. ''Show the lady your finest mink!'' the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, ''Ah, Sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.''

''No problem! I'll write you a check!''

''Very good, Sir.'' says the shop owner. ''Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.''

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, ''How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn

[worldangel]

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o

[worldangel]

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

[worldangel]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims,

[worldangel]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." :oops:

[worldangel]

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked

[worldangel]

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said,

[worldangel]

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

[worldangel]

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were fighting over his attentions. They held a meeting to resolve the problem and decided that each would have his services on a different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.

In due time, the guy was dragging himself through the week, looking forward to Sunday.

As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floating on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and as he came around said to him;

[worldangel]

Three old ladies driving to a family reunion discovered they had a problem. All three husbands had the same name - LeRoy. The driver came up with an idea of naming their husbands after a soft drink. The other ladies thought this was a wonderful idea.

The driver went first and said she would name hers mountain dew, he was big as a mountain and could dew it all not long, the passenger in the front seat said "I am going to name mine after 7up, he has 7 inches and is up all night long".

The third lady thought for a while and said "I am going to name mine Jim Beam" The driver looked at her and said girl, that is not a soft drink that's a hard licker, the girl in the back said "That

[worldangel]

At a nursing home, there are two very old men who sit on the porch all day and reminisce together about the old days.

They don't realize it, but they have attracted the attention of two elderly women who walk by them. But the ladies go unnoticed due partially to the men

[worldangel]

Excitable

[worldangel]

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot.

"Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I'm an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon."

The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. "How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, "And am I structured as are earth woman?"

"Yes, you are," answered the astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?"

"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.

"Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?" asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration.

"That was enjoyable," she said afterward, "but where is the baby?" "Oh, that takes nine months," explained the astronaut.

"Nine months?" she asked. "Then why did you stop stirring?"