Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Two in one grave

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother . "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.

[worldangel]

Joke: Guardian angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Peace & Quiet

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day".

[worldangel]

Joke: Cover-up

A drunk in a bar barfs all over himself. "Giddman", he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me".

"No problem", says the bartender, as he sticks ten bucks in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.".

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife the story. She reaches into his pocket and finds out not one but two tens. "Why is there so much money?", she asks.

"Oh , yeah, he crapped in my pants, too".

[worldangel]

Joke: Changes in hell

An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell. Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.

God looked down one day and noticed all the changes. He called down to the devil to ask how these improvements came about.

The devil replied, "That engineer you sent me."

"What engineer? You're not supposed to have an engineer. Send him back up here!"

The devil's answer was simple... "No."

"If you don't send that engineer back right now, I'm going to be very angry. In fact, I'll sue you!"

The devil replies, "And . . . where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[worldangel]

Joke: 160 years old

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

[worldangel]

Joke: 95-year old uncle

"My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.

"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.

"He was 95 years old", answers the man.

"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".

"Because his parachute didn't open".

[clementi]

Joke: Trustworthy coeds

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit.

Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind?"

[clementi]

Joke: Things you shouldn’t ask your mother

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied: "It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Beauty and the beast

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

[clementi]

Joke: Back seat driver

After having a little too much to drink, a man drives home from the city, his car weaving violently all over the road, as drunk drivers are prone to do.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[clementi]

Joke: A penny saved

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[clementi]

Joke: Ashamed

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle.

They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again, being so ashamed of what they were doing.

[clementi]

Joke: Indecision

Warren was sitting alone in his office one night when a Genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

Warren looked at the Genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the Genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said Warren, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

[clementi]

Joke: Horsing around

Brian and his two friends are hanging out at a bar. They're talking about life, sports and other guy things when the conversation finally gets around to to their marriages.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "You know what? I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Brian, surprised by the candor of his friends, decides to come forth with his marital concerns: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him, or course, with utter disbelief.

"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[clementi]

Joke: I thought you were my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[clementi]

Joke: One kiss per yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl.

"I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[clementi]

Joke: We need to have a talk

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.

In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied:

"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[clementi]

Joke: Football foolies

A guy comes home drunk from the bar one night after watching a wonderful night of football. His wife, is of course, sleeping so he tries to sneak into bed. He lies in bed for a few minutes and cuts the biggest fart you've ever heard. His wife suddenly wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

With football fresh in his mind, he replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

Still in an extremely competitive frame of mind, he thinks, "Alright, I'm gonna fix her, real good." He lies there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. However, he tries so hard he accidentally poops in the bed!

The wife asks, "Now, what in the world was that?"

To which he replies, "Half time, switch sides."

[clementi]

Joke: Analyse this

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

[clementi]

Joke: Stop playing games with my heart

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[clementi]

Joke: A physical

The general went to the doctor for a physical.

Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions: age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.

"Oh," he mused, 'It was 1945.''

"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.

"I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."

[clementi]

Joke: Stewed tomatoes

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick.

The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

[clementi]

Joke: Guilt

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up sleeping with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

[clementi]

Joke: How old?

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.

"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

[clementi]

Joke: By-pass surgeries

I've sure gotten old. I've had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, windy, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my Arizona driver's license!

[worldangel]

Joke: Men should listen

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[worldangel]

Joke:Looking good

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Nothing works

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

"That's okay, honey," I said. "You still have me."

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she wailed, "but you don't work either!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.

[worldangel]

Joke: Factory workers

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Not so dumb

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

[worldangel]

Joke: Great job

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:

"Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."

[worldangel]

Joke: The perfect story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[worldangel]

Joke: Family pants

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary flowers

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

[worldangel]

Joke: Her age

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband’s great gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[clementi]

Joke: The counsellor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[clementi]

Joke: Accountant’s tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

[clementi]

Joke: Taming the wife

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Long Island. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.

[clementi]

Joke: Untrusted

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

[clementi]

Joke: Equipment

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?

She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.

To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

[clementi]

Joke: Anatomy at the zoo

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.

After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"

His father replies "That's his trunk son."

"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back."

"Oh, that's his tail" replies his father.

"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."

The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."

The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing."

"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

[clementi]

Joke: Nude running

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

[clementi]

Joke: Pretending

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.

She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

Edited December 3, 2014 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Dying of thirst

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answered.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The woman says, "Sure, if you have sex with me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then have sex with you."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. He and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The woman says, "Well, let's do it!"

The man agrees to start but only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, uses it on her and throws it out the window. The woman opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The woman is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the woman is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "The hell with the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[clementi]

Joke: Perfect revenge

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[clementi]

Joke: Loud train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[clementi]

Joke: New boots

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what'different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!"