Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Cocktail party

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

[clementi]

Joke: A honest mistake

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

[clementi]

Joke: Keep the motor running

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby.

The nurse said to the man: "At your age, how do you do that?"

The man answered: "You just have to keep the motor running".

Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby.

The same nurse said to the man and asked: "You are something else, how do you do that?". He said: "I told you that you just have to keep the motor running".

Another year and back to the hospital for another baby.

The same nurse said: "You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!".

He said: "You got to keep the motor running".

She answered: "Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black".

[clementi]

Joke: Crazy first night

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[clementi]

Joke: Husband prank

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

[clementi]

Joke: ‘Here after’ routine

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.

[clementi]

Joke: Being pregnant

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.

The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[clementi]

Joke: Baby

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ripping the panties

Two lawyers are leaving the office.

"I can't wait to get home", says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties off".

"I know the feeling", the other says.

"No, I'm serious", says the first. "They're killing me".

[worldangel]

Joke: Going on vacation

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant.

Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me...

[worldangel]

Joke: Imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had.”

“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s for supper?

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

[worldangel]

Joke: Honey pie

After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.

The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cannot undress

During her annual check-up, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the doctor’s office

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor.

"The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"

Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Walmart

A 97-year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lower!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart!"

The rabbi exclaimed, "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

[worldangel]

Joke: Childbirth pain

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little."

"Like this?"

"A little more."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

[clementi]

Joke: Pregnancy advice

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?

[clementi]

Joke: Unpredictable

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They

walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a

peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't

mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go

behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with

great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage

hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My goodness ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

[clementi]

Joke: Emergency appointment

A lady called her gynaecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynaecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

[clementi]

Joke: Side effects

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

[clementi]

Joke: Listen to doctor

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a gay man. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still smoking.

The gay man looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[clementi]

Joke: Technology

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.

The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

[clementi]

Joke: Losing weight

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".

[clementi]

Joke: Circle flies

An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."

"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."

"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[clementi]

Joke: Cork screw

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

[clementi]

Joke: Dog track

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

"What was that for?" he complained.

[clementi]

Joke: Hamburger

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[clementi]

Joke: Golden saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.

It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the

phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the

phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,

"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

[clementi]

Joke: Train test

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

[clementi]

Joke: Bad smells

A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first sight. They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up.

Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a powerful drug to control it. She was about to take the drug when she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together.

So she returned to bed without taking the drug.

Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it required a special preparation to keep it under control. He was about to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner or later anyway.

He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss.

She said, "Honey, there's something I have to tell you."

"OK," he said, "but I already know what it is ... you ate my socks."

[worldangel]

Joke:The funeral piper

As a bagpiper, I have played at many different occasions, but the strangest thing of all happened to me recently when I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.

This man had no family or friends, and so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The only people around were the grave diggers and they were sitting eating their lunch.

I felt really bad, and apologized to the men for being late.

I then went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost…

[worldangel]

Joke: Cute little vase

Arthur goes to his new girlfriend’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room.

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them some drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, looking around the room (as you do), he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He goes over and picks it up, and as he is looking at it, she walks back in.

A little embarrassed, he says “What’s this?”

She replies, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

Rapidly going red, he says “Oh… oooh…. I…”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mourning

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

“Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child?A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied ……

“My wife’s first husband.”

[worldangel]

Joke: How I learned to stop being nosy

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All the patients were outside, and they were shouting

13 …. 13 …. 13

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a small gap between the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

It was then that somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting

14 …. 14 …. 14

[worldangel]

Joke: My only pleasure

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”

The man replies “Just bring me a size eight.”

The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.

Being curious, he then asks the customer why he wants a pair of size 8 shoes, when it’s obvious that his feet are size 11 or eleven and a half.

He turns to the salesman and says, “I`ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 11, and my son just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Breakfast special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering la carte,” the waitress warned her.

“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special then.”

“How do you want your eggs?”

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

Joke: Breakfast special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering la carte,” the waitress warned her.

“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special then.”

“How do you want your eggs?”

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

[worldangel]

Joke: Double martini

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The irate pharmacist

When he arrived home from work one day, Mike was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained to him what had happened…

“It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, Mike leapt into his car, and drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist halted him and asked Mike to listen to his side of the story…

“This morning the alarm failed to go off”, said the pharmacist, “so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys”.

“Then, driving a little too fast” the pharmacist continued, “I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the danged phone was ringing off the hook, and it was driving me crazy.”

The pharmacist went on with his story…

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone just kept on ringing and ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Retirement

My broker called me this morning and said, “Remember that stock we bought and I said you’d be able to retire at age 55?”

“Yes, I remember,” I said.

“Well,” my broker continued, “your retirement age is now 108.”

I know the feeling only too well, having purchased stocks in the past that just plummeted in value as soon as the purchase went through. Even when I did make a killing on one stock (over 4,000%), I used the profits to buy penny stocks, most of which are now worth pennies. It helps if you can see the funny side of things though.

[worldangel]

Joke: Problems

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.

Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics.

Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.

I completely lost my memory for a while.

I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don’t know how I pulled through it.

It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

Edited December 8, 2014 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: School suspended

Son: Mum i got suspended today

Mum: Why?!!

Son: It was pajama day at school today

Mum: So?!?!

Son: I sleep naked

[clementi]

Joke: Flag pole climbing

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)

Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!

...Next Day...

(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!

Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)

Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.

Mom:...(fainted)

[clementi]

Joke: The thinking

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?"

And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!”

[clementi]

Joke: Sex or secs

I remember a few years ago when my little girl still a kid, she came up to me and asked, "Daddy, what is sex?" I was somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.

But, I figured if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, I proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."

After the explanation, my daughter was a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" I then asked her.

She then replied, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

[clementi]

Joke: Make your bed

Mom: Make your bed!

Me: Why do i have to make if i'm going to sleep again?

Mom: Why do you wipe your ass if you going to shit again?

Me:...

[clementi]

Joke: Clean your room

Mom: Clean your room!

Me: Why?

Mom: Guests are coming over for dinner!

Me: Are we having dinner in MY room all of a sudden?

[clementi]

Joke: That’s my boy

Boy texted his dad saying

Boy:I got expelled

Dad: WHAT WHY

Boy: cos we had this lesson about bulling and the teacher said sticks and stones may break my bone but words will never hurt me

Dad: and

Boy: so I threw a book at her face and it broke her nose

Dad : lol that's my boy

[clementi]

Joke: String

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously.

He says, “Sorry, boys, we don’t serve your kind here.”

So the pieces of string walk out again.

They’re sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says, “Hey! I’ve got an idea to get me into the bar.”

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there.

His friend is looking at him and thinks he’s gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says, “Here, you’re not a bit of string, are you?”

The piece of string replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”