Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Black and Blue

A woman goes to the doctor, she is black and blue.

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle and continue to gargle.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh, unmarked and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!”

Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?”

[clementi]

Joke: Making a will

A man went to his lawyer and said, ‘I would like to make a will, but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.’

The lawyer smiled at the man and replied, ‘Not a problem, leave it all to me.’

The man looked somewhat upset and said, ‘Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!’

[clementi]

Joke: A birthday treat

Bill works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bill! How ya doin?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Bill. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws herself all over him and says “Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Bill’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bill tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bill.”

[clementi]

Joke: Vulgar words

This is the story about a little girl that didn't know what cursing or what sex was. Two nights before thanksgiving, she heard her parents having sex. Her father said: "Oh honey, I love your luscious tits."

Then her mother said: "And I love your slim dick!" The next morning, the girl asked her father what "luscious tits" were. The father panicked. "It's a fine coat." He said. The little girl then asked her mother what a "slim dick" is.

The mother panicked and said: "It's a pair of boots." The next morning was thanksgiving, she walked past her father shaving in the bathroom. He cut him self and exclaimed: "Oh, shit!" The little girl asked what shit meant. "I'm shaving right now, sweety" said her father.

Then the girl went into the kitchen where her mother was cooking the turkey. She accidentally dropped it on the floor and said: "Oh, f*ck!" "What does f*ck mean?" Asked the little girl. "I'm cooking the turkey right now, sweety." replied her mother.

Then the door bell rang. Her mother told her to go open the door and welcome the thanksgiving guests. The little girl walked up, opened the door and said: "Hello everyone! Hang up your luscious tits, drop your slim dicks, my dad's upstairs shitting and my mum's f*cking the turkey."

[clementi]

Joke: Tim, Tom & Teddy

Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost in the forest, each of them had 25 cents to survive. They walked around for hours, and had no luck.

So Tim suggested that they split up and meet up at that same spot in an hour, they all agreed and set out on their separate ways.

While walking Tim came across a dick sucking machine, that cost 25 to use, and he says, "Wow! Haven't got my dick sucked in a while! Why not!" So he puts in his quarter, gets his dick sucked and continues on his way.

Then while Tom was walking he comes across it as well, he realized they only had 10 minutes until they were to all meet up again, so he says "Well I haven't got my dick sucked in a while, why not?" so he puts in his quarter and gets his dick sucked, after gathering himself he realizes he needed to hurry back , he gets there and Tom and Teddy are waiting for him.

"Where were you?" asked Teddy.

"Lost track of time." Said Tom

"Well does everyone have their quarters?" Asks Teddy.

They all share a look. "Well?" asks Teddy.

"I lost mine!" Said Tim and Tom at the same time.

Teddy then smiles and pulls out 3 quarters.

[clementi]

Joke: A boy & grandpa

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go f*ck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

[clementi]

Joke: Lecture

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student:

“Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor:

“Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student:

“Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.”

Professor:

“Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student:

“What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers:

“Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

[clementi]

Joke: The locket

Gladys: “I suppose you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?”

Lilian: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”

Gladys: “But your husband is still alive.”

Lilian: “I know, but his hair is gone.”

[clementi]

Joke: You are in heaven

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed. “What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?… and who are you?” he asked. “This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.”

“WHAT! Are you saying I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I’m too young,” said Rob. “I want you to send me back immediately.”

“It’s not that easy”, said St.Peter. “You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours.”

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

“I want to return as a hen.”

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow.

Then along came another hen.

“Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about,” she said. “How do you like being a hen?”

“Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode.”

“Oh that!” said the other hen. “That’s only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg.”

“How do I do that?” Rob asked.

“Cluck twice, and then push all you can.”

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘plop’ an egg was on the ground.

“Wow” Rob said, “That felt really good!”

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

“Rob, for Heaven’s sake! Wake up! You’re shittin’ all over the bed!”

[clementi]

Joke: Gay

*In grammar class*

Teacher: HE does not like girls. What is 'He' in this sentence

Drew: He GAYYYYYY.

[clementi]

Joke: Lesbian

Daughter: "Dad, a kid at school called me a lesbian."

Dad: "Smack her in the mouth and kick her in the vagina."

Daughter: "But dad she is cute."

Dad: ... (???)

[clementi]

Joke: Always on call

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

‘We need a fourth for poker,' said the friend.

‘I'll be right over,' whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?'

‘Oh yes, quite serious,' said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!'

[clementi]

Joke: A guy is sitting at the bar …

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that.

He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!".

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila.

He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[clementi]

Joke: Casino money

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.

He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

[clementi]

Joke: Archery contest

Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...

He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.

Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!

The second archer with a cape lines up in position.

He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!!!

He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!!! The crowd cheers!!

finally, a third man in cape lines up in position... He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!!

It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!! Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Food problems

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

Man: "What's the matter with me?"

Doctor: "You're not eating properly.

[clementi]

Joke: Husband wanted

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Paint my house

A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[worldangel]

Joke: The campers

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[worldangel]

Joke: The three guys

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

[worldangel]

Joke: At funeral

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbour says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare.

He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

\

[worldangel]

Joke: At a barber shop

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Old boys

These two good ole boys decided to take a few days off from work and see some of the sights. So one morning after they crossed the state line they stopped to pick up a few supplies at a local store.

One of the men told the shop keeper, "we need so me maters, taters and onions. The shop keeper said "ya'll are from West Virginia, aren't you?" and the good ole boys said "yea, how did you know?".

The shop keeper said, "it is because of your dialect, you know the accent". So as the good ole boys left , one looked at the other and said, "that was pretty neat, can I try it the next time?" The other one said "sure".

So the next morning as they went into a different shop, the other good ole boy said to the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions" and the shop keeper said, "you're from West Virginia aren't you?".

Grinning the good ole boy said, "yep, yep and I bet you knew that because of my dialect, you know my accent". The shop keeper said, "no, this is a hardware store!!!!!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The snail

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Not so fast smith

The scene: A Marine Basic Training Camp. One morning the Captain calls Sergeant Black into his office and tells him "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died." "Yes Sir!" says Black.

That morning a s the men were lined up Black bellows out "Hup hey hoho Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack. A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black you need to tell Private Smith his mother died--but this time us e some tact—

I don't want to loose another good recruit. "Yes Sir!" Black answers. This time when the men are lined up Black yells out " OK--all you men with living mothers take one step forward----NOT SO FAST SMITH!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The victim asks …?

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

[worldangel]

Joke: Medical check-up

An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition.

He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

[clementi]

Joke: Dumb and dumber

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[clementi]

Joke: I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

[clementi]

Joke: Low self-esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

[clementi]

Joke: Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[clementi]

Joke: Loud, mad or sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[clementi]

Joke: Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

[clementi]

Joke: Better relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[clementi]

Joke: Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist’s office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[clementi]

Joke: Bad addiction

A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt”

[clementi]

Joke: Sad man

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?".

"My mother died in June", he said, "and left me $10,000".

"Gee, that's tough", he replied.

"Then in July", the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000".

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder your'e depressed".

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000".

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad".

"Then this month", continued the friend, "Nothing!

[clementi]

Joke: Snow parking

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio

announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[clementi]

Joke: Great party

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."

[clementi]

Joke: Small world

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

[clementi]

Joke: First date

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot”

The father explained, “No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman."

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”

[clementi]

Joke: Pet lobsters

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

[clementi]

Joke: 95-year old uncle

"My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.

"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.

"He was 95 years old", answers the man.

"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".

"Because his parachute didn't open".

[worldangel]

Joke: True friendship

This guy brings his best friend home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

“My frickin hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren’t done. Can’t you see I’m still in my fucking pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?”

“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At Walgreens

A boy is in a Walgreens with his dad. While in line at the pharmacy, the boy notices something in a box that resembles balloons. Curious, the boy asks his dad about these balloons in the box. “Well, those are condoms, son,” the boy’s dad replies. “What are condoms used for, dad?” replied the little boy. “They are used so men can practice safe sex,” said the father.

The boy asks his dad who would use the box of three. The boy’s dad replies, “Those are for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” The boy then spots a box of six and asks his dad about those. “Those are for college kids son. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday.” The boy then asks, “Well what about the box of twelve?” To which the boy’s dad replied, “Those are for married men like myself, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…..”

[worldangel]

Joke: Strawberries

One morning a young house wife hears a knock on her kitchen door…. cracking the door open she sees a bum, the bum is selling strawberries… the young house wife starts to let her robe side seductively open, when suddenly the bum starts crying.

The young housewife asks what’s wrong… the bum replies “I lost my job, I lost my home and my family and now I’m going to get fucked out of my strawberries”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigarette lighter

A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says “Wow! That’s a huge lighter! Where’d you get it?” The other guy replies, “A genie from this bottle granted me one wish.”

“Cool! Can I try it?”

“Sure.”

The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. “You are granted one wish” says the genie.The guy replies excitedly, “I want a million bucks!”

“Your wish is granted.” And the genie disappears.

A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar.

“I can’t believe this!” says the guy who just made his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The second guy responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Go fly a kite

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, “you need more tail!”

The father turns to his son and says, “I’ll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite.”