Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Young cowboy in saloon

A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, “If you ain’tgonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Police assistance

A man rings the police “Help, there’s someone in my back shed, stealing my tools!”

He’s told by the police officer on duty “Sorry Sir, there’s no units available. Stay inside your house and lock the door”

He calls back shortly after; “It’s me again. You know that man that was in my shed? Don’t worry about it. I’ve shot him.”

A dozen units show up within minutes, lights flashing, sirens blaring and the police catch the burglar in the act. A furious policeman marches up to the old man “I thought you said you’d shot him?!”

He replies; “And I thought you said there were no police units available”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage counselling

A couple goes into marriage counseling. The wife tells the psychologist that her husband has been acting in unacceptable ways, and that she will have to seek a divorce if he doesn’t change his behavior.

First of all, the husband always picks his nose, regardless of whether or not he’s in public or some other inappropriate location for nose-picking.

Also, the husband never looks up while he is walking. His eyes are always glued to the floor when he goes anywhere.

And worst of all, he never lets his wife top while they’re having sex.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex therapist

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart dog

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?”

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then said, “Anything else?”

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?”

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog’s neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”

The owner said, “He’s not that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”

[clementi]

Joke: French toast

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

[clementi]

Joke: Don’t forget the coffee

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

[clementi]

Joke: Monastery

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.

They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[clementi]

Joke: He had a hat

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

[clementi]

Joke: Walking on the beach

A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish."

The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish."

The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

[clementi]

Joke: Business partners

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv.

"So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner.More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."

"Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

[clementi]

Joke: Switch the heads

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit"

The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

[clementi]

Joke: I’m thinking

Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!"

An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"

[clementi]

Joke: Coffee break

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.

The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

[clementi]

Joke: School joke

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?!

Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

[clementi]

Joke: Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony? A- It’s not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A- The one who can eat the last donut.

Somebody drilled a hole in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.

[clementi]

3333

Joke: Sentence

The teacher asked the class to stand one by one and compose a simple sentence using appropriate be verbs.

“She is beautiful”, said Kate.

“My dogs are fat”, shouted Mark.

“I is…”, stuttered Joe when the teacher interrupted.

“You always say ‘I am’. Never say ‘I is'”, said she.

As fast as he could, Joe uttered,

“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

[clementi]

Joke: Husband & wife go dancing

A husband takes his wife dancing.

They notice a guy on the dance floor living large, break dancing, moon walking, backflips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!!”

The psychologist asks the husband why he acts the way he does, and the husband replies, “my father insisted that I do those things while he was on his deathbed, so I’m simply respecting his last wishes.” “Well, what exactly did he say?” the psychologist inquired. So the husband replies, “he told me to keep my nose clean, don’t step on any toes, and don’t fuck up.”

[clementi]

Joke: Lettuce

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okays the request and the man went on his way.

Later on the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?” The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.” “Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” inquired the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.” “My wife is from Minnesota”, exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”

[clementi]

Joke: Pull twice

“Honey, I know we’re both shy about all this sex stuff. That’s normal at the beginning of a marriage. So to make things easier, if you want to have sex with me, just reach over and pull my nipple twice. If you don’t want any, just pull it once. Deal?”

“Deal. And if you want to have sex with me, just pull my penis twice. And if you don’t want sex, just pull it 155 times.”

[clementi]

Joke: Gorilla & Lion

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

The lion exclaims, “oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”

[clementi]

Joke: A hunter gets a new gun

So a hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it. He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots the bear dead. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder…

The man turns around and sees this huge brown bear and the bear says “That bear you shot was my friend, so the way I see you got two options, either you let me have sex with you or I maul you to death.”

Now, the hunter doesn’t want to die so he lets the bear have his way, and afterwards he waddles home and doesn’t tell anyone.

Then next year comes around and he’s gaining his confidence back so the hunter goes back into the woods and stumbles upon a brown bear. He gets his gun and shoots the bear dead when he feels a tapping on his shoulder.

The man turns around and sees a giant kodiak bear who says, “That brown bear was my friend so the way I see it either you let me have rough sex with you or I maul you to death.”

Again, the man doesn’t want to die so he lets the bear have his way and waddles home not telling anyone.

Next year comes around and the man is gaining his confidence again so he goes out and eventually finds a kodiak bear. So the man takes his gun and shoots the bear dead when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

The man turns around and finds an enormous grizzly bear, and the bear says,

“Let’s be honest, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

[clementi]

Joke: Sperm count

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

[clementi]

Joke: Soldier & others

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks “that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved.”

The young woman thinks “that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead.”

The officer thinks “That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me.”

The soldier thinks “That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The computer programmer

A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he came across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and went on his way.

A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his pocket, "help, help"! He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it back into his pocket.

Again, "help, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess". Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again.

Moments later, "Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess. I'll do_anything_if_ you_ help_ me, anything"! The man simply took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again!

The little green frog again screamed out "Help, I'm the most beautiful princess, if you kiss me and help me I'll do anything, marry you, sleep with you, give you money, ANYTHING." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and said "I'm a computer programmer; I work too much so a girlfriend or wife is of no use to me. But, a small talking green frog is cool."

[worldangel]

Joke:Taking care of house

There was this guy who was taking care of his friend’s house while he was on vacation. His friend called and asked how things were going.

He responded by saying that his dog died. "That’s horrible. Why didn't you say that my dog was on the roof so when I call back, you tell me he's dead and it isn't so bad."

His friend said," Anything else?" "Well, your mother is on the roof"

[worldangel]

Joke:Hunting story

Two guys are hunting in the forest and they run across a bear. They both take off running, after a while one guy stops and takes off his backpack and takes out a pair of running shoes.

The other guy sees this and is wondering what is going on, so he stops, runs back to the guy and asks "Why are you putting on your running shoes, do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?" the other guy said "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!"

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? ELEPHINO!(hell if I know)

[worldangel]

Joke:The worms

2 worms are crawling through the grass. Male worm says to female worm " how about you and I going back to your place? Female worm says "Ok" they get back to her place and the male worm notices that she has on a wedding ring.

Male worm says "I'm sorry honey but I don't do this sort of thing with married worms. Female worm says "Don't worry, my husband is not coming home. Male worm says "How do you know that for sure? Female worm says "He got up early this morning and went fishing!

Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday. All his friends get together and send him a woman. She knocks at his door and he answers it to find everyman’s dream girl.

She says to him - I'm here to give you supersex. He says to the young lady - thanks for coming over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!

[worldangel]

Joke:Three guys in bar

3 guys walk into a bar. The 4th one ducks. A string walks into a bar and the waiter says to him,"We don't serve your kind here."

So the string goes across the street and tells a friend to tie him in a knot and fray his edges. So the guy does it and the string says thank you. Then the string goes back across the street and goes into the bar and orders a beer.

Again the guy says we don't serve your kind, but the string says,"I'm afraid not."(I'm a frayed not.)

[worldangel]

Joke:The definition

What's the definition of mixed emotions?? Watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your new Mercedes!

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring and * The Endu-Ring!!

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters!

[worldangel]

Joke: New Year's Day Party - That Never Was?

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

[worldangel]

Joke: How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

[clementi]

Joke:At department store

\

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quierocalcetines” said the man.

“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here.” said the salesgirl.

“No, no quierotrajes. Quierocalcetines.” said the man.

“Well, these shirts are on sale this week.” declared the salesgirl.

“No, no quierocamisas. Quierocalcetines.” repeated the man.

“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack.” offered the salesgirl.

“No, no quieropantalones. Quierocalcetines.” insisted the man.

“These sweaters are top quality.” the salesgirl probed.

“No, no quierosueter. Quierocalcetines.” said the man.

“Our undershirts are over here.” fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

“No, no quierocamisetas. Quierocalcetines.” the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed “Esosíquees!”.

“Well, if you could spell it, why didn’t you do that in the beginning?” asked the exasperated salesgirl.

[clementi]

Joke: The hair drier

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

[clementi]

Joke: First woman on the moon

W: Houston, we have a problem

H: What is it?

W: Nevermind, its nothing

H: What is the problem?

W: Nothing…

H: Let us know the problem.

W: If you don’t know the problem, I’m not going to tell you.

H: Tell us what the problem is!

W: NO!

[clementi]

Joke: Husband prank

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

[clementi]

Joke: Lawyers, the butt of jokes

Here are some amazing examples of lawyers cross-questioning in court.

Q: ...and what did he do then?

A: He came home and next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning was he dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?

A: I could see his head.

Q: And where was his head?

A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?

A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A: I will be three months November 8th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

[clementi]

Joke: Don’t push the buttons

A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

[clementi]

Joke: Little birdie

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

[clementi]

Joke: Designated drunk

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[clementi]

Joke: Peace & quiet

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day".

[clementi]

Joke: Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear.

[clementi]

Joke: Can’t speak

A man walks into a Doctor’s clinic and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.

The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

[clementi]

Joke: Rodeo sex

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy? What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, “Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!” and see how long you can hang on.”

[clementi]

Joke: Too drunk

Three guys are sitting in a bar when another man comes in and start drinking. After a while, he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts, "I fucked your mother!".

Then he goes off to get another drink. Ten minutes later he comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "Your mom gave me oral sex!" . Then he staggers back to order one more.

Fifteen minutes later, he gets right up in the same guy's face and yells, "I've had your mom bent over the kitchen sink!". At this point, they've had enough. The middle guy pushes the old man toward the door and shouts, "Look, Dad, you’re drunk, go home!

[clementi]

Joke: Guardian angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[clementi]

Joke: Wild things

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[clementi]

Joke: Cover up

A drunk in a bar barfs all over himself. "Giddman", he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me".

"No problem", says the bartender, as he sticks ten bucks in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.".

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife the story. She reaches into his pocket and finds out not one but two tens. "Why is there so much money?", she asks.

"Oh , yeah, he crapped in my pants, too".