Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Speeding car

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 90 m/h sir.’

The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fuck it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fuck up?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’

The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’

[clementi]

Joke: In Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter looks through his book and tells him “I don’t see any reason why we should let you in. You don’t seem to have done anything worthy in your life.”

The guy replies: “what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told the bikers to back off.”

St. Peter: “You really did that? When did this happen?”

The guy: “About 5 minutes ago!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatrist observation

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go

[worldangel]

Joke: The three tasks

A guy, short of money asked a man what he could do to earn some.

The man replied "I'll give you $1000 if you do three tasks."

You need to knock out a wrestler, pull a loose tooth out of a dingo's mouth and screw an old lady.

So the guy quickly runs up to the wrestler and punches him out.

He then leaps into the bushes after the dingo. Several minutes go buy and he is heard rolling around and moaning before finally emerging triumphant.

He then turns to the man and says "Where's this old lady so I can pull her tooth out and get paid"

[worldangel]

Joke:The 20 year old headache

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...That’s a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skewish your testicles against your spine and you've get a headache".

[worldangel]

Joke: Huge orange head

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern.

A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.'

The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: KKK

Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say "Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’.

Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you." So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it.

[worldangel]

Joke:Christmas Eve

A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.

"Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.

"Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."

"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."

"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.

"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."

"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.

"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."

"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.

Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.

Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"

"47, " came the reply.

"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

."

[worldangel]

Joke: The well-dressed salesman

A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.

"I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."

"Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.

"That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"

"But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"

"Yes, you have. The electricity ain'tworkin"..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Learning to text message in middle-age people

Wanting to try and get more up to date on technology, a middle-aged couple finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

Gloria, who always thought of herself as a bit of a romantic at heart, decided one day while she was out shopping that she would send her husband a text.

And so she sent him the following text message:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.

Her husband Robert, who was a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back this reply:

I’m on the toilet. Please advise.

[worldangel]

Joke: Rye bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

[clementi]

Joke: Three bulls

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint’ givin’ him any of mine.”

Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘I’m till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.”

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest worst bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: “You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.” Third Bull: “Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”

[clementi]

Joke: A penguin is driving a car

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk.

He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.”

[clementi]

Joke: New apartment

Naked underneath A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears!”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”

[clementi]

Joke: She’s paranoid

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified?

Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

[clementi]

Joke: Pirate at doctor

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles he has on his back may be cancerous.

The doctor inspects them.

“It’s ok,” he says. “They’re benign.”

The pirate replies “Check ‘em again matey, I think there be at least ten!”

[clementi]

Joke: The golden bar

A man comes home late at night and he is pretty smashed. His wife who was worried sick asks “Where the hell have you been?” “The Golden Bar”, the man replies. “It’s an awesome place.

They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer of course and even a golden urinal.” The wife is not convinced that her husband is telling the truth, so she looks up the Golden Bar in the phonebook and calls them up.

“Do you really have golden chairs at your bar?” – Absolutely ma’am. “And what about golden glasses?” – Indeed we do. “And golden beers?” – Most certainly. “And even a golden urinal?” – Hold on a minute ma’am… Johnny, I think I have a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”

[clementi]

Joke: Marriage counselling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.”

[clementi]

Joke: Paddy has a broken leg

Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, “How you doin’?”

Paddy says, “Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.”

They say, “Get away with ya… Prove it.”

Mick shouts downstairs, “Paddy, both of ‘em?”

Paddy shouts back, “Of course both of ‘em, what’s the point of fuckin’ one?”

[clementi]

Joke: Definitely

A kindergarten teacher asks her class, “who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

A little girl raises her hand and says, “the sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “sorry Susie, but the sky can also be red at sunset and black at night.”

A little boy says, “trees are definitely green.”

The teacher says, “sorry, but trees change colors in the fall.”

Johnny stands up suddenly and blurts out, “does a fart have lumps?”

Horrified, the teacher exclaims, “Johnny, of course not!”

Johnny sits back down and says, “ok, then I’ve definitely shit my pants.”

[clementi]

Joke: Wedding night

I got married last week my fiancée and I were both virgins, and the night before our wedding my fiancée came up to me and said” I have to admit something…. My boobs are not really this big, I have been stuffing my bra the whole time!” I responded “it is Ok, I am not marrying you for your boobs!” “I have something to admit as well…. I am hung like a baby!” she also said “it is OK, I am not marrying you for the size of your penis!”

So on our wedding night, after everyone had left we went to out hotel room. I was sitting on the bed and she told me to wait there. She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, she came out naked. I immediately told her “your boobs are beautiful and I would not change a thing!”

I started to get undressed and got to my underwear, I took them off, and she fainted. I ran over to her to check on her. When she came to she looked at me and said “I thought you were hung like a baby”

“I am 7 pounds 6 ounces 19 and a half inches”

[clementi]

Joke: Taking parrot to the vet

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Polly has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead.”

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$1500!” she cried. “$1500 just to tell me my bird is dead?!”

The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?”

[clementi]

Joke: First drink with a son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn’t like it – so I drank it. Then I got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

[clementi]

Joke: Wealthy lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass.

He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have no money for food,” the first man replied.

“Then you must come with me to my house,” insisted the lawyer.

“But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here,” said the man.

“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, “I got a wife and six kids!”

“Bring them as well!”, the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “I’m most happy to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall.”

[clementi]

Joke: Older gentleman

So, an older gentleman with erectile dysfunction goes to the doctor. The doc scratches his chin and looks at him for a while, and then clicks his fingers. “I’ve got just the thing for you! This is a rather new medicine, having just cleared the last phases of clinical trial. You’ll feel like you’re twenty again!”

“Anything to get old Jimbob back in the league, doc” answers the man, depressed “my life ain’t the same no more”.

“I just have to tell you” warns the doctor “this drug is EXTREMELY powerful, if you feel you’re getting out of control, you MUST dip your member and ballsack in some ice cold water or you risk dire consequences!”

So the man shakes the doc’s hand, gets home, and before going into the house, swallows one of the small. Yellow and quite inoffensive-looking pills he was given by the professional.

Suddenly, his pupils dilate, his throat tightens, his breath becomes more shallow, his muscles bulge, his ballsack thunders, and his penis gets harder than diamond nano-coating. He MUST find something to soothe his lust!!! He loses himself and kicks the door down.

His wife, who was watching TV, barely has time to look up before she gets ravished by the crazy horny bastard that used to be her husband.

Unconscious and drooling, the wife slides off the couch to the floor, while the husband, still not satisfied, jumps the housekeeper and does her in too.

The wife’s sister, who had witnesses everything, tries to run to no avail. She, too, is a victim to the lustful maniac.

The neighbor, the dog, the cat, the neighbor’s husband, the neighbor’s cat, the mailman, they fall one by one like domino pieces to the lustful frenzy of the man.

Finally sensing he’s really out of control, he runs to the fridge to get some ice cold water, but all he can find is a bowl of cold milk. He sinks his dick in the bowl and sighs in immediate relief.

The housekeeper, who was limping past the door, saw him and stopped abruptly, eyes wide with fear, screaming:

“FUCK!! EVERYONE RUN THE FUCK AWAY! HE’S RELOADING!!!”

[clementi]

Joke: Asking for the raise

A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than I?”

Maria: “Your husband said so.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”

Maria: “Your husband did.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

Wife (really furious now): “Did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”

She got her raise

[clementi]

Joke: Viagra

A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. “Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.” “Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an “Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was terrible! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”

“‘That was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But as sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex all day

One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well it's nothing really." said the old man.

"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.

"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said.

"That's not bad" the young man said.

"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.

"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man.

"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again throughout the night." the old man said.

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.

Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Going on vacation

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go.

Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"

Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Untrusted

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The counsellor

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[worldangel]

Joke: Accountant’s tattoo

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Taming the wife

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be.

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Long Island. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscape

[worldangel]

Joke: Crazy first night

A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Boys will be boys

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.

Well, Ok.

In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.

Yes next."

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of Supporting a friend.

Ok next."

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."

This continues...

And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub."

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next."

You sweet Girl; Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who's trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus.

The baby refuses to suck the breast & the mother warns, "If you don't suck, I shall give it to the uncle next to me."

The baby still refuses. After about 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat.

The man clears his throat and says, "Look, madam, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get Off six bus-stops ago."

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas queue folly

Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy faire in Worcester.

I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls. As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine. Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time.

"Hey, Lennie," I cried, "I hadn't realised you collected dolls."

"I don't," he replied laughing.

"Really," I queried, "then you must be buying a Christmas present then?"

"No, not at all, my friend," responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily.

"If you don't mind my asking then Lennie," I said, "Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?"

"Oh that," he giggled. "It's like this, my mate," he mused, "I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue."

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas gift for mom

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

[clementi]

Joke: Recovering man

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

[clementi]

Joke: The ultimate pills

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.

He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ......... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[clementi]

Joke: The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES !' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

[clementi]

Joke: New poultry farmer

A new farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a poultry operation.

Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the new farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local extension office, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."

[clementi]

Joke: Concealing the profession

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

[clementi]

Joke: Keep the motor running

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby.

The nurse said to the man: "At your age, how do you do that?"

The man answered: "You just have to keep the motor running".

Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby.

The same nurse said to the man and asked: "You are something else, how do you do that?". He said: "I told you that you just have to keep the motor running".

Another year and back to the hospital for another baby.

The same nurse said: "You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!".

He said: "You got to keep the motor running".

She answered: "Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black".

[clementi]

Joke: Anniversary

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, "No thanks."

Frustrated he finally asks, "Well what would you like for your anniversary?"

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

John thinks for a moment and replies "Sorry dear, I wasn't planning to spend that much."

[clementi]

Joke: Quitting drugs

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

[clementi]

Joke:Balcony life

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"

he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[clementi]

Joke:600-storeys high hotel

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 storeys high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 storeys, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 storeys Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

[clementi]

Joke: Grandma loves oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

[clementi]

Joke:Designated drunk

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy.