Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her.

The same thing happens three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband.

The husband says to the wife; "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door."

The next day the same man comes again and when the woman opens the door he asks, "Do you have vagina?" "The woman says, "Yes."

"The man then responds, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife!"

[worldangel]

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.

The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God

[worldangel]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[worldangel]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[worldangel]

A newly wed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[worldangel]

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon." The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?" He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

[worldangel]

The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married.

As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?"

She smiled slyly and replied, "The Pharmacist, silly."

[worldangel]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!" :oops:

[worldangel]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.

Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope". Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replies. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

[worldangel]

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

[worldangel]

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.

True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

[worldangel]

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

[worldangel]

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.

After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?" His father replies "That's his trunk son."

"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back." "Oh, that's his tail" replies his father.

"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs." The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."

The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing."

"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

[worldangel]

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

[worldangel]

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?" "$75 dollars," said the first.

The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two. " $20 dollars" replies the third.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"

[worldangel]

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess. "Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not house trained?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!" :oops:

[worldangel]

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye.

In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days." "Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

[Guest guest]

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.

The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God

The missing punchline is "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!"

You are welcome. :whistle:

[clementi]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?

She replied with a wicked smile, Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand? :oops:

[worldangel]

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." :oops:

[worldangel]

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

[worldangel]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...." :oops:

[worldangel]

Joke: At Retirement Home

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

Joke: Doc, Help Me

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.

And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward." :oops:

[worldangel]

Joke: Speech Impediment

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves".

I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

Joke: Eye Examination

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes.

In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room." :oops:

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexual Survey

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.

"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.

"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.

"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."

Joke: Bad Sex

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for?

Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking.

Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for?

Ma said for knowing the difference. :oops:

[worldangel]

Joke: Clock or Cock Shop?

A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter.

The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid.

She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!"

"Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"

Joke: Barbie Doll

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter.

So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,

Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,

Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95,

and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[worldangel]

A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen.

She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed.

After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you.

You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs,

and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally."

The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.

One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened

— I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay.

A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened."

The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story.

Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened."

The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!"

[worldangel]

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence.

While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it.

When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

[worldangel]

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem.

The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged.

Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

[worldangel]

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him.

He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met.

He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him.

He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 47 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.

[worldangel]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window.

As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina.

When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted.

"Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[worldangel]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit,

and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple.

" The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket.

Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[worldangel]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.

Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said,

"Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work,

Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,

"Gosh I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[worldangel]

There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight.

So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man,

but he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help.

Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and

sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "Witch," he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long penis and no one will have sex with me!"

She takes one look at his massive cock and then says, "You do need my help. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond.

Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your penis will shrink by ten inches!"

Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest. And, sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself.

"Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up, annoyed. "No!" he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man."

The guy looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's still a bit long for sex, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted,

so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!"

"No - I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches again!

It's now only thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but, still, another ten inches off would be perfect!

"Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts,

"No ..........NO.....AND FOR THE LAST TIME.........NO!"

[worldangel]

An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years.

She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said,

"I have just thething. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."

The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!!

It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect.

He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!!

Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!

"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."

"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!" :oops:

[worldangel]

Sam has been in the mental health business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month.

Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation,

he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on the door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch...... your neighbor from four miles over the ridge.....having a party Saturday.....thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops,

"gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem....after 25 years in the mental health business, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.

"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam thinks....tough crowd.

"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again, Enoch turns from the door.

"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember, I've been alone for six months!

I'll definitely be there.....by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

[worldangel]

There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time.

Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation,

one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

"I'm an undertaker", responded the friend.

"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.

"Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection.

I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.....You want to talk about excitement, I was in the wrong room!!!" :oops:

[worldangel]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because

I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up

the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No ... that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I want to understand women. What makes them laugh?

What make them cry? Why are they temperamental? And why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes; then said, "So, do you want two lanes or four ?"

[worldangel]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that could service all of his many hens and

when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

"I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though,

he gave Randy a little pep talk."Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.

There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.

But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself".

But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn.

His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[worldangel]

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered,

"Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled ajar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever,

he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water,

a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The machine made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant.

It ain't yours---get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[worldangel]

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea.

He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

"Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the toilet's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book,

finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes, it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do." "What about golden toilets?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,

"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who shit in your Tuba!"

[worldangel]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." Boy- "I have a baseball." Man- "That's nice.

" Boy- "Want to buy it?" Man- "No, thanks." Boy- "My dad's outside." Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here." Man- "Yes, it is." Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy- "$750." Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again." :oops:

[worldangel]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[worldangel]

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants,

handed them to your mother,and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.

' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

'Ever since that night we never had any problems.' 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on and said,

'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike.

She said, 'Here-you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly.

And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.' And they lived happily ever after.

[worldangel]

The Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

[worldangel]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.

That's about 60 bucks a Month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this.

He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

[worldangel]

A boy and his father were playing ball in the front yard when the boy saw a honeybee.

He ran over and stomped it.

"Don't do that, that was a honeybee," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you.

For killing him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped on it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "he wasn't doing anything to you,

and for killing him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast.

The boy eating his toast plain with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove.

His mother stomped on it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

[worldangel]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients,

and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

whispering: "Dave..... Dave..... Dave, you sick bastard You're a vet." :oops:

[worldangel]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,

and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

[worldangel]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,

made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one.

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."