Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Surgery

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[worldangel]

Joke: Savings

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast.

He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"

[clementi]

Joke: Ice Cream Parlour

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?

No," he replied, "arthritis".

[clementi]

Joke:“Old” is when ……

...your sweetie says, "Let’s go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

[clementi]

Joke: The retirement home

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

[clementi]

Joke: Loss my glasses

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 76 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do, I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[clementi]

Joke: Looking old

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look That Old." Well... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His DDS Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School

"Yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.

"When Did You Graduate?" I Asked.

He Answered, "in 1959. Why Do You Ask?"

"You Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald Wrinkled, Fat, Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, "what Did You Teach?"

[clementi]

Joke: Don’t mess with old people

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Car problem

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."

The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

[worldangel]

Joke: In bed

Woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.

Somebody asked her how that could be possible. "Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

[worldangel]

Joke: Poison

With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips said..."my darling Carol."

"Hush, my love"...she said... "rest, don't talk."

In his tired voice..."I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess"...replied the weeping Carol... "everything is all right, just go to sleep."

"No"...he struggles..."I must die in peace, I have something to tell you Carol...I cheated on you!"

"I know"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead... "just let the poison do it's job."

[worldangel]

Joke: The big sneeze

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off again. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

[worldangel]

Joke: Firm believer

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the dick. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.

[worldangel]

Joke: The dead penis

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants.

Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr. Smith! I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "Today is the viewing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Not a good diagnosis

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help.

He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on.

Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs.Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones' came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses'. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses' said "You helped the Smith's, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses', the doc said "ok,ok...stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

[worldangel]

Joke: A good lesson to learn

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom complaint

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know". The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?" The man looking angrier and replied, "I don't know!" The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good luck

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife says, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Caribbean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Going out

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''

The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s advice

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

[worldangel]

Joke: New secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! HeeelpOoooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The best hunting dog

This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a dog for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the dog out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"

The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit." The guy says "OK, let's see it again."

The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice. The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."

The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.

The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?

The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"

[swimming_trunk]

[clementi]

Joke: Helicopter problem

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[clementi]

Joke: Life before the computer

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy. You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage. Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue.

A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

[clementi]

Joke: Monkey stuff

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Drunk again

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?

Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again

[clementi]

Joke: Long marriage

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

[clementi]

Joke: Birthday present

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[clementi]

Joke: Inconsistency

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[clementi]

Joke: Just like mom

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[clementi]

Joke: Success with women

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[clementi]

Joke: Favourite bakery

An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

[clementi]

Joke: Bringing home a drunk

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Twinkie

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two deaf people

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pumpkin

A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander, He says to himself, "Yaknow,a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it, and he doesn't notice a patrol car pull up.

The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The guy looks at the pumpkin in complete horror, thinks fast and says, " A pumpkin? Oh My goodness ,is it midnight already?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Prisoner

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied.

"How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly."

She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Restricted fishing area

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.

The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"

"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely." "But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman. "But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected. "That's true; but you have all the equipment."

THE MORAL OF STORY: Never argue with a woman who reads.

[worldangel]

Joke: Special price

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip

the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to

$20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Guardian angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Peace & quiet

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day".

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband prank

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dumb husband

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pain reliefs

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s affair

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet."

[clementi]

Joke: Confession

A guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"

[clementi]

Joke: Picture

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.

It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look long!"

[clementi]

Joke: The monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "

He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.