Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.

He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.

Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

[clementi]

Joke: Sex

A boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

[clementi]

Joke: Going all night

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!

[clementi]

Joke: Mary Patricia

A teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the priest asks.

"No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months."

Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

[clementi]

Joke: The fireman

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.

The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

[clementi]

Joke: Dormitory rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."

He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[clementi]

Joke: Forgetful actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[clementi]

Joke: Local Supermarket

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

[clementi]

Joke: Divorce proceedings

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'

[clementi]

Joke: Bear hunting

A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting. He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I'll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back. "

The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be? "She say's, "There's no way I'm going Bear hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob. "

A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Goodness, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."

[clementi]

Joke: O and O joke

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever.

I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor.

I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles.

I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison...."

[clementi]

Joke: Out-Of-State Friend

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my asshole as your scoreboard?"

[clementi]

Joke: Kidnapped Wife

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared, the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn’t been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am only here to get something to eat."

[clementi]

Joke: Fireman

Two firemen are butt fucking in a smoked filled room. The Fire Chief walks in and says, “What are you doing? Give this man mouth to mouth”

One of the fireman says: I did how do you think all this shit got started...............

[clementi]

Joke: Gossip

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

[clementi]

Joke: Horny

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!" The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.

Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning.

For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......." "So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

[clementi]

Joke: Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: Palm reader

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted.

"That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother’s day

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said.

"Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

[worldangel]

Joke: Monterey Bay

When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife in a scuba diving incident in Monterey Bay, he was greeted by two grim-faced police officers. "We're sorry to call on you at this late hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife." "Well.... tell me!" he demanded.

One of the officers said: "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first." So the police officer says: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in Monterey Bay." "OH MY GOD!" said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion.

Then, remembering what the officer had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well...." said the officer, "When we pulled her up, she had two five pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her." "Huh?" he said, not understanding. So, what's the great news?"

The officer smiled, licking his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mirror

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something. "Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?" Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage counsellor

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counellor.

After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Midnight

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bag

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bathroom call

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!

[worldangel]

Joke: Bride

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honour, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna."

[worldangel]

Joke: Check me out

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

[worldangel]

Joke: Chihuahua

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fisherman

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Flasher

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

[worldangel]

Joke: Four-star general

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Frog wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "if you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "you do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ginger

A women goes to her boy friend’s parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole, the gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the toot.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let rip with a fart that rivalled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits all over you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Breaking off

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs. "Not on her best day," he replied. "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke." "Well, then, is it sex?" "Nobody does it like you, babe." "Then what can she do that I can't?" "...Sue me for child support."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bridge anyone?

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.

They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said "I've got strength but no length."

Another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick." I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."

Another lady was talking about her protecting her honor, and two other ladies said, Now it' s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if I didn't hear someone say, "Well I guess we'll go home now, that was the last rubber."

[worldangel]

Joke: Foreplay

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grilling

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "You're butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The wife chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Movie theater

At the movie theatre, a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Italian bread

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy crap ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrow a newspaper

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

[clementi]

Joke: Skydiving

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes.

Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"

[clementi]

Joke: Drunken talk

Two old drunks were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says: "You know, Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

[clementi]

Joke: Prostitute

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head.

"You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sign language

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

[worldangel]

Joke: The shoe

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

[worldangel]

Joke: The big surprise

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's.

He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well.

That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said.

She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby"

"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 19 inches long!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You will hate Fridays

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares. Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You are gay? Guy: No... Satan: Ooooh hate Fridays.

[clementi]

Joke: Funeral

During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbours at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

"Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband

[clementi]

Joke: Engineer

One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But, St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list." So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that, it was too hot and everything was inaccessible.

So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan, "So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says: "Well, it's great, I've got an engineer down here and he has built air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don't know what else, he's gonna build next.

Then God asks, "You've got an engineer down there?" "That's a big mistake, send him up here right now!" and Satan replies, "No way this is the best thing that's ever happened to hell." and God says, "send him up or I'll sue!!" and Satan says smirking, "Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer??"

[clementi]

Joke: Aging with smile

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.