Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Cold water

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[clementi]

Joke: Improvement

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

[clementi]

Joke: Two drops

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."

The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

[clementi]

Joke: Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[clementi]

Joke: A 93-year old woman

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[clementi]

Joke: Mid-life

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

[clementi]

Joke: The ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that Statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People.

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[worldangel]

Joke: Focus please

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE!" So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S JUST GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Visit to the doctor

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.

After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

[worldangel]

Joke: No way

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed.

"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

[worldangel]

Joke: The rules

A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll come home anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do you understand?"

His new bride smiled sweetly and said, "Of course, dear. That's fine. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clock-whether you're here or not!"

[worldangel]

Joke: This place stinks

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

[worldangel]

Joke: Facelift

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.

Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.

Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Chip shop"

[clementi]

Joke: Sexual Exhaustion

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She also tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room pipes up and asks the teacher out loud, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class has all it can do keep from breaking up, being barely able to stifle its laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand then."

[clementi]

Joke: Shipwrecked

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform. "Thank Heaven for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain. "Ten years, ten long years" replies the man. "Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on your own?" "Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is, over there, Number 1!" "But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".

"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly. "What do you mean?" inquires the Captain. "Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me.

Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!" "Ugh Heaven, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain. "Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

[clementi]

Joke: Shipwrecked

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform. "Thank Heaven for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain. "Ten years, ten long years" replies the man. "Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on your own?" "Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there it is, over there, Number 1!" "But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".

"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly. "What do you mean?" inquires the Captain. "Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me.

Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!" "Ugh Heaven, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain. "Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

[clementi]

Joke: Caring Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered. "Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!

[clementi]

Joke: Sunbathing

A rather well-proportioned young lady, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[worldangel]

Joke:Keep on trucking

'Hello, this is Dave. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil.' [in the background there are noises - a drawer opens and there is shuffling around.]

'Right, what would you like me to tell me?'

Moira, young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal.

After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. 'I just know you are small, blonde with blue eyes,' he said.

'No,' Moira replied, 'I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes.'

'Close enough!' said the trucker.

[worldangel]

Joke: Old men or new born baby?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, 'Earl, I'm 81 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Earl replies, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

Really, how are you like a newborn baby?'

'Well, I have no hair, no teeth, and please excuse me, I am too much of a gentleman to mention my other problem.'

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is like a motor car

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.

When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburettor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.

The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

Gentlemen, start your engines!

[worldangel]

Joke: Retirement

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'

Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'

Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'

Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'

[worldangel]

Joke: Classic proposal

Maurice, aged 87, was very contented living in the Alpha Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Edna, 76, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only yesterday Maurice plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.

Edna smiled and replied, 'Alright.'

Maurice asked softly, 'Will you marry me?'

Delighted, Edna answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Maurice what his second question was.

He replied, 'Edna, will you please help me to get up?'

[worldangel]

Joke: You can't keep a good old'un down.

Rosa and Arthur, now well into their 80's, went to breakfast at Bert's Café where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' murmured Rosa. 'But I don't want eggs.'

'Then I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering à la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Rosa spluttered.

'Yes.' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then.' Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and still in the shell,' Rosa answered with a glint in her eye.

Rosa took the two eggs home.

Moral of the story: You can't keep a good old'un down.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business' , declared the first man.

'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Retirement

Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment! Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"

"191," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, "It's your turn. What is five times five?"

"Wednesday," replies Jenkin man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five?"

"Twenty five," says Martin.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"

"Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."

[worldangel]

Joke:Why we split up

My new wife Jenny told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $75 on makeup. So I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think Jenny's coming back.

[worldangel]

Joke:Smell

A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies, "Hell no!"

The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

[worldangel]

Joke:Cross-examining

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: About getting married

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

[worldangel]

Joke:More beer

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

[worldangel]

Joke: Funny reason for divorce

Judge Jeffries was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asks, 'What exactly are the grounds for your divorce?'

Amy replied, 'Approximately four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'

'No,' Judge Jeffries continued, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'

'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' responded Amy promptly.

'I mean,' he sighed, 'What are your relations like?'

'Ah well, I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.'

Judge Jeffries asked, 'Do you have a real grudge?'

'No, we haven't,' Amy replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.'

'Please,' Judge Jeffries took a deep breath and tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'

'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes,' smiled Amy.

'Ma'am,' Judge Jeffries raised his voice, 'does your husband ever beat you up?'

'Oh yes,' Amy responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.'

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?'

'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' Amy replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Priceless antique

Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.

One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, 'When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it.'

'Sorry,' replied Victoria, 'but I can't possibly sell you that.'

'Oh, what a pity, but why not?' inquired Claire.

'Because,' said the owner, 'that's my husband.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Files missing person report

Gilbert went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.

Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.

Officer: How tall is she?

Husband: I never checked.

Officer: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Officer: Colour of her hair?

Husband: That changes according to season.

Officer: What was she wearing?

Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Officer: Was she driving?

Husband: Yes.

Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .

Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2013 plate. Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....

Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.

[clementi]

Joke: Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each other clothes off and make love.

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Edited December 22, 2014 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Examination

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk. 1. A tube of K-Y jelly 2. A rubber glove 3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed Out the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHTJoke: Examination

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk. 1. A tube of K-Y jelly 2. A rubber glove 3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed Out the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT

[clementi]

Joke: With age comes wisdom

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[clementi]

Joke: A silent man

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.

"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she returning?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

[clementi]

Joke: Quick thinking

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house.

The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"

"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

[clementi]

Joke: Medicine helping the bull

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows.

His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked his friend.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

[clementi]

Joke: Helpful memory clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

[clementi]

Joke: Getting the library open

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

[clementi]

Joke: Getting rid of the problem

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[clementi]

Joke: Two good old boys

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

[worldangel]

Joke: Black eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Door to door

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

“Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”

[worldangel]

Joke:The dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Wake-up call

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.