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Joke: Personal questions

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Elder Pick Up

A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most.

Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Paying the bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Nursing home

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: One thing we can do

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Where is the wheelchair?

A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out of the door.

On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers.

“Here’s your husband!” “Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”

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Joke: Draculas

On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other.

The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack.

The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack.

The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood. Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city.

The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "Goddammit, I didn't!"

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Joke: Brunette, redhead, and blonde

A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff. An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely.

The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, "Pillows!" She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom. The redhead goes next. She jumps and says "Feathers!" She lands on a mass of feathers below.

The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, "Shit!" as she falls off.

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Joke: 101 Dalmatians

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children.

One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby.

Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets."

The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmatiaqns!"

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Joke: Buffalo Theory

The "Buffalo Theory" of beer. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!

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Joke: Orange

A mentally challenged man walks up to this guy and asks, "Can you help me? I'm trying to spell the word 'orange.'"

The guy responds, "What a retard, didn't your mom teach you?" The man answers, "No." "Ever?" says the guy. "No," responds the mentally challenged man.

The guy responds, "Okay, which one are you trying to spell, the color or the fruit?"

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Joke: Orange

A mentally challenged man walks up to this guy and asks, "Can you help me? I'm trying to spell the word 'orange.'"

The guy responds, "What a retard, didn't your mom teach you?" The man answers, "No." "Ever?" says the guy. "No," responds the mentally challenged man.

The guy responds, "Okay, which one are you trying to spell, the color or the fruit?"

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Joke: A man at the bar

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there."

So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair."

The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

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Joke: The little boy

A little boy gets a toy plane. The boy loves his plane. He flies it all over the house. One day, the boy is in the living room with his plane while his mom is in the kitchen washing dishes. She listens to the boy playing and hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you mother fucking people want to get on, get on. All you mother fucking people want to get off, get off."

Angry, his mom rushes into the living room, takes the plane away, and sends him into his room. After 15 minutes, she starts to feel bad and tells the boy, "If you don't use that kind of language, you can play with your plane." The boy returns to the living room, his mom to the kitchen.

She listens again to the boy playing, she hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you very nice people want to get on, get on. All you very nice people want to get off, get off. If you have a problem with 15 minute delay, you can go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!

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Joke: At mental institution

A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution, takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall. He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape, should use that door.

Immediately they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through. However, one patient sits still in the back with a smile on his face. He has not moved at all. The doctor thinks he must be cured.

He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key."

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Joke: The duck

One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes."

The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails.

The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

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Joke: Grandma

Johnny was playing outside when he had to go to the bathroom. He runs inside his house and his grandma was in the bathroom naked about to take a shower.

He looks at her crotch and says, “What’s that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.” The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower.

He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because its tongue is hanging out.”

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Joke: Midget

A midget with a lisp goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth.

Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat."

So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's twat. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."

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Joke: Migraines

A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should try it sometime."

Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

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Joke: $10 bill

A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt.

His mate says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!”

So, he explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?”

He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!”

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Joke: Stop that

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Cough treatment

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Old marriage

The ninety-year-old man was in for his check-up when the doctor learned he was about to marry an eighteen-year-old girl.

"Now, Mr. Jenkins", the doctor warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt".

The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies".

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Need light

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Realizing

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: The hook

A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy.

“Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy.

“Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy.

“Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!”

“That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!”

“Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull shit.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

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Joke: Old couple

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town." The old man says, "We're from Nebraska."

Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman.

The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska." The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?"

The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

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Joke: Check-up

An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news.

The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's."

The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

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Joke: On a remote island

Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says, "I will grant you one weapon with which to kill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins."

The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies. The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says, "Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"

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Joke: Elevator

A man lives and works in the same building.

Every day he takes the elevator from the 10th floor down to the 1st floor where he works.

At the end of the day he rides from the 1st floor up to the 7th floor and takes the stairs the rest of the way. Why?

He is a dwarf and can't reach the 10th floor button.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Hairy dick

Harry, Mary, and Dick are great friends.

One day, they discover a magical fence. You can jump over it, say what you want to be, and it will transform you into it. Mary walks off to go to the bathroom.

Harry jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a mailman." So he turns into a mailman.

Dick jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a whale." So he turns into a whale. Mary returns from the bathroom and doesn't recognize her friends.

She decides to go looking for them. Mary jumps over the fence asking, "Harry? Dick?" And she turns into hairy dick.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Lolly jar

A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."

Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"

The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Will you hold the donkey!?``

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can`t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.

He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ``I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.`

``Anything?`` he says, getting fairly excited.

``Yes, anything.`` she replies.

So he says, ``Will you hold the donkey!?``

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: 3 Wishes

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!.What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Is that You Bubba?

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can`t help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

`Well,` says Bubba, `every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!`

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, `Bubba? Is that you?`

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Teenage daughters

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: `I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter`s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn`t even know that she smoked!`

`It gets worse than that,` says the second mother. `I was tidying my daughter`s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn`t even know that she drank!`

`Oh, it gets even worse than that,` says the third mother. `I was tidying my daughter`s room last week and you`ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn`t even know that she had a penis!

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Catch my eye

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

`Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,` she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. `Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.`

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said `You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?`

`No, she replied. `You just happened to catch my eye!`

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: It was a warm summer day

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he`d first had sex.

`It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,` Clem recalled.`That sounds wonderful,` said Jed.

`Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.`

`Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?`

`Baaaaa...`

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Parascope

This middle aged couple want to put some excitement back into their sex life.

So the woman says why don't we take a bath and play submarine like we used to. He says ok.

So they get in there and she says "How can we play submarine if u can't raise your parascope?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Snoring problems

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by goodness, we got first and second place."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Falling asleep

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Fishing

A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight.

Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late.

On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk clerk stops him.

"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon," He asks.

"Yes sir.." The man replies.

"Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed with her.." he says.

"I can't, she's got ghonnerhea." the man replies casually.

"Okay, how 'bout a little oral action?"

"Nope, she's got herpes."The man says calmly.

Agitated, the desk clerk says "Well, you could take the back door.."

"Nope, she's got diarrhea."

Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?"

The man smiles "She's got worms too..and they make good bait."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Wrong expressions

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke:Dead dog

Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. “Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”

The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene. Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same. Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.

They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief. “This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it. “I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.” “It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Pregnancy

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels. His wife Maggie was in labour and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital.

Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor. “MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?” The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”

“SHIRLEY!” Brian screamed on the top of his lungs, “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!” “And is this her first child?”

Question the doctor.

“NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke:Elderly couple

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

"Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke:It’s a brand new

On a windy day, an old lady is standing on a street corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is flying up over her face.

An old man across the street sees her and runs over. As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that damn hat with both hands.

You ought to be ashamed." She looked at him and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but this hat is brand new."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a 10 foot long alligator. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that animal outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'll get sued."

The guy says, "No no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open.

After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth, zips up his pants, and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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Joke: 4 parachutes

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes.

Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.

One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute.

The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left."

The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

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