Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?? Are you celebrating something?"

Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, Sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." :oops:

[worldangel]

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor.

I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.

The child Should be in my custody. "

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating. ..then slowly rose.

"Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...

Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?" :oops:

[worldangel]

A man and a woman had a dog. There dog slept with them, but the dog had the problem of snoring extremely loud.

The woman finally got fed up and went to the vet to see if he could help.

The vet replied, "Tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles. It will stop his snoring.

To that the woman replied, "Ha! Yeah right!

That night while the woman was trying to sleep, the dog's snoring became so nerve racking,

that she rummaged through her closet and finally found a red ribbon.

She carefully tied it around the dog's testicles and almost immediatley, his snoring stopped.

Satisfied, the woman went to bed.

As she began to dose off she heard her husband enter the bedroom from a night of drinking with his friends.

The man climbed into bed and began to snore louder than the dog had done.

The, woman was thinking that maybe tying a ribbon around the man's testicles would fix his problem to.

Again, she rummaged through the closet until she came across a blue ribbon.

She tied it around the man's testicles, and, like the dog, he stopped snoring almost immediatley.

Now the woman went to bed happy.

The next morning the man woke up before the woman. He went to the bathroom to take an early morning wizz.

When the man dropped his pants, he was shocked to see he had a blue ribbon around his testicles!

Then the dog walked in and the man noticed the red ribbon around the dog's testicles.

To this the man said, "I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but it looks like we got first and second place."

[worldangel]

Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.

He was bugging Mother so she said, “Jimmy, why don’t you go across the street

and watch the builders work. Maybe you’ll learn something.”

Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.

Jimmy replied, “Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn’t fit,

so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side

and put the Mother fxxker back up.”

Jimmy’s Mother said, “you wait til your Dad comes home.” When Jimmy’s dad got home,

mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story.

Dad said, “Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch.”

Jimmy replied, “fxxk you, that’s the Electrician’s job.” :yuk:

[worldangel]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied,

“Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.”

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”

Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?” :oops:

[worldangel]

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.

Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”

The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.

He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying,

“It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”

The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day,

or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.” :oops:

[worldangel]

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink.

I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.

My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.

The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

[worldangel]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides

to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides

to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and

says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start

at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[worldangel]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from,

and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.

She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother and

father kiss you on the cheek."

[worldangel]

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh.

Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.

So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry.

The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing.

The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?"

"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...." :oops:

[worldangel]

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office

worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,

and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to

come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all

come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[worldangel]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party,

and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here.

I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!!

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

[worldangel]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read.

One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap.

While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman’s boat and asks her what she’s doing?

She says, “Reading my book.” The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she’s not fishing.

To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!”

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, “If you do that, I will charge you with rape.”

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, “But I didn’t even touch you.”

To which the lady replied, “Yeah, but you have all the equipment!”

[worldangel]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.

When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’

I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish,

serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman,

as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

[worldangel]

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.

The man peered over his paper and asked “Would you let me fxxk you for a dollar?”

“Certainly not!” exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said “Would you let me fxxk you for a million dollars?”

After a brief pause, the woman replied “yes, I suppose I would.” Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked “Would you let me fxxk you for five dollars?”

“Certainly not!” replied the young woman, getting angry now “What kind of girl do you take me for?”

“We’ve already established that” replied the man, “We’re just haggling over the price!”

[worldangel]

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn?

[worldangel]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

“Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?”

The mother promptly threw a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress,

and squats down picking the dough up with her vagina.

“Practice this and when you can do it, I’ll guarantee that your man will be satisfied

for the rest of his life,” said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee,

carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee,

and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

“What’s wrong, honey?” she asked.

He replied, “Shit woman!” as he stepped further away. “If that thing barks like that for a biscuit,

I sure as hell don’t want to throw any meat at it!”

[worldangel]

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man

on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and

I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man, with a glint in his eye, responded, “I’ve got a better idea…let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not?” giggled the woman. “Good,” he said. “Get your own blanket.”

[crazygolfer]

For twenty-five years, Mr. Bookman had arrived at work at exactly 9:00am.

He had never missed a day and was never late.

One day, 9 am passed without Bookman’s arrival, it caused a sensation.

All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering,

came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Bookman showed up, clothes dusty and

torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped

painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all

eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of

stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”

And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took

you a whole hour?” :swear:

[clementi]

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray

eyebrows.

Who ever thought up the word “Mammogram?” Every time I hear it, I

think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to

someone.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Laugh and world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your

girlfriends.

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he

can’t.

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be

thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your

body falls apart.

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to serve

as a horrible warning :whistle:

[clementi]

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and

finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner

with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a

secluded spot.

They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited.

He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s

a virgin and wants to stay that way.

“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?”

“Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”

I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to

shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”

She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”

He pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes

close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and

he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!!” she cries out.

“Take your thumb off the end!!”

[clementi]

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

---------------

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

----------------

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

-----------------

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

-----------------

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on t he photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

[worldangel]

A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue

Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear

your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the

accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite

advice. “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant

suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting

advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. “Let me tell

you a story,” replied the priest. “A woman, about to be married,

asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy,

long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when

she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your

most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.’ ”

Confused, the man asked, “What does all this have to do with my

problem with the IRS?”

“Simple,” replied the Priest. “It doesn’t matter what you wear,

you’re going to get screwed

[worldangel]

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said,

“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has

everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants,

so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate

that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.

She’ll probably be thrilled!” So, the first fellow did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion?

How’d it turn out?”

“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth,

and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’!”

[worldangel]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one

cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are

freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat

will warm them up.” So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend and he

said “My hands are freezing cold.” The girl replied, “Put them

between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” So he

did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the

daughter. He said “My nose is cold.” The girl replied “Put it

between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” So he

did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter

and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her

mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a

penis?” Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why, yes. Why do

you ask?” The daughter replies “Well they make one hell of a mess

when they defrost, don’t they?”

[worldangel]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,

a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:

“Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed,

just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

[worldangel]

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters.

Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure

everything was all right.

One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter

coming from his youngest daughter’s room.

He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached

the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of

bothering her at this time of the night.

When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear

her crying.

He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her

tomorrow and continued.

There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter’s room,

and he then went to bed, satisfied.

The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table,

he said to his youngest daughter “I heard you laughing last night,

as I walked past your window. Why was that?”

She answered “That’s because you taught me to laugh when someone

was making me happy…”

He then asked his second daughter “I heard you crying last night,

why was that?”

She answered “That’s because you taught me to cry when someone was

making me hurt…”

He then told his oldest daughter “I didn’t hear anything from you…”

She said “That’s because you taught me not to talk with my mouth

full…”

[worldangel]

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old.

The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout.

The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”

The nine-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”

Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”

The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”

The nine year old says, “They’re for my four year old little brother.”

The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother?”

The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these,

you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

[worldangel]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today.

I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley.

I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake.

As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.

I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[worldangel]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again,

much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[worldangel]

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"

She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

[worldangel]

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin.

In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking,

'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said,

"I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." :oops:

[worldangel]

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.

The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"I have no dick!"

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!"

"What's wrong?" the doctor asks.

"I have no dick!"

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!"

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate you!"

"Why?" the doctor asks.

"Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!" He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, "Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!"

"Why?"

"Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!"

[worldangel]

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."

"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"

"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.

"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"

"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what?" asked the collector.

"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.

"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.

"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"

"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."

"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."

[worldangel]

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day.

She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[worldangel]

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

Doc: Do you drink a lot?

Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!

Doc: When did this start?

Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!

Doc: So what's wrong with that?

I think I'm going to croak!

[metalmickey]

Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

For those too slow to get the joke, please scroll down for the explanation.

The two fish were in a military tank, not a fish tank ...

Edited May 9, 2008 by metalmickey

[clementi]

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

[clementi]

One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say

"I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

[clementi]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,

I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet,

jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

[exec_fetish]

errmm.. dun quite get the joke.

can someone explain? thanks

[Guest translation]

means the wife was upset (screaming) that he wiped his dick on the curtain.

[exec_fetish]

oic. thanks for the enlightenment :thumb:

[worldangel]

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

[worldangel]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a pxxno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Well thank fxxk for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[worldangel]

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door.

She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer.

Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove." :whistle:

[worldangel]

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound."

Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound."

Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you."

Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world."

The other three guys say really? Why's that?

And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I shit my pants!"

Edited May 24, 2008 by worldangel

[worldangel]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!

[worldangel]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He says,"What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies...

"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

[worldangel]

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that " I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys.

The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction! :whistle: