worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: The kid has a dream During a quarrel with his parents, the teenager announced, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. And don't try to stop me!" As he headed for the door, his father followed him. "Didn't you hear me? Don't try to stop me!" "Stop you?" said his father, "I was thinking of joining you!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: Zipper Mr. Larsen's new secretary was young, sweet, and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. She didn't want to embarrass him, so she waited until she was leaving his office before saying, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." The remark confused him until he happened to look down and see his open zipper. He decided to have some fun. Calling her in, he asked, "Miss Jones,when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" Miss Jones smiled demurely. "Why no, sir. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: A seminar The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in- training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night." "OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?" "Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too." "I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?" "Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: How many people? Since their wedding day three years earlier, Cindy had been nagging Bill to tell her about his past. "Come on, tell me," she pressed. "Just how many women have you slept with?" "Honey, if I told you, you'd just get mad." "No, I won't. I promise. Please, tell me." "Well, okay. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, you, seven, eight...." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke:Was she begging for you? Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool. "Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house." "Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss." "How did you do that?" asked Bill. "I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship'." "What happened?" "Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees." "How did you do that?" "I was hiding under the bed at the time." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: What a bachelor Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says,"Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoohoo, Shirley. He's single." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: He needs convincing Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: Three wishes for men There were three men walking down a beach when they found a lamp laying in the sand. They rubbed the lamp and out came a genie who said "I'll give each of you a wish." So the first guy says I want to be 10 times smarter, and then he started quoting Shakespeare. Not to be outdone the second guy said I want to be 100 times smarter and then he started doing calculus in his head. Well the third guy did not want to be outdone so he said I want to be a 1000 times smarter, and he turned into a woman. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: A fairy A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: Pulling a tooth The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 13, 2015 Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) Joke: Police stop at 2AM An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife." Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!! Joke: New Mercedes owner A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" Edited January 13, 2015 by clementi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 13, 2015 Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Joke: New Mercedes owner A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Construction workers A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor tells him to drop his pants, examines him for just a moment, and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him across his ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. When he returns, he says, "Doc, I feel great! What should I do?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping your butt with those old cement bags!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Husband compliment A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Husband compliment A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Love life problems A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems. Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: You were there Even though her husband had been in a coma for months, the faithful wife stayed by his bedside every day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come near. She leaned over in order to hear him. "What is it, my husband?" "When I got fired, you were there." "Yes, dear," she comforted him. "When my business failed, you were there." "Yes, dear." "When I got depressed and started drinking, you were there." "Yes, dear." "When we went bankrupt and lost our home, you were there." "Yes, dear." "And when my health failed, once again you were right here by my side." "Yes, dear." "You know what?" "What, dear?" "You're bad luck!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: The smearing aid Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Loving husband A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Marriage conclusion A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Rescue bill Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 14, 2015 Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Going to sleep It's closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. "Goodness, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours". "Sneaking's not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstairs, and yelling 'Hey baby, let's have sex'. When I do that, my wife always pretends she's sound asleep". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 14, 2015 Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Special day Wife to Husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you. Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 14, 2015 Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Joke: Room service A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee, watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the man. "Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks the room service guy. "I'm homesick", replies the man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greyzoned Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 They are really hilarious! Thank you for putting in your time and effort into this thread! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Drunk driver A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Happy pharmacist A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Argument A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," the pro said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'." "Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Marriage A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Deaf night out Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Bartender’s mistakes A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" The guy responds, "Double Scotch." The bartender gives him a double scotch and the guy swallows it in one gulp and then proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. The guy looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man. Once again the man swallows it in one gulp and proceeds to look into his shirt pocket and once again he looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man. By the fifth round with the exact same reaction from the man each time the bartender finally asks, "Hey buddy, I will fill you shot glass all night long, but you have tome, what is in your pocket?" The guy looks up at the bartender and politely says, "It's a picture of my wife. I am just waiting for her to look pretty so I can go home." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Ask another doctor The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: You An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away. But, please tell me: did he have a different father?" His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth. She says, "You." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Wedding night A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years... I thought he meant his money!!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Kids seem to like her After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither, Doc."Said the husband. "But she's a good cook and the kids seem to like her." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: The better mistress A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: After the funeral A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: That nagging sagging feeling Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: This place stinks A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Brains available A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00. The patient could not help but ask; "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: What position? "Will I be the first to do this to you?" whispered the new groom to his new bride. "What a silly question," giggled the girl. "I don't even know what position you want to use yet." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: The hunter An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Doctor Qualities First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Bird Viagra A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Blind dog A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Manager advice A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Speeding A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Um, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Amish driver An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady. "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop. Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob. "He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady. "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob. "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"... Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: Wrong number A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 Joke: 95-year old uncle "My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend. "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend. "He was 95 years old", answers the man. "Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?". "Because his parachute didn't open". Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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