worldangel Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Nervous dad “Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck. After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried. “Thank G-d, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Cemetery ‘Bob’s Tavern’ was right next door to a cemetery. One day in mid winter a drunk stumbled out of the tavern. Due to his drunk state he wasn’t careful where he was going and he fell into a freshly dug grave. “Help!”Screamed the drunk on the top of his lungs, “I’m freezing!” Before long another drunk sauntered out of the tavern and made his way towards the first drunk’s cries. “I’m freezing!” Screamed the first drunk again. “Of course you are” scolded the second drunk, coming closer. “You kicked off all of the dirt they had covered you with!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Making fish stix One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that. A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes. The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Pussy or bitch After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog. Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Wild thinking A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left. He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she answered back,"I like the way you think." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream, which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said,"The one that is sucking the ice cream." He answered,"No, the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Revenge A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) Joke: Four animals A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals. My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it. Edited January 18, 2015 by clementi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Marriage A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.” She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies, “That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with YOU!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: The dial A woman went to her plastic surgeon to discuss her frown lines. The surgeon brought out a dial. "If you see any wrinkles, just twist this dial and it will stretch your skin." The woman tried the dial and it was working great! But after three years with the dial, she had to see the surgeon again. "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong; I keep twisting the dial but I just can't get these bags out from under my eyes." The Doctor said ", I'm sorry but, those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts." "Oh," she said. "That would explain the goatee." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Olympic condoms A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Marriage lies There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Going out A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'' The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?'' The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.'' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Going out A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'' The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?'' The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.'' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: One missing girl George came home one day, very excited. "Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Jean, "they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!" Jean responded "That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Joke: Savings The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order. The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?" "That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Indecent proposal The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me have sex with you for a dollar?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me have sex with you for a million dollars?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me have sex with you for five dollars?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Not enough moaning Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying. She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you''re having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I''ve always been a good wife. I''ve cooked for you, raised your children, and have always been by your side for 35 years. What haven''t I done to make you happy?" Morris replied, "It''s true, Sadie, you''ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex." Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex." They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into bed. As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?" He said, "No, not yet." He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now? Should I moan now?" He said, "No, I''ll tell you when." He climbed on top of her and started to move on her. She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?" He said, "Wait, wait, I''ll tell you when." A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan! Moan!" She said, "Oy, you wouldn''t believe what a day I had..." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Attractive woman A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I’m afraid I can’t" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Men earrings A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck..." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Good luck A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas." His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?" He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Special price One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Doctor advice A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Doctor affair Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Not you’re normal family A mother heard a hum coming from her daughter's bedroom. She opened the door to find her daughter lying naked on her bed, enjoying a vibrator. "What are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!" A few days later the father heard a hum coming from the basement. He went downstairs and found his daughter lying naked on the sofa, again enjoying her friend, the vibrator. "What are you doing?" She replied, "Dad, I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!" A few days later the mother again heard the hum, this time coming from the living room. She found her husband watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: One up Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation." She looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself," says the third one. "Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg". Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Test results Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith says, "What do you mean?" The receptionist replies, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife." Mr Smith exclaims, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" The receptionist calmly replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: The dial A woman went to her plastic surgeon to discuss her frown lines. The surgeon brought out a dial. "If you see any wrinkles, just twist this dial and it will stretch your skin." The woman tried the dial and it was working great! But after three years with the dial, she had to see the surgeon again. "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong; I keep twisting the dial but I just can't get these bags out from under my eyes." The Doctor said ", I'm sorry but, those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts." "Oh," she said. "That would explain the goatee." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Pit bull A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Car shopping A lovely lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone had noticed her little accident. She turns back, and there, standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Ma'am. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Ma'am, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Inpatient farmer A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride scolded him, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer said, "That's once." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Business decision A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?' She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: Red tomatoes A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Joke: 95-year old uncle "My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend. "Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend. "He was 95 years old", answers the man. "Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?". "Because his parachute didn't open". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke:Oops Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke:Collection Specialist Jim, a collections specialist, was on his first day of work for his new employer and was assigned to collect a past due balance from a company that was a customer of his employer. He had been provided with a standard script that he was to use where he was to ask for "Accounts Payable" when calling the customer so that he could talk with someone about the payment of the past due bill. He made the call, asked the receptionist for "Accounts Payable", and waited for what seemed to be forever on hold. Finally, after a very long time, the blonde receptionist, who was also on her first day on the job and new to the world of business, came back on the phone and stated, "I am sorry, but I have looked down our list of employees and I do not find anyone named Accounts Payable." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Paddy met Sean on the street Paddy met Sean on the street one day and said, "Sean have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant in very good health, for just one hundred pounds." Sean said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?" "It's a beautiful elephant," continues Paddy, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk." "You have to be kidding.... I have nothing to feed it," cried Sean. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it." But Paddy went on: "Two beautiful tusks, each two feet long. It is a magnificent beast...and toilet trained. They don't make them like that anymore." "Paddy," said Sean, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where the heck will I keep an elephant?" "You are a hard man, Sean" said Paddy. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant, its mate, for only £50 extra." Sean smiled and said, "Ah!! Now you're talking!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Child Custody A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied..."Your Honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Joke:Police Dog A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!" Edited January 20, 2015 by worldangel Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke:Census... Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?' Woman: 'Four.' Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?' Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.' Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?' Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke:Drunk driver? A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed. The cop was dumbfounded. 'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman. 'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Snail Tom’s wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment’s before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down to the beach to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails. Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party. Tom, looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Drunkard The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic . At his family’s urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day. A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist’s office. “I wanna report that I wash drunk last night,” he mumbled. “For heaven’s sake, man, you’re drunk right now! ”cried the doctor. “Yeah I know,” said the patient, “but I’m gonna report this tomorrow.” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke:Wedding cake A Doctor was addressing a large audience in a capital. 'Thematerial we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of ussitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode yourstomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets canbe disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by thegerms in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is themost dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyonehere tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and sufferingfor years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,'Wedding Cake.' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: A man wakes up in the hospital A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with yourwife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'Yes, she has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. 'We're getting granite countertops.' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Condom count A father is in the drugstore with his young son when the boy discovers the condom aisle. "What are these, Dad?" "Well, son, those are condoms. They're for protection when you're having sex." The son points to a pack and asks, "Why does it have only three in it, Dad?" "Well, son, those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Well, why does this pack have six in it?" "Well, son, those are for college men: two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "Well then, what about this package with 12 in it?" "Well, son, those are for married men: one for January, one for February..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: More effort needed I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Weight A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Divorce court "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Walk the line A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. “Alright,” says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. “Walk in a straight line.” “I’d be happy to,” says the drunk “just stop moving the stupid line.” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Crazy drunk Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door. “Can you give me a push”, asked the man at the door.” Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed. “Shame on you”, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story. “You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.” So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out “Ok I’m here to give you a push, where are you?” I’m over here in the back” came the voice “on the swing.” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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