worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke:A woman’s punishment A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.' 'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. 'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke:"Doctor, I need your help" "Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. "What seems to be the problem?" "My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" "Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" "Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!" "Er ... Why don't you take a lover?" "I have! I still don't get enough." "Take another lover." "I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!" "Gosh, that's an anomaly." "Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: Once upon a time Once upon a time, inside a testis, there was a sperm that started Bodybuilding. Jogging, weight lifting, yoga and every possible way he adopted to become a strong and healthy one. His sperm friends asked him the reason. He told them frankly, "Friends, we are cores in number and everybody has a very short life span except the one who meets with the female egg and survives. I want to be that surviving one." The reason was so genuine that every sperm wished to be the surviving one and all of them started exercise. Hundreds of health clubs started in both the testes with one and only one aim that whenever time comes, everybody would run faster to reach the egg and fertilize it. And the time, at last, came. Everybody took the position and started running... However, one of the experienced sperm immediately closed the exit door and shouted, "Go back friends, we have been deceived! This man is masturbating!!!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Joke: S-H-I-T and T-G-I-F A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright ,"t-g-i-f" He smiled at her and replied,"s-h-i-t" She looked puzzled, and repeated,"t-g-i-f". More slowly he answered, "s-h-i-t" The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so,she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly,"t-g-i-f" The man smiled back to her and once again"s-h-i-t". The exasperated blonde decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness its Friday", get it duuhhh? The man answered "s-h-i-t" means "sorry honey it`s Thursday." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Anniversary Flowers A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday". Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Husband for sale A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in a big city Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: “You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.” So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.” So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: My Valentine A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Bad flu Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment. When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: An old man walks into a bar An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through. Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?” The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Man and wife in heaven.... A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E." St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?" "Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Upon arriving home, a husband Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke:The Old Man and the Sea A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: A man was stopped at a checkpoint A man was stopped at a checkpoint on country border. The blonde border guard said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The traveler replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll backwards!" The guard, "Do you take me for a FOOL?! That won't keep me from inspecting things!" He gets into the car himself, in the passenger's seat, and applies the brake himself. "Now," he says, "That takes care of that, now go and open the trunk!!" So the traveler complies and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the guard from inside the car, "Are there any drugs or contraband in there?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke:What Their Daddy's Do A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives” “That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?” “My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane “Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?” “My daddy is dead” says Johnny “Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?” “He turned blue and shit on the carpet” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the night A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement, ... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: A man gets pulled over by the police... A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Ron was almost 29 years old Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next. Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?" Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again. "So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like my Mum. My mother loved her, they became great friends." "Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?" "I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke:Collection Specialist Jim, a collections specialist, was on his first day of work for his new employer and was assigned to collect a past due balance from a company that was a customer of his employer. He had been provided with a standard script that he was to use where he was to ask for "Accounts Payable" when calling the customer so that he could talk with someone about the payment of the past due bill. He made the call, asked the receptionist for "Accounts Payable", and waited for what seemed to be forever on hold. Finally, after a very long time, the blonde receptionist, who was also on her first day on the job and new to the world of business, came back on the phone and stated, "I am sorry, but I have looked down our list of employees and I do not find anyone named Accounts Payable." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Blind date.... "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Old man and 18 year old An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: The Fortune Teller A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question: "Will I be found guilty?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: Late for office hour Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?"he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river,look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Joke: This morning as I was buttoning ......then This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke:Gently put Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urge. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke:Boss issues A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) Joke:Side effects A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.'' The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady. Edited January 22, 2015 by clementi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke:Weight issues A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Covering shoes A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Faith healer Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke:Pregnancy questions A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...,"to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke:Vocabulary lessons One day a little boy went up to his father to get some help on his vocabulary homework. He had a hard time figuring out what theoretically and realistically meant. He went to his father and asked, "Dad, what does theoretically and realistically mean?" His father said, "well son, if you want to know, then this is how you'll find out...go up to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with a complete stranger for $500,000." The boy looked puzzled and said, "but what does this have to do with it?" "don't worry about it, just go do it." his father said. So the boy ran upstairs and came running back down 2 minutes later saying "Dad, Mom said she would do it." His Father said, "Good, now go ask your sister the same question you asked your mother now." The boy became confused again. but...but, "Trust me son, just go ask her and come back." So the boy ran into his sister’s bedroom and came back out to his father in a matter of a few seconds. "Dad, sissy said she would do too, but what does this have to do with what theoretically and realistically mean?" His dad replied, "Well son, theoretically I have 1,000,000 dollars and realistically we have two whores living in the house. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: This Tells Me That I Must Be Drunk A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asked him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke:Mixed up words A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need to see the upturn, please." "I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'" "Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Another wife? At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.' "But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?" One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Catsup A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: This guy was on the side of the road This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Revenge A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. “No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twin” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Cosmetics line Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Who is the father? A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Rich hooker One day a man went on a business trip to Florida. He had seen this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?" The hooker replied "100 Bucks" The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money" So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs." So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had. The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?" She said "200 dollars" "200 dollars that's a lot of money" She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yhat by the pier, I paid for that yhat by giving head jobs." So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package." "1000 dollars' "1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money" So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a Vagina." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: It's late, the bartender and a... It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender says, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!" The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceed to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: The Surgery A brain surgeon told a patient “you have a growing mass in your brain, it needs to be tended to immediately or it will kill you" The patient agreed to surgery the very next day. Immediately after opening the skull the surgeon took a biopsy of the ugly growing mass and gave it to the surgical nurse with instructions to rush it to the lab and have it analyzed. After a few minutes the nurse returned with the results and stood silently and grimly in front of the surgeon…. The surgeon finally asked…."WELL IS IT MALIGNANT?" The nurse replied…" I'm afraid it’s worse" … " WORSE", the surgeon barked, "WHAT CAN BE WORSE THAN MALIGNANT?" The nurse bowed her head and replied solemnly, "it's Liberal Progressive"…!!! Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Financial advice A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Online banking TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you? CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking? TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking. CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that? TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank. CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out? TECH: I'm not sure I understand? CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer? Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Family gathering As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Drill sergeant A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: At doctor’s clinic A man walks into a doctor’s clinic one day, completely naked, and covered in saran wrap. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor does some tests, and hours later, he tells the man, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Other disease The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: 26 Years old only A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Joke: Three men in a sauna Three men were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear, speaking into it. The others looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest cell phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail. The third man was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bottom. He looked around and "Oh look, I've got a fax coming through"! Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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