Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: After work

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Basketball coach

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lunchbox

Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.

The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.

The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building.

The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.

At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.

The first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"

The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"

But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."

[worldangel]

Joke: What was in your head?

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.

"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold.There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.

"Great!" replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Proposal

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist.Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

[worldangel]

Joke: Firefighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off of the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says, with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[worldangel]

Joke: Chunks is our dog

A lady and her husband go to the bar. The lady quietly tells the bar tender not to let her husband get drunk.

The bar tender, concerned, asked "Sure, but is there a reason?" The lady replies "Yes, every time he gets drunk he goes home and blows chunks."

The bar tender smiles and says "Oh alright, but that's normal." "No...umm.." the lady explains, "chunks is our dog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunting

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound.

When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet anymore!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly ladies

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

[worldangel]

Joke: At checkout counter

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her agitated state of mind and angry demeanor, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have, you'll be home in no time."

[worldangel]

Joke: The pirate

A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers.

In fact, it looks like he's got his dick stuck through the center of it. The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your dick stuck in a steering wheel!"

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know; drives me nuts!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pickpocket

In a courtroom, a pickpocket is on trial and the victim is stating what happened.

She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere."

At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bachelor & Married man

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

[worldangel]

Joke: Judge in small city

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rich and Poor guy

There was a rich guy and a poor guy sitting together in a bar. The poor guy says "Well I must be going because I don't have that much money so I must go" (he stands, ready to leave)

The rich guy says "No, sit down and I will buy you more drinks."

Poor guy: "Alright, but just one more, I really have to be getting home. It is my wife and I's anniversary"

Rich guy: "Really? My wife and I's anniversary was last week!"

Poor guy: "what did you get her?"

Rich guy: "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes"

Poor guy: "what made you decide to get her those?"

Rich guy: "Oh, I figured that if she didn't like the diamond ring, she could drive it back to the jewelers. So, what did you get your wife?"

Poor guy: "I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo"

Rich guy: "What made you decide to get her those?"

Poor guy: I figured that if she didn't like the flip-flops, she could go fuck herself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma & the girl

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

Granny fainted

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting married

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting married

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wanna have a good time?

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

.

[worldangel]

Joke: Late for work

]

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Seven Most Important Men

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

[clementi]

Joke: Sex and athletics

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops,gotta run!"

[clementi]

Joke: Flagpole

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

[clementi]

Joke: Big family members

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

[clementi]

Joke: Letter to principal

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Please forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

"Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior

Citizens Luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna Walters"

[clementi]

Joke: Blind date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[clementi]

Joke: Twin alligators

There once was a set of twin alligators that grew up in the same bayou. One, however, was much larger and stronger than the other.

One day the twins were sitting there talking, and trying to figure out why one was so much bigger - since they were the same age, had the same genes, and grew up in the same place. The bigger alligator asked his smaller brother where he had been feeding.

The smaller said, "Down in that parking lot at the end of the bayou, why?"

The bigger said, "Well, that’s where I feed too, what's your technique?"

The smaller then looked at him and said, "Well, I go over to one of those lawyers cars, and hide up under it, when he comes out, I grab him, shake the shit out of him, and then eat him."

The larger then exclaimed, "That's it! by the time you shake the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but the briefcase!"

[clementi]

Joke: The Surgery

A brain surgeon told a patient “you have a growing mass in your brain, it needs to be tended to immediately or it will kill you"

The patient agreed to surgery the very next day.

Immediately after opening the skull the surgeon took a biopsy of the ugly growing mass and gave it to the surgical nurse with instructions to rush it to the lab and have it analyzed.

After a few minutes the nurse returned with the results and stood silently and grimly in front of the surgeon…. The surgeon finally asked…."WELL IS IT MALIGNANT?"

The nurse replied…" I'm afraid it’s worse" …

" WORSE", the surgeon barked, "WHAT CAN BE WORSE THAN MALIGNANT?"

The nurse bowed her head and replied solemnly, "it's Liberal Progressive"…!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly patient

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[worldangel]

Joke: Going all night

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Different ages

What's the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58?

08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.

38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer.

He whispered, eyes full of tears: "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?", she gently asked.

"I think you are bad luck", he said

[worldangel]

Joke: Virgin brides

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways".

Mom fainted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Poor old lady

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon".

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home! The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.

The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes," was his reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".

[worldangel]

Joke: A glass of milk

A guy went on a date with a girl and it went so well that they ended up back at HER place.

They went up stairs and they started having sex, after giving it to her 5 times the guy's bellend was red raw so when she was sleeping he went downstairs to find some vaseline but couldn't find any.

Then he saw a glass of milk sitting on the table so he dunked his bellend and the rest of his bollocks in the glass, the girl came downstairs behind him, saw him dunk his balls in the milk and said " oh, so that's how you refill it "

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 women in a bar

3 women are sitting in a bar discussing the size of their pussies. The first woman says; "mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit his whole fist in there!"

The second woman replies with; "that's nothing. mine's so big that my boyfriend can fit both fists up there".

The third woman smiles to herself as she slides down the bar stool.

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty four little hours

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news and some very bad news."

The patient, resigned to his fate, says, "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

"The lab called with your test results," the doctor began. "Unfortunately, you've got a rare condition and they said you have 24 hours to live."

"24 Hours!?" exclaimed the patient. "That’s terrible! What could be worse than that? What's the very bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 Cents

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great! the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents”

“Everybody!” replied the wife.

[worldangel]

Joke: Practicing art

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Urgent call

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

[worldangel]

Joke: Start running

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.

The brother said "What should we do?"

The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."

The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"

The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

[worldangel]

Joke: Too big

This guy died with an erection. It was too big for the mortician to put him in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his ass.

The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead husband's eye. She bent over and said, "I told you it hurts you fucking bastard."

[worldangel]

Joke: Breathalyzer test

A police officer was making his daily round. Suddenly, a red corvet passed by him at a 100 m/h. He went after the car and stopped it. As he walked towards the car's window, he noticed that the driver was a gorgeous blond.

He went to her and asked for her driver's licence and registration papers. The women kinda looked confused, but after emptying her bag, she handed the papers to the officer.

He walked backed to his car and checked with another officer about the car's license plate. The other man asked him if the driver was a gorgeous blond. The first officer said yes.

The second one then told him to go back to the corvet and pull down his pants. Without arguing, he went back to the girl and pulled down his pants. The girl than replied: "Ah! Not another breathalyzer test!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiding the pets

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says "NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"

Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan "what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"

"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"

"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt" "but what about the smell?" the woman asks.

To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Slack or not?

Three girls are sitting on stools at a bar. The 3 of them are arguing on who is the slackest.

The first one says: "My boyfriend can put his whole fist in my pussy!!!" The second one says: "Oh ya? Well my boyfriend can put his whole head in my pussy!"

The two of them then look at the third one, waiting for her to reply. She then looks at them and says: "Oops! There goes the stool!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Mixed up words

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need to see the upturn, please."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

[worldangel]

Joke: Money for the dead

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer and minister together around his bedside.

"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me you throw the envelopes in."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right, I am going to confess, I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000."

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra side effects

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich?Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

[clementi]

Joke:The eagle story

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse.

After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot.."

The eagle says "what do you want?"

The mouse asks how high up they are.

The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft."

The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??"