Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: What is kitty?

 

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

 

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

 

“How did you know that?” his mother asked.

 

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kangaroo fence

 

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.

 

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

 

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog who played baseball

 

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.

 

“That’s incredible!” he exclaimed to the man next to him.

 

“Yes,” he said, “but he’s a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The redhead

 

A young Redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

“Impossible”, says the doctor. “Show me.”

 

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

 

The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“No, ” she says, ” I’m actually a Blonde.”

 

“I thought so, the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who is the most obedient?

 

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

 

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

 

“Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:New to baseball

 

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.

 

“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”

“Really? How’d you do that?”

 

“I dropped the ball.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Juvenile delinquency

 

A policeman brought four boys before a judge.

 

“They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor,” he said.

 

“Boys,” said the judge sternly, “I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.

Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong.”

 

“My name is George,” said the first boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

“My name is Pete,” said the second boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

 

“My name is Mike,” said the third boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”

“My name is Peanuts,” said the fourth boy.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad landing

 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”

 

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

 

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

 

“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”

“Did we land or were we shot down?”

[worldangel]

Joke:Anger versus exasperation

 

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

 

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

 

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

 

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

 

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

 

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

 

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Emergency call

 

Dad’s pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him–lights flashing.

 

Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

 

Within seconds, came the police officer’s hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.

[worldangel]

Joke:Concert

 

My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie is fans of 60′s music. They recently got front- row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.

 

When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert.

 

My daughter says, “Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Canine complex

 

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.

 

“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”

 

“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”

 

“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Haircut request

 

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

 

“Make it short,” the customer replied, “with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear.”

 

The barber looked puzzled and said, “I don’t think I can do that.”

 

The customer replied, “I don’t know why not–that’s the way you cut it the last time I was here!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car shopping

 

A lovely lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

 

 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone had noticed her little accident. She turns back, and there, standing next to her, is a salesman. 

"Good day, Ma'am. How may we help you today?" 

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely 
vehicle?" 

He answers, "Ma'am, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price." 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Dream Genie

 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

 

His horse has already died of thirst. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

 

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, cowboy,” says the genie.. “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

 

“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

 

 

********POOF******

 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.

 

*******POOF*******

 

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

 

******POOF******

 

He is turned into a tampon.

 

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two lions

 

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

 

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

 

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

 

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

 

When the 6 o’clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

[clementi]

Joke: Deserted island

 

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

 

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.

 

“This is wonderful! Now we’ll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

 

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: “Hey, no screwing!”

 

They look at each other and yell back: “We’re not screwing!”

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: “Heeey, no screwing!”

Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

 

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above:
“Hey, I said no screwing!!”

 

They yell back, “And we said we’re not screwing!!”

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:

“Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Lack of tact

 

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. 

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." 

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. 

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." 

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[clementi]

Joke: Out of jail

 

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."

 

So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' 

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' 

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. 

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Drinking & driving

 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar, up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" 

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label, and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." 

"What fer?" asked Bubba. 

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. 

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?" 

"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: At lodge hunting club

 

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being

introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

 

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

 

"Well," he began,"I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell

asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a

noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this,   

 

ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I tell you, I just shit my pants."

 

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame

you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No,no, not then, just now when I said

 

'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"

Edited January 27, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: At clinic

 

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's clinic. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample."

 

So the couple comes back a few days later.They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I wasafraid of this."

 

The old man says, "No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my lefthand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand.

 

She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

[clementi]

Joke: Chutzpah

 

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

 

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

 

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

 

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

 

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

 

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

 

[clementi]

Joke: You Can Never Really Go Back

 

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were

sitting at thebreakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,we've been married for 50 years."

 

"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sittinghere at this breakfasttable together."

 

"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as

Jay birds fifty years ago this morning."

 

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Where upon the

two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

 

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for younow as they were fifty years ago."

 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and

the other one's in your oatmeal!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stranded

 

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

 

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Bridal suite

 

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel.

 

On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel’s bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. “There must be some mistake,” Woody said. “This looks like the bridal suite.”

 

“It’s okay,” the bell captain reassured him. “If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn’t mean you have to dance.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Three-legged chicken

 

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn’t catch up to the accelerating chicken.

 

Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

 

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, “Three-legged chickens? That’s astonishing!”

 

The farmer replied, “Yep. I bred ‘em that way because I love drumsticks.”

Juan was curious. “How does a three-legged chicken taste?”

The farmer smiled. “Dunno. Haven’t been able to catch one yet.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: School zone

 

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

 

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

 

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Camping

 

Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

 

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction – moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day).

 

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.

 

“That was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?”

“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Perplexing riddle

 

“It’s time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class. “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I’m saying. I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”

 

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

 

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. “That’s a good one,” he said to himself. “I’ll have to try that on Mom and Dad.”

 

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. “I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have,” he said. “But this person isn’t my brother and isn’t my sister. Who is it?”

 

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, “I give up. Who is it?”

“It’s my teacher!” Jeffrey said.

[worldangel]

Joke: Reverse polygamy

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

 

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

 

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

 

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

[worldangel]

Joke:Lost in desert

 

There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

 

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

 

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”

 

The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”

 

So, he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, Thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting.

 

Feeling really brave, the man say, “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God” and the horse just literally takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”

 

Finally he remembers, “AMEN!!”

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

 

The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.

[worldangel]

Joke:What do I look like?

 

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, “Honey, look at the walls. They haven’t been painted as long as we have lived here. It’s peeling and cracking; couldn’t you please just paint them?”

 

“Who do I look like? Michelangelo?” the man replies.

“I guess not”, says the wife.

 

The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. “Oh sugar, couldn’t you just please at least repair the stairs? They’re falling apart and they’re really unsafe to walk up.”

 

The man says, “Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?”

“Well, maybe not,” says the wife.

 

The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. “Honey…..How did you do this? It looks great!” he says. “Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him” says the wife.

 

“Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?”

The wife replies, “Who do I look like, Sara Lee?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Shoe repair

 

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

 

“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

“Not very likely,” his wife said.

“It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

 

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”

 

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”

“No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”

 

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

“They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:On trial

 

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

 

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

 

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Check-out mate

 

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

 

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

 

“But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Mailbox

 

A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mail- box sat on, but to save the beloved old box.

 

I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window…

 

“I tried that,” he said, “but the bills just keep on coming.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: For crying out loud

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

 

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

 

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

 

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

 

Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries!” she told them.

 

“When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because, I forgot where I put it.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Child birth

 

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.

 

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, “I’ve got the head now; just a few more minutes.”

 

“Is it a girl or boy?” I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, “I don’t know. It’s hard to tell by the ears.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Postcard

 

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, “Sir, I’m sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can’t even hold a pen.”

 

“Certainly, sir,” said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

 

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you just add, ‘PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?’”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Hospital sign

 

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ mess saying:

 

“Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

 

Underneath, a nurse had written:

“The last five are pretty risky, too.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Remote control

 

The cashier asked me, “Cash, check or charge?” after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

 

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” she asked.

 

“No,” I replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Attractive woman

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. 

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. 
"Actually, no" he replies. 

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. 
"Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" 

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

[worldangel]

Joke: Indecent proposal

 

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. 
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me have sex with you for a dollar?" 

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. 
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me have sex with you for a million dollars?" 

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper. 
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me have sex with you for five dollars?" 

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" 
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Faith Healer

 

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. 

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." 

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." 

"You must tell me what you did." 

"I went to a faith healer." 

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." 

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rich Hooker

 

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida. 

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?" 

The hooker replied "100 Bucks" 

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money" 

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs." 

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had. 

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?" 

She said "200 dollars" 

"200 dollars that's a lot of money" 

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs." 

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life 

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package." 

"1000 dollars' 

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money" 

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a Vagina."

[worldangel]

Joke: Covering shoe

 

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. 

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. 

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. 

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. 

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. 

"Go and get help!" he cried. 

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" 

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." 

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" 

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One missing girl

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. 

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. 
"Actually, no" he replies. 

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. 

"I’m afraid I can’t" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" 
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

[worldangel]

Joke: Weight issues

 

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." 

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." 

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. 

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[worldangel]

Joke: One shot

 

Two buddies are hunting in the woods when one says to the other, "Hey, i can see your house from here...and, wait! Your wife is in her room with some other guy." 

The other says: "Alright, shoot her in the head, and shoot him in the privates." 

The buddy replies: "Easy. I can make that in one shot."