Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

" One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door

pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'

[worldangel]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded

[worldangel]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off,

and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,

"What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[worldangel]

A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,

her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t ever think about it.

She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

:swear:

[worldangel]

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists,

and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits.

Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, 'Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are.'

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were.

Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, 'Hey, can you tell us where we are?' The man on the ground yelled back,

'You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air.'

George Called down to the man, 'You must be a lawyer.'

'Gee, George,' Lenny replied, 'How can you tell?'

George answered, 'Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless'.

The man called back up to the balloon, 'You must be a client.'

George yelled back, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well,' the man replied, 'you don't know where you are, or where you are going.

You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted.

You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.'

Edited May 29, 2008 by worldangel

[worldangel]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

:whistle:

[worldangel]

After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance.

He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related.

"How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming voice the pirate replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand." In a booming voice the pirate replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your eye." In a booming voice the pirate replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: I WAS LAYING ON THE DECK ONE BALMY DAY CATCHING SOME RAYS WHEN THIS *%#@* SEAGULL FLEW BY AND DROPPED HIS DUTY RIGHT IN ME EYE!"

"Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"

"IT WERE THE FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK!"

[worldangel]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS."

[worldangel]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.

'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.

Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." :whistle:

[worldangel]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... :whistle:

[worldangel]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary.

I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes.

I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas.

I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator.

I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

[worldangel]

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

[worldangel]

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!

I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George.

She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom,

so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George.

I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained.

"Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

:whistle:

[worldangel]

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

[worldangel]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[worldangel]

An woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?"

The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.

"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken.

The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."

[worldangel]

Last Wednesday night I was sitting in my room watching television, when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around ten."

There was a confused silence on the other end.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. So I replied, "Yes, it is. D'you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at ten."

A shocked voice now, "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded, "Who the hell is Jennifer?!"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at ten. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I want him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

CLICK :whistle:

[worldangel]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years.

Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.

'God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven.

God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms.

If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.'

And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.

God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'

[worldangel]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

"I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said,

"I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.

But Randy didn't stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy."

"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"

[worldangel]

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.

"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.

He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

[worldangel]

My friend and his wife stayed in a hotel and got a bill for ninety bucks.

He screamed, "Ninety dollars?, for what?"

The desk clerk said, "For room and board Sir."

My friend said, "Room and board? We didn't eat here."

The clerk said, "It was here for you. If you didn't get it, it's your fault."

My friend said, "You take forty dollars. I'm charging you fifty dollars for fooling around with my wife."

The clerk said, "I never touched your wife!"

My friend said, "It was there for you."

[worldangel]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

[worldangel]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!" :whistle:

[worldangel]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[worldangel]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.

He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,

put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

[worldangel]

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

[worldangel]

An architect, an artist and a research scientist were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The scientist said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

Scientist: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the Lab and get some work done."

[worldangel]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge, "said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge.

[worldangel]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

[worldangel]

A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life savers.

First she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "cherry!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, "peppermint?"

"Excellent," said the teacher.

Finally she gave them honey- flavored brown ones. They tasted the life saver, but could not name the flavor.

"I'll give you a clue. It's something that your mommy calls your daddy" said the teacher.

Suddenly, Dirty Ernie shouted, "Quick ,spit them out ! They're ass holes!"

[worldangel]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[worldangel]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.

Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now.

You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

[oralb]

有一天小新問爸爸 : 【生氣】[憤怒】、

【抓狂】以及【哭笑不得】

有什 麼不同 ?

爸爸說 :「我做個實驗給你看，就容易懂了。」

於是他開翻電話簿，隨便找一個姓林的電話號碼，

便撥了電話過去，電話接通爸爸按擴音鍵讓小新聽清楚

爸爸 : 「請問史特龍在嗎 ? 」

對方 : 「你打錯了 ! 」

爸爸 : 「少來了，史特龍在嗎 ? 」

對方 : 「跟你說你打錯了 !」說著就把電話掛了。

之後，爸爸立刻又打電話過去 -

爸爸 : 「請問史特龍在嗎 ? 」

對方 : 「誰啦 ! 你打錯了。」

爸爸 : 「請問史特龍在嗎 ? 」

對方 : 「媽的，神經病。」又把電話掛了。

爸爸馬上又撥了一通

爸爸 : 「請問史特龍在嗎 ? 」

對方 : 「你到底是誰 ? 少無聊了 ! 」

爸爸 : 「我是布魯斯威利，我要找史特龍」

對方 : 「白癡啊，我還阿諾史瓦辛格咧 !你去死好了 ! 」

說完，就把電話甩上。

爸爸告訴小新 :「這就是生氣。接下來，讓你看看，什麼叫憤怒吧 ! 」

爸爸又撥一通電話過去

爸爸 : 「請問史特龍在嗎 ? 」

對方 : 「你欠扁是不是 ?

要找史特龍打去美國啦 ! 媽的，要是再打來，給我試試看」

說完就更用力的甩上電話。

爸爸告訴小新 :「這就憤怒。接下來，讓你看看什麼叫抓狂吧 ! 」

接著，爸爸又撥了一通電話，這次隔了一段時間才有人接，

電話一接通 對方 : 「他媽的 !去你老母」正當他破口大罵的同時

爸爸 : 「請問，是林公館嗎 ? 」

對方 : 「喔，真是很抱歉 !因為剛有人惡作劇，我不是故意要罵你的」

爸爸 : 「沒關係，請問史特龍在嗎 ? 」

對方 : 「哇 !你娘卡好」這次沒等他罵完，爸爸就把電話掛了。

「這就是抓狂」爸爸告訴小新：「你懂了嗎 ?

「嗯 ! 」小新點點頭 : 「但 -什麼是【哭笑不得】呢 ? 」

爸爸笑了笑，又打了同一個號碼，對方快速接起電話

對方 : 「喂 ! 你是他媽的存心要找麻煩嗎 ?

爸爸 :「我是史特龍，請問剛剛有沒有電話找我 .......

[worldangel]

There were three boys all in third grade: a short boy, a tall boy and a redneck.

They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the short boy got an idea.

"I know," he said, "we can play, ‘Who's Got the Biggest wee wee’".

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the tall boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside.

"Alright," said the short boy, "Lets play."

The short boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest wee wee wins 5 dollars from the others.

And so the short boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed.

Then the tall boy pulled down his pants. His wee wee was about the same size as the short boy's.

As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest wee wee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

[worldangel]

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty".

He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."

The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!" :whistle:

[worldangel]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar.

He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink.

The bartender says "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian".

The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says "that's ok. I'd like to buy her a drink anyway."

So the bartender brings the woman her drink.

The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks.

The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman.

As he's sitting down on the stool next to her he says, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

[worldangel]

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing.

"That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises.

"Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full."

[worldangel]

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop while looking around,

he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.

He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, and places his penis on the counter.

"What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"

He replied, "I know it is. And I would like 2 hands and a face put on THIS!"

[worldangel]

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep

without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!" :swear:

[worldangel]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant.

Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said,

"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze.

After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.

To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.

The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!" :swear:

[worldangel]

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out,

I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).

There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins,

my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things.

While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom.

Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"

The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."

To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."

And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones.

[clementi]

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to his Doctor's office. "Doctor Kaine, there are dogs all over my neighborhood.

They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you Howard," Doctor Kaine said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later Howard, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said Dr. Kaine, shaking her head.

"Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[worldangel]

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said,

"Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "then you must have some job,

because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour." :swear:

[worldangel]

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life,

not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant

and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant replies, "Sure, he does.

I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

[worldangel]

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue.

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen.

Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area.

Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The inspector noticed a string hanging from the cooks fly and asked "What is the string for?"

The cook replied, "When I go to the bathroom, I do not have to touch it, I just pull it out with the string."

"Oh how neat," replied the inspector, "how do you get it back in?"

The cook responded "With the salad tongs."

[worldangel]

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.

"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."

"Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?" :swear:

[worldangel]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932.

The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[worldangel]

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know.

I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this.

You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision.

I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?"

[Kahlua]

Hi folks,

Some clips from you tube to bring abit of laughs and warmth into our lives. Simply amazing, all creatures great and small. Marvelous!!

Talking Cats and Dogs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxZabf3u89s

Pet Star- Eintstien the Genius Bird

Have a great one!

Ben

[Obi Yan]

OMG! I love Einstein.