Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Stupid boyfriend

 

A redneck father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it." 

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vacation advice

 

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

 

The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant.

 

Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"

 

Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

[worldangel]

Joke:Jigsaw Puzzle

 

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ‘em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

 

The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”

 

One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ’2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk at confessional

 

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

 

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

 

Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno.” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor visit

 

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.

 

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba & Bobby Joe

 

Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe, “Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow.”

 

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, “Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah toleya?”

 

His friend replied, “Shore nuff, I put a big ole ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”

“You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don’t get that same boat today?!”

[worldangel]

Joke:To do list

 

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

 

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

 

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Parachute jump

 

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

 

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

 

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

[worldangel]

Joke:Astrology

 

First thing – every single morning – one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone’s horoscope aloud.

 

“Gwen,” said our boss finally, “you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?”

 

“Of course not,” Gwen answered. “You know how skeptical we Capricorns are.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Wisdom of age

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

 

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. ” I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

 

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Butcher shop

 

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher’s counter. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

 

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”

 

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs!”

Edited January 29, 2015 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Counselling

 

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”

 

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”

 

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

 

“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.

 

“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.”

“But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.

“Yes.” The man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me any- more!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Hotel guest

 

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.

 

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?”

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.

 

“Certainly, madam,” he replied.

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

 

“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

 

“Morning madam…sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.

“Food to your liking?”

 

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.

 

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.

“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

 

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Lucky saucer

 

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

 

The store  owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.” The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you 20 dollars for that cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

 

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.” The owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Mary Lou

 

Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. “Ow!” Larry exclaimed.

 

“What was that for?” “I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!” “Calm down, honey,” Larry said. “I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on.”

 

Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work. “What the heck was that for?” he demanded. “Your dog just called.”
 

[clementi]

Joke: Nuclear power

 

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

 

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

 

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

 

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The race …

 

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

 

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

 

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

 

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How fast?

 

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

 

The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”

 

The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”

 

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:In uniform

 

My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.

 

While in line at the check-out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute.

 

The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced,” LOOK , MOM, A GIANT BOY SCOUT.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bridal registry

 

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, “I think she’s too young to get married.”

 

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Because,” she said, “they registered for Nintendo games.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Magician

 

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

 

“He’s a magician, Ma’am” said the new boy.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

 

“Gosh! Now, next question.Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: House shopping

 

My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”

 

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”

Dad replied “Maybe.”

 

Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Special pig

 

A man is walking along an old country road and stops when he sees a farmer in an apple orchard. He gets a little closer and sees the farmer throwing apples down to a three legged pig.

 

The man came closer and asked the farmer ”Wow, thats some pig ya got there. Why does he have only three legs?”

 

The farmer answered ”Well, This pig saved me and my wife from a terrible fire. A lantern in our barn fell over and ignited the hay in the loft. The pig ran out from the barn, got into the house and woke me and my wife just in time.”

The man looked at the farmer and said ”Well, thats a real special pig, but you never told me how he lost his leg.”

 

The farmer answered ”Well, as I said this is a real special pig and with a pig this special, you can’t eat it all at once!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage promise

 

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

 

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Noise

 

 

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

 

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

 

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: The nurse

 

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn’t believe it:

 

The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

 

“MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!”

 

“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they’re through using it!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 31 days

 

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

 

“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”

 

The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.

“Yeah, except today is the last night,” he muttered.

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychic Hotline

 

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, ”You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

 

The frog says, ”This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”

 

”No,” says the psychic. ”Next semester in her biology class.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Street name?

 

“I’d like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia,” the young man said to the 411 operator.

 

“There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia,” the operator said. “Do you have a street name?”

 

The young man hesitated a moment, “Well, uh, most people call me Bubba.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret to success

 

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

 

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Bill Gates.”

 

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange

 

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

 

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

 

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”

 

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ladies restroom

 

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?” He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?”

 

She replies, “I don’t know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.”

 

She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking “I’m in!!!” She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods…yes. “Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Do not drink

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

 

After a few more he needs to go to the toilet. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”.

 

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baggage

 

My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.

 

“The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don’t want to put up with it,” she explained.

 

Taking her mother’s hand in hers, my friend’s daughter said sweetly, “I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you’re not exactly carry-on yourself.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Water pump

 

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. “A what?” says the confused parts guy. “My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump.”

“A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?”

“A Datsun.”

 

As the parts guy writes down “Datsun, 28 oz. water pump” the light in his head goes on. “Oh yes ma’am. We’ve got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too.”

 

“Finally,” she says. “You’re the first place I’ve called that knew what I was talking about.” “Yes ma’am.

That’s because we’re a full-service parts warehouse; it’s our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump,” he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number…

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car theft

 

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

 

She didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

 

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

 

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

 

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

 

He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.”

 

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”

 

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tootbrush sales

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

 

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “my sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

 

Little Sally was next, “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.”

“Very good, Sally,” said the teacher.

 

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467″ he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

 

“Toothbrushes?” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?”

 

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

 

They all said, “This tastes like MUD!” Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

 

[clementi]

Joke:Squeezing lemons

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

 

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

 

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

[clementi]

Joke: Tommy and Math

 

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

 

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn’t kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

 

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.

 

With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. “Well then,” she replies, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?”

 

Little Tommy looks at her and says, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

[clementi]

Joke:Best friends

 

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

 

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. “Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

 

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.” Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

 

“Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained. “And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

 

“It’s a very “old” bottle now, you know,” urged Pat. “And what are you gettin’ at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

 

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

 

[clementi]

Joke: Rectum deodorant

 

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

 

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don’t sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

 

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry”, says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

 

“Do you have the container it comes in?” asks the pharmacist

“YES!”, said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”

 

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

“TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”

[clementi]

Joke: Anaesthesia

 

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, his wife was sitting at his bedside.

 

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”

 

“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” she asked him.

“The drugs are wearing off” he replied

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Engine trouble

 

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

 

Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.” An hour later the pilot announced: “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry, we still have one engine left.”

 

The blonde in seat 17A turned to the man next to her and said, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Smoking dope

 

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.

 

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

 

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew 2 circles like this – O o …and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

 

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, (to the 2nd boy) how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!”

 

“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws 2 circles)… I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison . . .”

[clementi]

Joke: Third wish

 

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

“And what will your third wish be?”

 

The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

 

“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

 

“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

 

“Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A pure wife

 

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a suitable woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks “What’s this?”

 

She replies “A cock.”

He decides that she is obviously not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.

She replies “A cock”.

 

He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won’t go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, “What is this?”

She giggles and says “A pee-pee” He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

 

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says “That’s your pee-pee.” He finally breaks down and says “Look this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.”

She laughs and says “No it’s not silly, a cock is 12 inches long and black.”

[clementi]

Joke: Balls has turned blue

 

I think I have a problem, Doc,” says a patient. “One of my balls has turned blue.”

 

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn’t have his testicle removed.

“Are you crazy?!” bursts the patient. “How could I let you do such a thing to me!”

 

“You want to die?” asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. “Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too.”

 

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.

“Hey, you want to die?” asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

 

After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, “I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue.”

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

“You want to die?” asks the doctor.

“But…how do I pee?”

 

“We’ll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem.”

So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor’s office again.

He is very angry.

 

“Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!”

“What?”

“Can you tell me what the hell is happening??”

 

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, “Hmmm, I don’t know. Could it be the jeans?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Patient will live

 

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient’s condition. “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.”

 

The doctor then began listing orders:

 

“You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

 

“Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

 

“Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well.”

 

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient’s room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, “The doctor said that you will live.” Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, “But you will have to learn a new sport.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Patient will live

 

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient’s condition. “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.” The doctor then began listing orders:

“You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

 

“Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

 

“Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well.”

 

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient’s room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, “The doctor said that you will live.” Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, “But you will have to learn a new sport.”

\

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: And the fairy said …

 

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

 

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

 

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”