Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Ole & Clarence

 

Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn’t like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

 

Ole would yell to Clarence, “If I had a vay to cross dis river, I’d come over derean beat you up good, yeah sure yabetcha by golly!”

 

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole’s wife, Lena, says, “Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don’t you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?”

 

Ole says, “OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yustdat” Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.

Lena asked, “vhy did you come back?”

 

Ole said, “Lena, I tink I change my mind ’bout beatin’ up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says “Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in.” You know, he don’t look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Whiskey

 

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

 

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

 

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

 

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dumb

 

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”

 

The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”

The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don’t know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I’m there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”

 

The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”

Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

 

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I’ve ever heard it.”

 

Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn’t tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Shark

 

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

 

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

 

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

 

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

 

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bride kidnapped

 

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

 

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn’t been home for so long.

 

She replied:

“These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.”

 

The husband answered:

“But it’s only been two days what do you mean a week?”

“I am just here to get something to eat.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Stomach cramping

 

On my way up the sidewalk to a girl’s house, I was taking out for the first time, I felt my stomach cramping.

 

I knew that it was imminent that I would have to take a dump very soon. I rang the doorbell, said hello, went through the introductions with her parents and so-forth. I resisted as long as I could, but knew I had to go before leaving with their daughter on the date.

 

I asked to use the restroom, and was directed down the hall. I went in and took a dump. No problem right? Well, when I flushed – you guessed it – the toilet began overflowing faster than I could find a solution.

With water and lots of crap flowing out of the toilet, all over the bathroom floor, and heading towards the door, I ran from the bathroom. I sped to the living room where Dad, Mom, and my date were waiting.

 

I was in obvious panic yelling “the toilet’s overflowing, what do I do?” At that point the father rushed to the bathroom, with Mom, date, and me following. Her Dad ran into the bathroom, and slipped of his feet onto the floor covered with water and quite a bit of my crap.

 

When he got up, he had a log stuck to his back. Believe it or not, I still took their daughter out that night (without sticking around to help clean) and we ended up dating for six years.

[worldangel]

Joke: How many were there?

 

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?”

 

The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead.

 

Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine, “

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mummy

 

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

Father : No. Why do you ask that?

Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Claws for alarm

 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

 

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

 

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

 

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three knots

 

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. He asks, “How am I doing?”

 

The prostitute replies, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”

 

“Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Water in carburetor

 

My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

 

I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, “You know, I don’t mean this offensively, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”

 

“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor,” she insisted.

“OK Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”

 

“In the lake.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Brain change

 

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.”You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.”

 

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. “Is the brain of a politician that much better?” he asked.

 

The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it’s not better, just unused.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Idiot sightings

 

I work at a large retail chain in Columbus at the customer service desk.

 

 

On day I had a man call and ask where the store was located, so I told him.

 

Then he asked me to spell the street name, so I did. He said he was unfamiliar with the area and asked for directions. I asked him where he was coming from.

 

 

He responded, “from my house”. Can you believe it!!!!

 

[clementi]

Joke: Go to heaven

 

Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven.

 

They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hefner, “You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of Heaven, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity.”

 

Hef decides that this will be easy, for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following close behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans closer to Hef and whispers in his ear . . . “Tits”

 

A trap door opens and Hef falls down into Hell.

 

St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, “You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks and provocative behavior. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of Heaven, you must walk down that tunnel without having even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth for all eternity.”

 

Heather begins her trek down the tunnel with St. Peter close behind. About half way down St. Peter leans closer to Heather to whisper in her ear.

 

A trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Old amish remedy

 

A man breaks down in the middle of Pennsylvania Dutch country on a cold January day. After a few minutes an Amish man in a horse-pulled buggy pulls up and asks if he needs a ride into town. The man accepts and climbs up into the buggy.

 

After a few miles, the Amish man stands up and leans forward. He lifts the horses tail, rubs its ass with his finger and then rubs all around his own mouth.

 

The passenger is both amazed and revolted at what he’s just witnessed but decides to remain quiet.

This happens twice more during the trip to town. Each time the Amish man rubs his finger over the horse’s sweaty ass and then rubs around his own mouth.

 

By the time they reach town, the guy’s curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the Amish man to explain what’s been going on.

“I have chapped lips”, the Amish man replied.

 

“Oh I see” said the man, “Is that an old Amish remedy?”

“No, but it sure keeps you from licking your lips!!”

[clementi]

Joke:Lips on the mirror

 

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

 

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

 

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

 

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

 

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Nothing to do with you

 

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

 

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, “Would you mind not doing that? It’s disgusting to watch.”.

 

“Listen, love.” He replied, “It’s got nothing to do with you, I’ve paid my fare for this journey and I’ll do what I damn well want on this train.” He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

 

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, “Could you stop that noise, can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?”

 

“It’s got nothing to do with you,” replies the old woman, “I’ve paid my fare and I’ll do what I want on this train.”

At that, the man grabbed the woman’s knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

 

The man burst out laughing and said, “Ha ha, you’ll get fined $200 for that!”

To which the old woman replied, “And you’ll get six years when the police smell your fingers”.

 

[clementi]

Joke:The success of woman

 

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

 

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”.
Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? ”

 

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

 

“We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”.

 

She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said “This is your second time” and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

 

I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” ..

She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”.”

 

Husband:”That’s it. We are happy ever after. “

[clementi]

Joke: Pay for the food

 

There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

 

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant’s kitchen.

 

One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”

 

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, “You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

 

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

 

The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn’t say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

 

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

[clementi]

Joke: Harassing parrot

 

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. 

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. 

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said. 

"Yes?" 

"You know."

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:The box top kid

 

15 years ago, when I was in college, my roommate and I did a lot of drinking and partying. One night we had been drinking way too much and we ended up at my boyfriend’s house, where we spent the night.

The next morning his roommate, Joe, had this big grin on his face and said: “I’ll just call you ‘The Box Top Kid’ from now on.” He was a big jokester, so I laughed and asked what he was talking about.

 

He explained that during the previous night he and some friends had been playing cards, when I had come out of the bedroom – completely wasted – and squatted on a box a little to the right of the bathroom door, and peed in it.

 

I peed in a box in plain view of the kitchen table, where everyone had been playing cards!!! This guy was always pulling jokes on people and I figured he was just kidding around with me… until about 3 weeks later.

 

I was in class when a girl came up to me and said: “Hey, I know you from Joe’s house, where we had that poker game. Man, you were soooo drunk that night!” and then she went on to tell me how she was really embarrassed for me! Needless to say she wasn’t nearly as embarrassed as I was! To this day my college roommate laughs about this story, but I’ve got a few good ones about her, too!!!

 

[clementi]

Joke:Like the guys

 

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.

 

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other,

“I’ve always wanted to be like the guys, and pee off a bridge.”

The other woman looks around and says,

“Well, I don’t see anyone around, now’s your chance!”

 

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to pee, she looks over her shoulder.

“Holly shit!” she exclaims, “I just pissed in a canoe!”

 

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks down at the stream below. “Calm down,” she says. “That wasn’t a canoe you pissed in, it was just your reflection.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Book with no story

 

A blond puts a book on the librarian’s desk and says, “This book has no story and way too many characters.”

 

The librarian says, “So that’s where the phone book went.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor assistant

 

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Ole, I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

 

“Yes, sir!” answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Ole, how was your day?”

 

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”

 

“Bravo, Mate, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,” says Ole.

 

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

 

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, “HELP ME – I haven’t seen a man in over two years !! ”

 

“Ole, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes!!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Sex therapist

 

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

“Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.

 

“The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet,” counselled the therapist.

 

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

 

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read,

“With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Steve’s a jerk

 

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

 

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked ”Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?”

 

Her response was, ”The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . “

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Attitude

 

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." 

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your trousers," she said. 

"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." 

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." 

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I can’t get into your panties!" 

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Unpredictable

 

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They 
walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a 
peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't 
mind but I really do need to pee." 

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go 
behind this hedge." 

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can
hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and 
imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a 
moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. 
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with 
great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage 
hanging between her legs. 

He shouts in horror, "My goodness ... have you changed your sex?" 

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Pregnancy advice

 

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea 

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 

'Actually, yes, I do.' 

'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 

'No. I rather like it.' 

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' 

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?

[worldangel]

Joke:Coincidence

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! " 

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." 

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. 

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" 

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" 

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." 

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" 

"I switched cocks," he replied. 

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Exhausted wife

 

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

“Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.

“Oh, I still love him,” she replied, “but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”

 

“Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

 

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.

“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”

“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

 

“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Trembling little old lady

 

One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn’t help but notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his grandmother did.

 

“Young m-m-m-man?” she stammered to the clerk, “Do you sell v- v-vibrators here?”

 

“Yes ma’am, we do,” he replied, a little embarrassed.

“B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?” asked the old lady.

“Yes ma’am, we have some like that.”

 

“The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?”

“Yes ma’am, we’ve got just about any size you’d want,” said the young clerk.

“The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?”

“Yes ma’am we carry some like that.”

 

“Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn it off?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Experimental pills

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. 

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that. 

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. 

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table." 

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill 
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." 

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bagels with cream cheese

A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

“Gee, mommy,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”

“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”

[worldangel]

Joke:A flower show

 

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said,

“Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”

 

“You’re on!” said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

 

His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“Wow, what happened?” asked his friend.

 

“It was great!” he said, “I won first prize for dried arrangement!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency appointment

 

A lady called her gynaecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. 

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. 

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynaecologist to please examine her vagina. 

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation." 

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to make love

 

Older brother, Joe, was giving advice to his younger brother, Kevin, on how to make love to a woman.

 

“You need to start off slowly” explained Joe, “build up the tempo, then slow it back down again, then mix it up a little – fast then slow.”

Kevin seems a little unsure, so Joe shares a technique he uses to keep focused.

 

“When you’re having sex, imagine that you have a pocket full of change. Start out slow and gentle and think of a nickel. Increase the tempo and think of a dime. Step it up a bit more and think of a quarter. Then, as you really build up, think of a dollar. Finally, drop back to a nickel again and repeat the whole thing. You’ll drive any woman wild with desire.”

 

Shorty after this, Kevin finds himself about to have his first sexual encounter and he decides to use the advice his brother gave him.

 

He starts out real slow and in his mind he’s thinking,

“nickel . . . . nickel . . . . nickel . . . . nickel
dime . . . dime . . . dime
quarter..quarter
dollar
BUCK FORTY! – BUCK FORTY! – BUCK FORTY!!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Self examination

 

A medical professor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast and testicles. A female student asked another male student,

“Do you ever get an erection when you do a self-examination of your testicles?”

 

“Sometimes, yes” replied the male student.

“What do you do about it?” She then asked.

“Nothing, why?”

She thought for a while then said, “You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?”

“Err, no” he replied

 

“You mean a man’s penis will go down without having an orgasm?”

“Of course”

“I’m going to kill my husband!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Home cooked meal

 

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

 

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”

 

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

 

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook….”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hunters

 

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

 

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, “The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”

 

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

 

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

 

“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Killer Jigsaw puzzle

 

Jasmine, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me…I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

 

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then……………….let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby mole

 

A daddy mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing one morning when daddy mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, “I smell pancakes”.

 

Mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says, “I smell pancakes too…pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup”.

 

Baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole and exclaims “I cant smell anything but moleasses”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taco bell

 

This happened about ten years ago. At the time I was dating a model, and she had just come from an all day photo shoot, and she was hungry, so went to Taco Bell to get something to eat.

 

She was still in her outfit, and she was wearing those “dolphin” shorts that don’t leave much to the imagination. So while she was busy looking at the menu, I was standing behind her checking out what I had that everybody else wanted… and I noticed a white string hanging from her black shorts.

 

So me being the good guy that I am, I reached down and yanked on the string, and all of a sudden she screamed out loud and doubled over in pain. Everybody in the place turned around and looked at me like I had hit her. It turned out that it was that time of the month, and the string was from her tampon! Talk about making an ass out of yourself in public!

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanuts

 

Tour Bus driver is driving with a Bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old Lady.

 

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

 

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,

‘Why don’t you eat the Peanuts yourself”?

 

‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth’, she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them then”?

The Old Lady Replied,

‘We just love the Chocolate around them”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Tom, Dick and Harry

 

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

 

Tom won the first prize – a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize – six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize – a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

 

“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”

“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?”

“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pocket

 

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

 

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”

 

The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hubby & wife

 

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won’t take long.
Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I’m Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darkness times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn’t have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: You don’t love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open,do it yourself.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expert surgeon

 

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

 

“You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.”

 

Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

 

“Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.”

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

 

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

 

“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”

Sam returned in 12 hours.

 

“How did it go, Doc?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.

He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Something Christmas

 

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something “Christmassy.” in order to get in.

 

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas tree. He is let it.

 

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.

 

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

To which he replies, “Oh, They’re Carol’s.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heavenly soul

 

A Man died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:

 

1.Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2.How many seconds are in a year?

 

The Man thought for a few minutes and answered…

 

1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

 

Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it’s not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?”

The Man replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc…”

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.