Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: No more problem

 

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

 

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

 

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions.

 

The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile.

None of these attempts worked.

 

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?”

 

No more problem.

[worldangel]

Joke: Company slogans

 

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

 

“Joe,” he asked, “which company has the slogan, ‘come fly the friendly skies’?”

 

Joe answered the correct airline.

“Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, “Don’t leave home without it?”

 

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

“Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, ‘Just do it’?”

and John answered, “mom.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pictures in driving license

 

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

 

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

 

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man: “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stone blind love

 

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

 

“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”

 

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”

 

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral.’ I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

 

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.

“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’.”

 

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, “So, do you like my stone?” showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard up for money

 

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

 

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his wife what he had done. “Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.

 

Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man. The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.

 

“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply. “Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Communications went dead

 

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

 

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father’s hand.

“Don’t congratulate me, sir,” my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. “It was all the sergeant’s doing.”

 

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. “Congratulations,” he said. “The major’s wife just had a baby girl.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just move

 

I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address.

 

The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

 

“Why do you ask?” I responded.

 

“Because,” she replied, “my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don’t remember seeing you at breakfast.

[worldangel]

Joke: Blood test

 

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.

 

The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can’t find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

 

The guy is so pleased he asks; “Do you think i could have a urine test done?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blood test

 

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can’t find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

 

The guy is so pleased he asks; “Do you think i could have a urine test done?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband doing laundry

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

 

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

 

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Just do it!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A gynecologist to mechanic

 

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

 

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

 

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Safe sex in olden times

 

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?”

 

Grandpa replies, “Nope.”

 

Teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”

 

Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Grave concern

 

A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife’s mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, “If you don’t treat my daughter right when I die I’ll dig up from the grave and haunt you!”

 

When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, “If you don’t treat my daughter right when I die, I’ll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend’s mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say, “If you don’t treat my daughter right when I die, I’ll dig up from the grave and haunt you.”

 

Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling. He said, “She isn’t feeling anything; she died two months ago!” I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, “Heck, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don’t care”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The scuba dive

 

After retiring from his very lucrative job in the music business, Kreutzmann decided to learn to scuba dive. He spent thousands of dollars for lessons, then spent thousands more for the finest suits, tanks, masks, and other related gear.

 

After he bought a boat and sailed to Hawaii, he felt a surge of pride as he went down into the water. Photographing the coral and the fish and using a waterproof pen and pad to make notes, he was surprised to find a man swimming several dozen feet below him with no equipment at all.

 

Outraged, Kreutzmann flippered over and tapped the man on the shoulder and wrote on his pad, “I spend thousands on scuba diving and here you are in bathing suit. What gives?” 

The man took the pad and pen and wrote, “I’m drowning, you idiot.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Announcement

 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

 

If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

 

If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself.

 

This has been a recorded announcement.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: General nuisance

 

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

 

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

 

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

 

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

 

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hounded out

 

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

 

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

 

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

 

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fool’s paradise

 

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

 

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
 

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s wrong with me?

 

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me.

When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!
What’s WRONG with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

[worldangel]

Joke: The grounded conductor

 

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

 

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

 

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

 

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

 

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

 

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

[worldangel]

Joke: 20 Years

 

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband Bill was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

 

Bill was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw Bill wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

 

What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” Bill asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

 

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember.”

 

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

 

Bill wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know . . .
I would have gotten out today.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

 

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

 

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

 

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.

 

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

 

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Very taxing relationship

 

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, ” Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.”

The passenger said, “Who?”

 

The cabbie said, “Dave Bronson. Now there’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

The rider said, “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

 

The cabbie said, “Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood.”

 

The rider said, “No wonder you remember him.”

The cabbie said, “Well, no I never actually met Dave.”

The rider asked, “Then how do you know so much about him?”

The cabbie exclaimed, ” I married his widow!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind salesman

 

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know what type to get so she just grabs one and takes it to a register manned by a Wal-Mart “associate” wearing dark shades.

The woman says, “Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

 

He says, “Ma’am, I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20.00″.

 

She says, “That’s amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for — so I’ll take it.”

As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman loudly passes gas. At first, she’s embarrassed, but realizes there’s no way he could tell it was her because he’s blind and wouldn’t know she was the only person around.

 

He rings up the sale, and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She replies, “I thought you said it was only $20.00?”

 

He says, “Yes ma’am, $20.00 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Branded panties

 

Two ladies went through the custom check point after an oversea trip. Customer Officer found Lady A had seven branded panties in her luggage.

 When Lady A said the panties were not bought overseas, the Customer Officer asked: “Why do you need to bring seven panties on an overseas trip?”

 

Lady A replied: “I do not do washing when I am abroad. Don’t you know that one week has seven days?” She was let go without having to pay tax.

 

Customer Officer then opened the suitcase of Lady B and found twelve panties. When she insisted that she brought them from home, the Custom Officer asked: “Why do you need to bring twelve panties on an oversea trip?” The offended Lady B replied: “I also do not wash when I travel. Don’t you know that one year has twelve months?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Stutter

 

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says,

“DDDDDoc, I’ve bbbeenstut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and IIII’m tired of it. Ca-ca-aanyoooouhellllp me?”

 

The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going on.”

So he examines him, and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”

The guy asks, “We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?

 

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”

The guy asks, “Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?”

 

The doctor says, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”

The guy replies, “DDDDDoooo it!”

 

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor’s office and says,“Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t like it anymore. She liked it better with my long one. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.”

\

The doctor says, “NNNNope a ddddeal’saaadddddeal!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Charlie company

 

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news.

 

Today we’re going to change our underwear.”

The troops started cheering at the news.

 

“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Guilty of obscenity

 

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.

 

The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a sexy couple performed the “Dance of Love” with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn’t reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.

 

Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to the Detective: “It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times.”

[clementi]

Joke: Earthing

 

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, “Earthling. Take me to your leader!”

 

The gas pump, of course, did not reply.

The alien became agitated and again demanded, “Take me to your leader!” The gas pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain: “Report!”

“I contacted an Earthling. He would not cooperate.”

“Hmmmm. I will deal with this Earthling myself.”

 

“Yes, Sir. Be careful, Sir. I have a feeling there could be trouble.”

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. “Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader.” The gas pump remained unresponsive. “If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One.Two. Three.”

 

ZZZZZZZZT! WHAM!

The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien clear out of the parking lot. The captain jumped up and got back to his ship as fast as he could.

“Quickly! Make ready to depart!”

“Yes, Sir. What happened, Sir?”

 

“I fired on the Earthling and it responded very forcefully.”

“Sorry Sir, I was afraid that might happen.”

“How did you know that there would be trouble?”

“Well, Sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his penis, wrap it around his feet, and stick it in his left ear is going to be one very tough customer.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Letter home from the school

 

Dear Dad,

 

$chooli$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

Reply from dad…

 

 

Dear Son,

 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

 

Love, Dad

[clementi]

Joke: Ah Beng’s liver & cheese

 

There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee – a black guy, an American guy and an Ah Beng.

 

They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.

 

The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, “Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let’s see who can make the best sentence using the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’.”

 

So the black guy goes, “That’s easy. I love liver and I hate cheese.” The waitress shakes her head in disgust.

The American guy goes, “Well, I hate liver and I love cheese.” The waitress says, “That is so stupid. That’s essentially the same thing!”

 

Then the Ah Beng steps up and puts his arm around the waitress’ waist. “Liver alone, cheese mine!” ( leave her alone, she is mine ) !!!

[clementi]

Joke:School report

 

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

 

“Isn’t there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn’t think of the name.

 

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn’t it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo’?”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Eagle’s Rock African Safari

 

A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle’s Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America’s many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of “Crazy Glue”… the hard way.

 

Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby.

 

However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger.

“Sally [the rhino] hasn’t been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank,” said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally’s tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death.

 

As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers’ to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. “It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,” said Douglass. “I don’t think he’ll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.”

 

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. “I’m going to buy some for my children, but of course they can’t take it to the zoo,” commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A flea joke

 

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

 

“Oscar, what happened to you?”, asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

“I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

 

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

 

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.

 

“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”

“And so?” asked the first flea.

 

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ground horn of a rhino

 

In Asia, the ground horn of a rhino is reputed to be a powerful aphrodisiac. A very rich older gentleman went to his local apothecary to get some of this stuff.

He explained that he was expecting three beautiful women for an evening and night of “entertainment” and he wanted to be able to keep up, as it were.

He asked for a pound of ground rhino horn powder to increase his libido. The apothecary proprietor gasped and remarked that it took just a fraction of that amount to get the desired results and that it was very expensive.

 

“Price is no object,” said the man, “Wrap it up. I want to take no chances.”

The next day, this same man came into the apothecary, hardly recognizable. His eyes were bloodshot, his face flushed, his back and shoulders stooped, and his hands shaking as he made his way to the counter. The proprietor was quite taken aback.

 

“My Goodness, man, you look AWFUL! What on earth happened to you?”

The man replied, unzipping his pants, “You think I look awful – take a look at this!”

 

He pulled out his penis which was raw and bleeding.

“I came here for some Ben-Gay.” he said.

The proprietor was horrified.

 

“If you put Ben-Gay on that, it will burn like a thousand fires!”

The man hastily replied,

“Oh it’s not for my penis – it’s for my arm. The girls never showed up.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Again

 

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old…I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus.

 

Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans… but my main concern was, naturally for my child.

 

My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, “Again!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Headstone

 

After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself.

 

A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he’d placed his order.

 

“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thumb infection

 

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.

 

“Would you like anything else?” the waiter inquires. “We have some very good roast beef today.” “Sounds good,” says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The customer is getting pissed now, but decides to hold his tongue.

“How about some hot apple pie?” asks the waiter. “Fine,” says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.

 

“Coffee?” asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Every time you’ve come to the table you’ve had your thumb stuck in my food!” “I’ve got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place.” “Why don’t you just stick it up your ass?” “Where do you think I put it when I’m in the kitchen?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Solar eclipse

 

A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, some planetarium directors in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. They warned people not to look directly into the sun.

 

The planetarium received an indignant letter from a local resident. She said that if an eclipse was so dangerous, they never should have decided to hold one and ought to cancel it.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A bachelor

 

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: “There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” he began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

 

To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, “I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency system test

 

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “guinea pigs” in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

 

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours.

 

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: “Have bled to death and gone home.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Post department store

 

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.

 

The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife with three qualities

 

When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities – she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in the bedroom.

 

After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order – she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Accident

 

One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms. As I entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally cupped a male co-worker’s crotch. “Next time,” he said, “why don’t you take me out for dinner and a movie first?”

Edited February 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding night

 

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.

“We’ll have to wait until we are married,” she told him.

So he waits.

 

They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says “I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don’t want our first time to be all bloody!”

John says, “You’re kidding!”

 

Mary says, “We’ll just have to wait a bit longer.”

Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.

“There’s no use John,” she said “You might as well go to sleep.”

 

“I would, except my dick’s so hard there’s not enough skin left to close my eyes!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Movers

 

Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.

 

The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.

 

My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box – obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: “Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party.”

Edited February 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An athletic young man

 

An athletic young man, who always kept his baseball cap on, was heading for the steam room at a local fitness club when he chanced to see someone walking out with his clothes.

 

With only his hat for cover, he took off after the thief. As he hastened out the door of the locker room, he bumped into two girls who looked at him and burst into laughter.

 

“If you were ladies,” he said testily, “you wouldn’t laugh at a man in my circumstances.”

“And if you were a gentleman,” said one, “you’d raise your hat.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stress – Tension - Panic

 

Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The law is bull

 

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

 

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

 

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Instant message

 

A man walked into a computer info sending and receiving center and said, “I want to send my mom the perfect Mother’s Day gift message. I want to send a message that will let her know just what kind of love and appreciation I have for her.”

 

The clerk said, “Nice idea; do you have something specific in mind or would you like one of the associates to help you write a special message?”

“Oh no, after all those years of taking care of me, all the advice and help she’s given me since I’ve been out on my own, never a week going by without her telling me just how to deal with every situation I’ve ever had to face, I know the perfect gift to tell her just how I feel about her, and I’d like to make sure it is sent to all five of her business computers, as well as her personal home computer and her laptop.”

 

“We can surely help you with that,” the clerk replied. “What is the message you’d like to send?”

 

“The I Love You Virus!”