Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Imagination

 

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager’s office.

 

“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years’ experience. Now we discover this is the first job you’ve ever had.”

 

“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two accountants

 

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.

 

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

 

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Marry an accountant

 

A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”

 

The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?”

The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.”

 

“Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient.

“No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Industrial spy

 

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

 

As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Water in carburetor

 

My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

 

I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, “You know, I don’t mean this offensively, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”

 

“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor,” she insisted.

“OK Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”

 

“In the lake.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Expert surgeon

 

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

 

“You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.”

 

Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

 

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

“Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”

 

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.”

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

 

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”

 

Sam returned in 12 hours.

“How did it go, Doc?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.

He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pocket

 

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

 

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

 

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”

 

The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Company slogans

 

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

 

“Joe,” he asked, “which company has the slogan, ‘come fly the friendly skies’?”

Joe answered the correct airline.

 

“Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, “Don’t leave home without it?”

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

 

“Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, ‘Just do it’?”

 

and John answered, “mom.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pictures in driving license

 

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

 

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

 

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man: “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An advertising team

 

An advertising team is working very late at night on a project due the next morning. Suddenly, a Genie appears before them and offers to each of them one wish.

 

The copywriter says: “I’ve always dreamed of writing the great American novel and having my work studied in schools across the land. I’d like to go to a tropical island where I can concentrate and write my masterpiece.”
The Genie says, “No problem!” and poof! The copywriter is gone.

 

The art director says: “I want to create a painting so beautiful that it would hang in the Louvre Museum in Paris for all the world to admire. I want to go to the French countryside to work on my painting.”

The Genie says, “Your wish is granted!” and poof! The art director is gone.

The Genie then turns to the account executive and says, “And what is your wish?”
The account executive says, “I want those two assholes back here right now.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Maid

 

A lady lost 3 panties in her house. She blamed her maid in front of her husband.

 

The maid replied: ” Sir! you should know very well I don’t wear any underwear!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mini skirt

 

It was the late 1960s and the miniskirt was at its height – in more ways than one. I was 19 and had the figure to go with the look of the time – long legged and skinny.

 

I was a junior typist in an office attached to a factory, so the office staff was mostly made up of men and a couple of middle aged women who did the accounts.

 

I had a long bus journey to work every day and this particular day it was raining hard, so I was wearing a raincoat over my miniskirt – which was made of synthetic material – and I wore a pair of sheer nylon pantyhose as well.

 

The bus got in slightly late, so I arrived when everyone had just settled into their places. I took my coat off and the entire office gaped. Then all the men let out a big cheer and started whistling and the two women’s expressions were very prim and disapproving.

 

I looked down and saw that during the bus journey, my skirt (already short) had risen up all the way and was now around my waist!!! They never let me forget it until I left when I moved out of the area a year later!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Most uncomplimentary drawing

 

A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.

 

Fuming, he asked the class, “Who is responsible for this atrocity?!”

 

The class clown won tremendous prestige among his peers by answering, “I really don’t know, but I strongly suspect his parents.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Circumcised

 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

 

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

 

The teacher told him go down to the principal’s office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your mom.” she screamed.

 

“I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom with pesticide

 

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, “I want one condom with pesticides on it. Where do I find ‘em?”

 

The pharmacist replied, “Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They’re on aisle 4.”

 

“No, no, I want me them that condoms with PESTICIDE on it,” growled the farmer.

“Sir,” said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, “PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I’m sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.”

 

“Listen here, ” argued the farmer, “I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife’s got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:A really good deed

 

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy’s name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t see your name written in the Book.”

 

“How current is your copy?” he asks.

“I get a download every ten minutes,” St. Peter replies, “why do you ask?”

“I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn’t arrived to your copy yet.”

 

“I’m glad to hear that,” St. Peter says, “but while we’re waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?”

 

The guys thinks for a moment and says, “Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin’ down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of ‘em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I’d be next.

 

“So I ripped the leader’s chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, “Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!”

 

St. Peter, duly impressed, says “Wow! When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Collection Department

 

Ann had gotten a job in a collections department. She had to call all the delinquent customers, asking for payment, while still being courteous.

 

After working there for a few months, she had become quite good at her job but realized that many of these customers were routinely delinquent.

 

One man in particular had to be called every month and during this conversation with him, he interrupted her little speech and asked, “Excuse me, are you available?”

 

Ann quickly replied, “Not as long as your name comes up on my computer screen.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Stone blind love

 

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

 

“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”

 

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”

 

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral.’ I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

 

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.

“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’.”

 

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, “So, do you like my stone?” showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Patients in a Mental Hospital

 

Anthony and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Anthony suddenly dive into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling Anthony out.

 

The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you!

 

The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.” David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kids

 

2 brothers were having their breakfast one morning.. it’s cereals with hot chocolate.. the younger brother finished his drink and took his bowl of cereal, and went to the aquarium.

 

Just as he was about to feed the fish with the bowl of cereals, his mother came in and shouted, ‘jon, dont do it!! the fish will die!!’ the little boy turn pale, and gave his mother a desperate look..

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The date

 

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

 

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

 

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Group picture

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’

” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s dead.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Play your age

 

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,

“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

 

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,

“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

 

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

 

The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Statue of a nude male

 

A woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

‘What is that?’ asked the child pointing to the penis.

‘Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,’ replied the mother.

‘I want one,’ said the child.

 

The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable
subject, but the little girl persisted.

‘I want one just like that,’ she kept repeating.

 

At last the mother said, ‘if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.’

‘And if I’m bad?’ asked the little one.

‘Then,’ sighed the mother, ‘you will have many.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Dearly departed

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

 

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free drinks for the blind

 

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my guide dog.”

 

“Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

 

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a guide dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

 

The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies “This is my guide dog.”

 

The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have

Chihuahuas as guide dogs.”

The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Inheritance

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

 

“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me £25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me £90,000.”

“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000.” His friend continued.

 

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mistaken identity

 

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

 

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

 

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss it better

 

Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming & crying.

 

His mom comes running into the room wondering what’s going on.

He tells his mother “Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.”

 

“Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday.” His mother says.

[worldangel]

Joke: A navy officer

 

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him. “Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.

 

“No, sir, but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss

 

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word “KISS” scribbled on it.

 

A guest seated next to the speaker said, “Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much.” speaker replied, “You don’t know my wife. The letters stand for “Keep It Short, Stupid.”

 

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Two Gay men

 

Cecil and Scott are two gay men living together. It was extremely hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer.

 

“Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?”

 

Scott replied, “It was so hot outside, I thought you’d like something cool to slip into!”

 

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Come out of the closet

 

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and

decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell his motherfirst; so on his next

home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busyingherself stirring stew witha wooden spoon.

 

Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean homosexual?"

 

"Well...yes." Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men’s penises?"

 

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an Embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don`t you EVER complain   cooking again!"

[clementi]

Joke:Location, location

 

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horsecrap.

 

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 5 minutes – the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

 

But I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Two duffle bags

 

Mr. Jones had recently gotten himself a new secretary, and he called her into his office to transcribe a letter for him. When she walked into the room she noticed his fly was open, but rather than mention it to him then and embarrass him, she waited until she was leaving.

 

Then, as she walked by, she said, “Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open.” He was a bit surprised and confused, but finally got it when he realized his zipper was open.

 

Later on, he decided to play a little trick on his secretary, so he called her in and asked her if when she saw his barrack’s door open, did she also notice a proud soldier standing at attention? Being a witty woman, she replied, “No, sir, all I saw was an old, disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”

[clementi]

Joke:Stay here

 

This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”

 

His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”

The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”

 

She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”

I said, “Of course, you can,” and shut the door.

[clementi]

Joke: Sermon

 

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons.

 

He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”

 

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,“Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pay your bills

 

Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

 

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor.

Horatio the physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

 

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

 

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

 

The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

 

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matterto the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

 

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nickthe Dragon Slayer

 

The moral of the story…….. Pay your bills

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Nonsense

 

A young boy asked his mother, “Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?”

 

“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied his mother.

 

The young boy answered, “The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the tail off his secretary.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fig leaf

 

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, “I’m going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam.”

 

The girl brings out a fig leaf. But he says, “Not big enough!”

So she brings out a bigger one.“Still not big enough!”

So he brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

 

“Still not big enough!” he proudly tells her.

 

So she says, “Listen, Ace, why don’t you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?”

[worldangel]

Joke:Condoms size

 

A young man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty girl working there if he could buy some condoms.

Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun. She asked what size he needed.He said he didn’t really know.

              

So the girl said they came in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.

 

When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence.

When he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a handjob.

 

When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.

When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.

 

When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked,“So, what size do you need?”

 

He answered,“I’ve decided not to buy any condoms; but I will take 8 feet of that fence!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:An extraordinary handsome man

 

“An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…pregnant when you met her.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Two morons

 

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic.

One moron says, “Hey, let’s have a picnic over there under that tree.” The other moron says,” No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road.”

 

They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree.

 

 

One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now.”

[worldangel]

Joke:How to cover your own tracks

 

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage.

 

 

There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

 

“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer.

 

The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Forty years late

 

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman.

 

“Oh my goodness,” the pretty young thing exclaimed, “I’m at the wrong house.”

 

“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her. “But you’re forty years too late.”

[worldangel]

Joke: One short

 

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

 

One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”

 

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Lawyer

 

A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident.

 

He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, “I saw the whole thing. I’ll take either side.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:No one available

 

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he’d left the light on in the garden shed – she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn’t been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.

 

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.

 

“Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, I’ve just shot them all.”

 

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the policemen said to this man: “I thought you said you’d shot them!”

He replied: “I thought you said there was no-one available!”

[worldangel]

Joke:Life without sex

 

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

 

“Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” she says. “The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.”

 

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

“So what’s the good news?” he asks.

The doctor says, “There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant’s trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?”

 

The guy thinks about it and finally says, “Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let’s do it.”

 

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

 

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

 

“Wow!” says his stunned girlfriend, “That was impressive! Can you do that again?”

 

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, “Probably…But I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”

[worldangel]

Joke:Happiest day of your life

 

“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle.

“I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of yourlife.”

 

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.” Protested his nephew.

“I know,” replied the uncle.

 

“That’s exactly what I mean.”