Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Oversize

 

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversize penises.

 

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.          

 

“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

 

“No sir, our mother.”

“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

 

“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Mama’s gift

 

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

 

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

 

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

 

The third said “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

 

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

 

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

 

“She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

 

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

 

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

 

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nuts about you

 

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

 

I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drill instructor

 

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

 

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?” Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Heroic ancestors

 

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

 

“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.” “Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.” “I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” “Really?

 

What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.
“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse country

 

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.”

 

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

 

“Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Bush country!”

“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Early retirement

 

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

 

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man … “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.”

 

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

 

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”

The general replied, “In Vietnam.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Geography or History

 

Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, “Give me all your money, or you’ll be GEOGRAPHY!”

 

The cashier laughed and said, “You mean to say ‘HISTORY.’”

The burglar answered, “Don’t change the subject.”

[worldangel]

Joke: 0 to 200 in 6 seconds

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing virginity

 

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?" 

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." 

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. 

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?" 

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." 

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who is the father?

 

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

 

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" 

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Side effects

 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.'' 

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' 

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

[worldangel]

Joke: The waitress

 

The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. “I’ll tell you what, Lover. I’ll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it’ll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash.”

 

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

[worldangel]

Joke: Life sentence

 

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

 

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

 

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Simply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnancy question

 

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's 
office.

 

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." 

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck’s birth control

 

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynaecologist. 

They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"? 

The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc". 

"Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor. 

"No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency appointment

 

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. 

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. 

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina. 

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation." 

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: A Wedding

 

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

 

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting “Silence in Court.”

 

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, “Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”

 

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says “OK.”

 

“Well”, said Paddy, “After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leap over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates.”

 

The Judge instantly responded… “Wow..that must have hurt!”

Paddy replies “HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!”

[clementi]

Joke:Donation box

 

Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

 

“Mrs. Bradley, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

 

“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

“Oh, $2,000 a week.”

“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

“I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.

 

“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

“Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas…”

[clementi]

Joke:Research

 

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a Research to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

 

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own Research. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

 

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own Research. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[clementi]

Joke:Flying

 

A mother and her son were flying Qantas from Perth to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, “Why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

 

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

 

The flight attendant asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The boy said that she had. With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, “Tell your mother it’s because Qantas always pulls out on time.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:I have only a penny

 

One day a really horny man walked into a cheap whore house and asked the woman in charge “what can I get for a penny?”

 

She replied“well, on the hallway straight ahead there is a woman in there you can make love to but don’t be alarmed, she likes to lay still with the lights off.”

 

The man quickly agrees and goes to the room where the woman lay and proceeded to have sex with her. All of a sudden, to his surprise, white liquid starts to come out of her eyes and ears and nose. He screams and runs back to the front desk.

 

“There’s white stuff coming out of her eyes!!!!!” yells the man. The woman at the front desk turns around and yells to the people behind her“the dead one’s full again!”

 

Two days later, the man comes back to the same whore house and decides thathe needs to get a little action

 

“Listen lady, I am really horny and I only have a dime but I don’t want to have sex with any dead people! ok?”

 

“Sure” the woman replies. “Just go to the second floor where you will find a big white wall with a hole in it. Have sex with the hole and you will reach orgasm. Trust me”

 

So the man proceeds to the second floor, whereupon, he finds the wall and starts to have sex with it. He really enjoys the sex and cums before he leaves.

 

Two days later, the same man returns and asks the same woman

“Today i only have a penny. I really enjoyed yesterday, do you have anything else?”

 

“Why, yes we do” said the woman. “We can’t actually promise you sex but many of our customers like the live sex show on the second floor.”

 

The man goes up to the second floor and sees a room labeled “sex show”. So he walks in where he finds a goat strapped to a wall being anally penetrated by a penis coming through a hole in the wall, disgusted, the man says to the other gentleman next to him.

 

“What kind of sick crap is this?”

The man replies “you should have seen it two days ago, some sicko was doing a dog!”

[clementi]

Joke: Sex vs Secs

 

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “,Daddy, what is sex?”,

 

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

 

He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “,Why did you ask this question?”,

 

The little girl replied, “,Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”,

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Hot as 50 years ago

 

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

 

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

 

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…….. Should we get naked?”

And they stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!”

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!”

[clementi]

Joke:Dashed to elevator

 

One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms.

 

 

As I entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally cupped a male co-worker’s crotch.

 

 

“Next time,” he said, “why don’t you take me out for dinner and a movie first?

[clementi]

Joke: The actual headline

 

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

 

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

 

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

 

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

 

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Ferrari in a garage

 

One fine sunny day, Johnny and Susie were sitting on the sandbox playing, naked.

Johnny and Susie was curious, why they have different *parts*.
So, Johnny went home, and asked :” MUM! Why does Susie have a hole and I have a stick??”

His mum replies : ” Susie has a garage, and you have a Ferrari. Men park their cars in the garage when they are ready. “

” Oh… “
Susie reached her house and asked her father:” Papa, why does Johnny have a stick between his legs and I have a hole? “

” No, Susie, that is the Ferrari! Don’t let him park his Ferrari in your garage! “
“Oka…y…y”

The next day, both of them were on the sandbox again, playing naked.
Johnny exclaimed : ” Oh, Susie ,let me park my Ferrari! “
Susie replied : No! “

He insisted and even tried to park his Ferrari.
And after 10 minutes Susie went home.
” SUSIE! Why are there bloods on your hands! “

” Mom, Johnny tried to park his Ferrari, so I just pulled the back wheels off. “

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:New haircut

 

I met my 6-year-old son at the bus one day after I’d gotten a new haircut.

 

Although it felt great, my new look had the effect of making my already substantial nose seem even more prominent.

 

The next morning I awoke to Julian softly running his fingers across my face, clearly deep in thought. “Mom,” he asked seriously, “did you tell a lie?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Nudist colony

 

An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join.

 

He strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her causes the old man to become excited. The woman, noticing the man’s erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral sex on him.

 

The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.

 

The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man.

 

The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his membership.

“But why,” asks the person at the desk, “you just said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited.”

 

“Yes,” replies the old man, “but at my age I only get an erection once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:A little good night kiss

 

All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”

 

“Well,” Bill replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last date?”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Joe’s date

 

Joe met a nice girl who worked for at carnival. They quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited Joe to her house.

 

When he got there, he noticed a few strange things. First, he noticed that her hallway was filled with those “funny mirrors” that make you look tall and skinny, or short and fat.

 

He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy toys.

That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on the bed. He screwed the ever-lovin’ daylights out of her, and when he was done, he asked, “So,… how was it?”

 

And she said, “You can have anything from the bottom shelf, unless you want to try again and win something from the middle shelf!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Foreman

 

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

 

“You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”

“What’s that got to do with it?” he asked.

 

“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Circulation of a blood

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

 

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

 

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow at the back shouted, “Causeyer feet ain’t empty.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Hemophiliac hooker

 

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.

 

“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?”

 

“Well,” the doctor answered, “Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?” the doctor inquired.

 

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!”

[worldangel]

Joke:Expected baby

 

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

 

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

 

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Joke:Expected baby

 

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

 

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

 

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Saving up

 

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

 

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.

 

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, “What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator.”

 

“Oh my God,” said the bride. “He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years…. I thought he meant his money!!”

[worldangel]

Joke:Simple misunderstanding

 

“It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

 

“Explain that statement!” demanded the Judge.

 

“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman — so I showed her.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Nudist colony

 

An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join.

 

He strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her causes the old man to become excited. The woman, noticing the man’s erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral sex on him.

 

The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.

 

The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man.

 

The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his membership.

“But why,” asks the person at the desk, “you just said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited.”

 

“Yes,” replies the old man, “but at my age I only get an erection once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:What am I supposed to do with this?

 

“What am I supposed to do with this?”, grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

 

“Keep it,” the cop said, “when you collect four of them you get a bicycle.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:A little good night kiss

 

All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”

 

“Well,” Bill replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last date?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:New haircut

 

I met my 6-year-old son at the bus one day after I’d gotten a new haircut.

 

 

Although it felt great, my new look had the effect of making my already substantial nose seem even more prominent.

 

The next morning I awoke to Julian softly running his fingers across my face, clearly deep in thought. “Mom,” he asked seriously, “did you tell a lie?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Joe’s date

 

Joe met a nice girl who worked for at carnival. They quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited Joe to her house.

 

When he got there, he noticed a few strange things. First, he noticed that her hallway was filled with those “funny mirrors” that make you look tall and skinny, or short and fat.

 

He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy toys.

That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on the bed. He screwed the ever-lovin’ daylights out of her, and when he was done, he asked, “So,… how was it?”

 

And she said, “You can have anything from the bottom shelf, unless you want to try again and win something from the middle shelf!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:What’s wrong?

 

The man told his doctor he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said.

 

“Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what’s wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “You’re just a plain old lazy fart.”

 

“Thank You.” said the man. “Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!”

[worldangel]

Joke: What you wanted when you grew up?

 

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.

 

“A football player,” said Jim.

“A doctor,” said Alfred.

“An astronaut,” said Suzy.

 

“The president,” said little Al. (Everyone laughed).

“A fireman,” said Fred.

“A teacher,” said Lisa.

“A race car driver.” said Mario.

Everyone that is, except Tommy.

 

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, “Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“Possible.” Tommy replied.

“Possible?” asked the teacher.

 

“Yes,” Tommy said. “My mom is always telling me I’m impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: VD Chain

 

“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

 

“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

 

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”

 

“Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexy sandals

 

A married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman say, “You foreigners? Come in my friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam a leekem!” (hello in english) So the couple walked in.

 

The bazaar merchant says to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.”

 

After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and winked at his wife, with the comment, ” I don’t think I really need them.” But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant, “So, how could sandals make you into a sex animal?”

The merchant smiled and replied, “Just try them on, my friend, trust me!”

 

Well, in the combined spirit of goodwill and after much badgering from his wife, he finally consented to try them on.

The husband put the shoes on and and a wild look seemed to appear in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years — the look of raw sexual power.

 

In a blink of the eye, the husband rushed the merchant, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guys pants.

While trying to run away, the bazaar merchant is yelling non-stop, “You’ve got the shoes on the wrong feet…You’ve got the shoes the wrong feet!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If only

 

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling 
a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow." 

 

His hand then travels down to her 
crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens." 

 

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother". 

[worldangel]

Joke: Making donuts

 

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" 

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" 

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck jury

 

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. 

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. 

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go. 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck jury

 

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. 

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. 

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.