Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Married for 25-years

 

This guy and this girl have been married for about 25 years and there sex just wasn’t happening anymore. One day this girl decided to take a trip down town and as she was walking she came across a lingerie shop.

 

So she walked in there a noticed that there were crotchless panties on for sale. She thought to herself ” maybe these will spice it up a bit” So she bought a pair and went home. She decided to sit on the couch with nothing but these crotchless panties on and wait for her husband.

She heard the jingling of keys in the door so she spread her legs. Her husband walked in and saw her. She asks him how his day was.

 

He said “fine” She asks him ” so do you want some of this” He replies: “Not if that what it does to your panties.”

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma

 

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

 

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

 

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

 

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

 

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom

 

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

 

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know, so she asked him to drop his pants, which he did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, “One box of large condoms, Register 5.”

 

The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most men, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

 

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She then asked him to drop his pants, which he did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, “One box of medium-size condoms, Register 5.”

 

A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way cool. He’d never had any type of sexual contact with a female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

 

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he quickly did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said …………
…………….
………..
……
…
..
.
“Cleanup, Register 5, ….. Cleanup, Register 5.”

[clementi]

Joke: What does it look like?

 

Son:”Daddy, what does a vagina look like?”

Father:”Well son, it’s like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently.”

 

Son: “Well what does it look like after you pluck it?”

Father: “Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise.”

Joke: What does it look like?

 

Son:”Daddy, what does a vagina look like?”

Father:”Well son, it’s like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently.”

 

Son: “Well what does it look like after you pluck it?”

Father: “Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise.”

[clementi]

Joke: What does it look like?

 

Son:”Daddy, what does a vagina look like?”

Father:”Well son, it’s like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently.”

 

Son: “Well what does it look like after you pluck it?”

Father: “Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise.”

[clementi]

Joke:Foreman

 

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

 

“You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”

 

“What’s that got to do with it?” he asked.

 

“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

[clementi]

Joke:Circulation of a blood

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

 

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow at the back shouted, “Causeyer feet ain’t empty.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:All I wanted in a girl

 

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with big tits.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

 

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

 

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

 

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

 

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

[clementi]

Joke:Telephone lineman

 

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.

 

He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said, “My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn’t have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them”.

 

The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said,“My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn’t have to climb down”.

 

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.

 

He’d had it with this kid so he says to him, “I’ll bet your dad doesn’t have two of these, does he?”

 

The boy replied, “No, but his would make two of yours”.

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Hemophiliac hooker

 

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.

 

“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?”

 

“Well,” the doctor answered, “Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?” the doctor inquired.

 

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!”

[clementi]

Joke:Salesman

 

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

 

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

 

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

 

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”

[clementi]

Joke: Little old man

 

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

 

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

 

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coast is clear

 

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 AM, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here?” and hung up.

 

The husband said, “Who was that?”

The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Future disappointment

 

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

 

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

 

“Correct,” said Mr. Perkins. “And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.”

 

“One, you have not studied your lesson.”

“Two, you have a dirty mind.”

“And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two campers

 

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

 

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

 

The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Seen in the news

 

It was so cold last night the police stopped 3 youths pushing a mobile home down the street!

 

When questioned by police they claimed to be trying to jump start the furnace!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Natchitoches

 

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

 

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.”

 

The blonde leaned over and said “Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Saxophone

 

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

 

“No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold.”

She said she didn’t believe him so she called the bar. “Hello,” she said, “I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?”

 

To which she heard the bartender say, “Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: White hairs

 

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother’s hair and sadly said: “Why is some of your hair white, Mommy?”

The mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said… “Mommy, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Married life is very frustrating

 

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last bowl

 

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?” “Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”

 

The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. “Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked. “No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.

 

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Look familiar

 

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, “Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?” The man answers, “Yeah, I live down the street.”

“No kidding?” says the first man, “Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?”

 

“Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in ’66. How ’bout you?”

“Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in ’66, too.” “Where’d you go to college?”

 

“Beloit, in Wisconsin.”

“No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?”

“Kevin Sullivan dorm.”

“Sullivan? You’re not going to believe this . . .”

 

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, “Joe, you won’t believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn’t that amazing?”

 

Joe looks at them both and says, “Yeah, that’s just plain amazing.” A third man comes in and says, “Hey Joe. What’s new?” Joe says, “Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again.”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Tupperware, sealed in freshness

 

True Story

I was pregnant and got a bad case of diarrhea. I suffered with it for three long days, until I finally decided to call my doctor. He made an appointment for me to see a specialist. I was told to bring in a stool sample. Well, being in the emotional state I was in, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to provide a sample of diarrhea.

 

Soooooo I did what seemed logical to me at the time: I took my very biggest Tupperware bowl and sat on it and did my business. I put the lid on the bowl, and brought the whole bowl to the doctor.

 

At the doctor’s office, I placed the bowl on his desk. If you could have seen the look on the doctor’s face! I wish I would have had a camera with me. The doctor took my “sample” to the lab to analyze it, and when he returned he asked me if it was always that “potent.” That was the moment when I started to get embarrassed. I could have just crawled in a corner right then and there!

 

A nurse rinsed out my bowl and handed it back to me. I turned around and put it in the trash. And moral of the story? Tupperware really does seal in the freshness! Every time I think about this story, I get embarrassed all over again. I can’t believe that I did what I did!

 

Instead of a tiny little sample, I brought them a big bowl full of sealed in freshness!

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Vacuum

 

True Story

 

I live alone, one day I tried to vacuum and it didn’t pick up so well – I turned it up side down,(it was an upright type vacuum).All I was wearing was cut off shorts – daze duke type like women wear – with the strings hanging down as they do.

 

I thought I turn it on from that upright position,to see if everything worked right, using my foot to hit on switch. It turned on, pulling those strings into the beater bar – ALONG WITH MY PENIS!!…It started to really hurt at this point, lost my balance, couldn’t reach the switch…turning pale now, I remembered I talked to my neighbor last so redial her was the plan, I told her “come fast I’m hurt”.

 

As she was trying to untangle me,she told me to undo my pants, I told her I had no underwear on, but she is a nurse so it wasn’t a concern for her – off they came.

 

Just as I was about to sit down on chair before I passed out, in the door comes my girlfriend, hears only her voice, and sees me sitting naked on edge of chair!!Needless to say to this day she doesn’t believe me..

 

This is true.. God I wish it wasn’t.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Big man in a small town

 

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

 

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

 

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

 

The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The gender of computer

 

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
- “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa”. “Pencil”, however, is masculine: “el lápiz.”

A student asked what gender is ‘computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Request a raise in salary

 

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don’t get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

 

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
 

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You’ll retire well before reaching 65
You’re unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

 

Sincerely,
The Management

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Highway 3

 

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”

 

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

 

“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.

 

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.

 

He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Brian

 

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

 

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

 

“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”

The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom, and I”m St Peter”.

 

Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family.you’ve got to send me back Straight away”. St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”

 

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.

 

“Never” replies Brian “Well just relax and let it happen”

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense! feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ever!!!

 

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.

 

“Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’ve shit in the bed”

[clementi]

Joke: Blow job

 

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Gimme a triple!”
So the bartender pours him up a triple and slides it down the bar. The man slams it back.

“Bartender, gimme another!” He bellows, the bartender pours it up, and slides it down the bar. The man slams it back again.
“Bartender, one more!” So the bartender pours it up, and slides it down again. The man slams it back.
“What are you celebrating buddy?”

“My first blowjob”, the bartender looks surprised and says “Wow, here have another on the house!”

The man looks up at him and says “Naw, if three don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Old couple pulled over

 

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

 

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

 

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Retired

 

An urbanite retired and moved to the country. Every morning he put on his denims and a straw hat and made every effort to become a country gentleman.

 

One day an old friend came to visit him from the city. As he was showing him around the farm they came to the gentle-man’s pride and joy…a fine-looking horse.

 

“Yes sir,” said the gentleman, “I go for a buggy ride almost every morning. How about I hitch up old Sea Biscuit and we go for a ride?”

“Suits me.” answers the friend.

 

The gentleman started to harness the horse, but the animal resisted having the bit put in his mouth. It was obvious that the new farmer had no idea how to harness a horse, and after the tenth attempt to get the horse to open its mouth, the guest said, “Why don’t you wait until he yawns?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anti-drug

 

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class.

 

She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

 

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, “Families are Forever.” And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A farmer

 

A farmer got in his car and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

 

A young boy, about nine, opened the door. 
Is your Dad home’? the farmer asked. 
Sorry mate, he isn’t’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’ 
‘Well,’ said the farmer, ‘Is your mum here’? 
‘No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.’ 
‘How about your brother, Greg? Is he here’? 
‘He went with Mum and Dad.’ 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

‘Is there anything I can do for ya’? the boy asked politely. ‘I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.’

‘Well,’ said the farmer uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.’

The boy considered for a moment. ‘You’d have to talk to Dad about that,’ he finally conceded. ‘If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.’

[worldangel]

Joke: My mother taught me

 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

 

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

 

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

 

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thumb tacks

 

A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.”

 

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU. POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Who’s the boss?

 

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.

“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”

 

“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said. “In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”

“How did you do that?” asked Bill.

 

“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”

“What happened?”

“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”

 

“How did you do that?”

“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Guts or balls

 

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

 

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

 

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Need a smaller card

 

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.”

 

A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”

 

“I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Morgan

 

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage.

 

As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, “you know me, why don’t you talk to me?”

 

She replies, “Yes, I know you, you’re Morgan – big M, small organ. “

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men and babies

 

Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall

- I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.
- You know what, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, where she is..

- Well, how does your wife look, let’s search for her together.
- Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big boobs, tight ass, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?

- Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Back seat

 

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

 

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries.

 

The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.”

 

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

“Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Forest fire

 

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

 

“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

 

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

 

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Quick wit

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

 

“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

 

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

 

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Butler

 

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.

 

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.

 

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.

 

She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.

She moved forward and whispered in his ear “Take off my dress…”.

 

“Now take off my bra.

“Next remove my shoes and stockings.”

“Now remove my garter belt and panties”

 

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted “The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you’re fired”.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra & Ben Gay

 

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.”

 

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label “Viagra Extra Strength” and said, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go nuts for twelve hours.”

The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.”

 

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

 

The man says, “Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay.”

The pharmacist replies, “Ben Gay? You’re not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?”

The man says, “No, it’s for my arms – the girls didn’t show up.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Ladies night club

 

The other day, my friends and I went to a “Ladies Night Club.”

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.

 

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

 

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy’s egging me on to try to top the $50.

 

What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

 

[clementi]

Joke:Three wishes

 

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. “Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”

 

he cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”

The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”

 

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

 

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, “My God, I was riding the mare!”

 

[clementi]

Joke:Urine test

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

 

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:  An elderly man

 

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

 

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving…now what do we tell them for Christmas?”