Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Fairy tales

 

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

 

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

 

She said “…And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?’” Then the teacher asked the class “And what do you think that man said?” and my friend’s son raised his hand and said “I know! I know! He said ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!’”

 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Bleeding nose

 

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down the local beer hall. One of them says, “You know Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick”. “How did You get it fixed?”

 

“Well I just dipped my finger in the cow’s vagina and rubbed it all over the bull’s nose and he got right up her”. Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow’s vagina and rubs it all around the bull’s nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and immediately gets it right up the cow.

Ben was impressed.

 

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can’t get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife’s vagina and feeling that it’s nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.

 

He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, “Honey look!”
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, “You mean You woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that You have a Bleeding Nose?”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sheet

 

The cowboy walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks him “How many sheets do you want on your bed?”
The cowboy replies “I reckon I’ll take 2.”

Next other guest walks in and the bellboy asks him the same thing. He replies “I’ll take 2.”

Last but not least, a dumb blonde boy walks in – the bellboy asks him the same question…. the dumb blonde boy replies “If you sheet on my bed I’ll kill you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys in Heaven

 

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?” The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”

St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”

 

The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”

St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”

 

The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.

 

The three guys go off on their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1′s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.

 

They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”

He says, “I saw my wife today!”

 

The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”

He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Overturned wagon

 

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. “Hey, Willis,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you overturn the wagon.”

“That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Dad would like me to.”

 

“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.

“Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, “but Dad won’t like it.”

 

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad’s going to be real upset.”

 

“Don’t be silly!” said the neighbor. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon,” replied Willis.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Period

 

A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself, “I’ll find some drunk. He won’t even notice anything.”

 

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together. The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered in blood.

 

He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic, “Oh my Goodness! I killed her! I killed her!!!…”. As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second n then screams, “Oh my Goodness!!! And I ate her too!!!….”.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Qualifying for men

 

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

 

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

 

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.

 

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Lawyer

 

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

 

He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

 

At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

 

He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”

The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Telephone poles

 

A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.

 

The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was eleven.

 

The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, “Not bad.” Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. Two was the reply.

 

“Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!” The foreman exclaimed angrily.

 

“Yeah,” the leader answered, “But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Train

 

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

 

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

 

“Look… lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”

 

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Man & Woman

 

WOMAN
When a woman is 18, she is a football – 22 men going after her.
When she is 28, she is a hockey ball – 8 men going after her.
When she is 38, she is a golf ball – 1 man hitting her.
When she is 48, she is a pingpong ball – 2 men pushing to each other.

 

MAN
At 20 – A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 – He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 – He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 – He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 – He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Saving up

 

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

 

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.

 

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, “What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator.”

“Oh my God,” said the bride. “He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years…. I thought he meant his money!!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Interstate love

 

4 guys are driving cross-country together — one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

 

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

The man from Idaho says, “Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground-I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

 

The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies,

“Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”

 

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Little Adam

 

Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says,“Put that away Adam! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

 

Adam whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”

Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

 

Adam says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

 

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?”

In a gruff manner, Adam says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Drinking buddies

 

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

 

One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

 

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

 

The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

“Great”, he said! “Just great”! The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . . “

 

“What’s that?”

“Did you fart yet?”

“No . . . “

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Extra 15 dollars

 

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

 

The cabbie said; “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

 

The cabbie recognized the businessman and watched as he got into the first cab in the line. After a short conversation the driver became very agitated and screamed”

“Get the hell out of my cab!!”

 

The businessman got into the next cab, had another short conversation and was again told, “Get the hell out of my cab!”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?”

 

The cabbie replied, “fifteen bucks, and I bet you don’t have any money right?”

The businessman said, “I have plenty of money” and flashed a wad of bills, “Drive on”

 

As they drove slowly past the line of cabs the businessman smiled as he gave the other cabbies the thumbs up sign.

“I don’t get it,” said the driver, “why did the rest of the guys scream at you to get out of their cabs?”

“I asked them if they’d give me a blow job for an extra $15″

[worldangel]

Joke: The new signature

 

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show) you get the idea.

One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem? Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing, he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2.

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble, he said, "but my wife said that since I'm now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The coffin maker

 

A man who makes coffin was on his way to deliver one of his coffins when his car broke down.

Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him & wanted to make some money off him so they challenged him, "Hey, what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man said, "I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The story of the eyes

 

Do you know the relation between two eyes...???
They never see each other... BUT

1. They blink together.
2. They move together.
3. They cry together.
4. They see together.
5. They sleep together.
They share a very deep bonded relationship...

However, when they see a pretty woman, one will blink and another will not...

Moral of the story: A pretty woman can break any relationship...

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Living with 2 sisters

 

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Smith, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr Smith, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr Smith, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters,' I didn't say they were MY sisters!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The engineer and the frog

 

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twist in the tale

 

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Hameed living in a tiny primitive Moroccan village was bvery moron and all his classmates hate him for his stupidity especially his teacher Aisha who was always yelling on him"you are driving me crazy Hameed"

 

..one day his mother went to check out how is he doing and the teacher Aisha told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she never seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...the mother could not accept such a feed back and not only she took her son out from that school but she even shifted to another city.

25 years later, that teacher got an incurable cardio disease and all the doctors have strongly advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform...effectively, left with no other choices she did the surgery and was successful ...when she opened her eyes ,she has seen a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she would loved to thank him but could not talk ,at his turn,he was stirring at her face which started turning to bleu, she was raising her hand trying to tell him something but in vain and eventually died...the doctor was shocked and hardly trying to understand what just happened till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that clinic who unplugged the oxygen device to connect his Vaccum.

Don't tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor. This is called a Twist in the Tale!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: With age comes wisdom

 

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught

 

When I was 18, my mom & grandma (whom I lived with) went away for the afternoon and my boyfriend and I decided to have sex.

 

Everything was going good until I heard “What’s going on???” Turns out my grandma had come home early and walked in on me having sex.

 

Embarrassing? Yes. But, what makes it even more embarrassing is that she demanded to see what we were wearing – which was nothing. We refused to show her and she ripped him out of my bed and showed him out the door.

 

I heard, “So has grandma caught you having sex lately?” for about 5 years after that.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk

 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

 

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

 

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

 

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter, and who had watched the whole incident), walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?” The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby

 

John went to his friend’s house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, “You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby.”

 

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. “Hi,” he said, “who are you?”

 

“I’m Baby, and who are you?”

“I’m stupid,” he said

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Assume

 

My lecturer taught me never, never, never to ASSUME.

 

Because it makes an “ASS” out of “U” and “ME”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife vs Husband

 

Wife : You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband : You tell a woman something.

It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Harassment

 

Teacher: Johnny, Use “harassment” in a sentence..
Johnny: Her mouth said ‘no’, but her ass meant ‘yes’.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The wooden ball

 

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding fine

 

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.

Man: No, I wasn't.

Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.

Man: But I wasn't speeding.

Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)

Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you an idiot?

Officer: Yes, you would.

Man: What if I just thought that you were?

Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.

Man: Fine, I think you're an idiot!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mountain bike

 

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. 

"How'd you get that, son?" 

"By hiking." 

"Hiking?" 

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not for sale

 

A picky lady customer at a Supermarket's fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered.

"Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper, please", the picky lady says to the saleslady.

Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer.

"And three kilo of apples, please, and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper, too."

Gritting her teeth, the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer.

"And what is that over there", the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner.

"Grapes,, says the saleslady with a big grin on her face, "but they are not for sale!!!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Icing

 

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, “Mummy what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”

 

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

 

The next day the girl says to her mother “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night.”

 

Shocked, the Mother says, “How do you know?”

The little girl replies, “I licked the icing off the sofa.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Company policy

 

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins....

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Convincing a woman

 

If you can convince a female in less than 5 minutes then she is your mom.
If you can convince a female in 15 minutes then she is your sister.
If you can convince a female in 30 minutes then she is your daughter.
If you can convince a female in 1 hour then she is your girl friend.
If you can convince a female in 3 hour then she is your lover.
And ultimately....

If you can't or don't even get a chance to convince a female then she is your wife...!!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Food for thought

 

An old lady, a difficult independent, use to sit on a bench in a park to feed the pigeons.

One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.

Then suddenly a man in his early 40s, who was watching her from a distance, came near her and told her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

The old lady said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw that far!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency landing

 

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!"

"Of course I heard you," the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: School

 

mom: “wake up son, it’s time for you to go to school.”

son: “but mom, i don’t wanna go to school.”

 

mom: “give me 2 reasons why you don’t wanna go to school.”

son: “firstly, the students don’t like me.”

 

son: “secondly the teachers don’t like me.”

son: “give me 2 reasons why i should go to school?”

 

mom: “firstly, u are 52 years old, secondly, you’re the principal!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest love affair

 

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”

 

The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.

 

“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”. “Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.

 

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. “That’s all fine and good,” she said. “But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on ?”

 

The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple……See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday

 

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How yadoin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Bob. “He’s on my bowling team.”

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,”Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

 

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

 

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Athlete’s pussy

 

This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.

An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.

 

The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.

 

“Syphilis of the big toe?”, he inquired, “isn’t that rare.”

The doc said “You think that’s rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete’s pussy.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Holding out

 

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

 

“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.

 

“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Simple misunderstanding

 

“It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

 

“Explain that statement!” demanded the Judge.

“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman — so I showed her.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mind over matter

 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

 

After several minutes, Morris had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

 

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Men are like …

 

1. Men are like Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you. 
2. Men are like Bananas ….. The older they get, the less firm they are. 
3. Men are like Weather ….. Nothing can be done to change them. 

4. Men are like Blenders ….. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say. 
 

7. Men are like Department Stores ….. Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 
8. Men are like Government Bonds ….. They take soooooooo long to mature. 
9. Men are like Mascara ….. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 
10. Men are like Popcorn ….. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 
11. Men are like Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps ….. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ….. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[worldangel]

Joke: One for you and one for me

 

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence.

 

One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy.

 

The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you.” He knew what it was. “Oh my god!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!”

 

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one…”

 

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.” Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all.

 

Let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Witch doctor

 

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say one, two, three and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say one, two, three, and four and it will disappear for 12 months.”

after that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed.

She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say one, two, three for?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Five hundred bucks

 

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray’s wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn’t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under the table?”

 

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $500.” After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.

 

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn’t, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray’s house for sex with Ray’s wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

 

As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, “Did Jerry come by with my money?”

With a lump in her throat, Ray’s wife answered, “Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, “And did he give you $500.00?”

 

In terror she assumed she’d somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars.”

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, “Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he’d stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

 

It’s so good to have a friend you can trust.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Conceiving

 

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

 

The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there’s still no result, and another month later she’s back in the office, and this time she gets the big one.

 

 

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

 

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, “We’re so happy doctor, we’re finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren’t that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.”

 

“Well,” the doctor replies, “since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus.”