Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke:You’ll get us both fired

 

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

 

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

 

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

 

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ‘Help, Help me!’, but the lion is quick and pounces.

 

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ‘Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?’

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Deaf Genie

 

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

 

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

 

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

 

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

 

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

 

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

 

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?? “

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss

 

There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his Mother and asked her what they were doing.

His Mother told him. “It’s called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will turn to stone that very minute!”

 

On his 21st Birthday, he went out with some friends, who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before.

 

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, “What are you afraid of? It won’t hurt.” He replied, “My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I’ll die that very minute!” She replied, “Don’t be a baby, now come on kiss me.”

 

With that she gave him a hot kiss, square across the lips. He began to cry, “Oh no I’m going to die.” She asked, “Why are you going to die?” He replied, “I’ve just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: H2O

 

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: H I J K L M N O!!

 

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Student: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Switchboard

 

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wristbands

 

When a patient is admitted to hospital, a white wristband is placed on their left arm. These wristbands contain the patient's name and information. When a patient dies, a red wristband is placed on their right arm and they are taken to the morgue.

In one particular hospital, a young doctor was working the night shift. It was around 2 AM when he finished his last operation. He was on the 5th floor and pressed the button for the elevator. The doctor was tired after a long day and was looking forward to the end of his shift. At 2 AM, the hospital was very quiet. Most of the patients were asleep and many of the nurses had already gone home. He entered the elevator and there was just one other person there. He casually chatted with the woman while the elevator descended.

The elevator stopped at the basement and the door opened. They saw an old man dressed in a white gown standing there. The old man was about to get in when the doctor suddenly slammed the close button and punched the button for the 5th floor.

"Why did you do that?" asked the astonished woman.

"I've performed a lot of operations," replied the doctor. "I've seen a lot of people die. When a patient dies, they get a red wristband placed on their arm."

The woman was silent.

"You saw it, didn't you?" said the doctor.

"That old man... That old man had a red wristband on his arm."

"A red wristband....!!!!" said the woman as she raised her right arm. "You mean like this one ?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not another word

 

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -”

 

The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him.
“But why?” croaks the husband.

“Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me.” “Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob …

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife invited some people for dinner

 

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

 

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

 

The daughter bowed her head and said,

“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Married young couple

 

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote, “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”

 

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

 

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor.

 

Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

 

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Robbery

 

In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote, “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”

 

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor.

 

Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

 

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Someone else

 

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor’s office. He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that !!!”

 

The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.

 

So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”

 

The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”.
“EXACTLY” says the doctor.

 

                               

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old ghost face

 

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!” The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

 

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

 

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.” All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

 

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

 

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

 

The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A criminal lawyer

 

Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult circumstances. So it was he that Milliken hired when he was accused of grand theft auto. And it was Milliken who walked out of the courtroom a free man, after a lengthy trial and some brilliant footwork on Robinson’s part.

 

The very next day Milliken appeared in the chambers of the judge who had presided over his trial and demanded a warrant for Robinson’s arrest.

“Why on Earth do you want him arrested?” asked the judge. “He got you off, didn’t he?”

 

“Yeah,” conceded Milliken, “but when I didn’t have enough money to pay his fee, the son-of-a-bitch drove off in that car I stole!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Morris’s wedding night

 

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

 

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

 

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well where upon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

 

After a few minutes there’s a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

 

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they’re laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, “I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You’re a great lover Morris.”

 

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says,” I was here already?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:A grave encounter

 

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

 

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

 

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You need a shorter password

 

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

 

“It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him.

 

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Hammering the point home

 

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

 

“You jerk!” yells a voice from 
the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” 
says the judge.

 

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

 

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:What are my options?

 

Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone.

Me: Siri, call my wife.

 

Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.

Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife.

 

Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.

Me: Call my wife.

 

Siri: Which wife?

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The wrong language

 

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

 

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since 
I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?”

 

He said he did and thanked me.

 

The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is 
So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent 
in Chinese?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Psychiatrist & proctologist

 

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

 

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

 

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

 

Then came "Minds and Behinds."Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

 

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

 

Everyone loved it.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The bathtub test

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sitting swimmingly

 

Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

 

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

 

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

 

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course).

 

The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

 

Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:

 

"Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospitality

 

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

 

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

 

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

 

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the tourist to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

 

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

 

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Birthday miracles

 

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

 

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

 

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

[worldangel]

Joke: Law, Schmaw!

 

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

 

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

 

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

 

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Free kisses

 

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."

 

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."

 

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."

 

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses."

 

Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Maternal miracles

 

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

 

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

 

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

 

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

 

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

 

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said,"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Hello mother, hello father

 

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.

 

So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"

"No." said the boy.

"Why not?" said the judge.

"Because she beats me."

 

The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."

"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."

Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"

"I want to live with the New York Knicks!"

 

"Why?" asks the judge.

"They never beat anybody."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Actually I am time traveller

 

When I bought beer at the grocery store, the clerk asked for 
my birthdate.

 

I said, “10-3-60.”

 

Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A grandmother’s wisdom

 

A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven’t eaten all day.”

“Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Needles are not nice

 

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

 

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

 

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

 

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

 

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The Assault

 

Dracula has just spent the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. Feeling intoxicated, he begins heading for home sometime before sunrise. Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He turns around and sees no one. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

A few yards further and thud ... smacked on the head again! He whirls round as quickly as he can. No one! As he looks down, there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground.

A few yards further along the street and whack ... smacked on the back of the head a third time! He whirls round as quickly as he can and still sees no one. Looking down, there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He's getting really confused and angry now.

He stands and and waits a few moments, peering into the darkness of the night. Feeling it's now safe to continue his journey home. He walks a few yards further when he gets a sudden tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist, he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart.

He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a meatball. On the ground, dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath, he gasps, "Who are you?"

The girl smiles and replies, "My name is Buffet, the Vampire Slayer!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Party Crashers

 

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.

She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

-

-

-

"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My wife is expecting

 

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." 

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." 

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." 

The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off." 

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. 

"Yes Sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." 

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer. 

"Me." said the soldier simply.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Attitude

 

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and ask him for a Phone Call.

Shop-owner replied Sweety this is not a STD, but you can do one call.


The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:


The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy.

The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.

The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North-Palm beach, Florida."

Again the woman answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.

The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said," Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Old couple in the city

 

This couple had lived together in the old village for over sixty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.

She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning."

"But, madam!", replied the bellman.

"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued.

"You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."

"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Retired couple

 

A retired couple is lying in bed one night and are discussing all aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" husband asked wife.

After some thought, she said, "I'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age."

Then wife asked husband, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

[worldangel]

Joke:Touring couple

 

A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.

After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?"

"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Smart boy

 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggled "ME."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Need light

 

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. 

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" 

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" 

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." 

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" 

"What? And work in the dark?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Better news

 

Harry answers the telephone and it's an Emergency Room doctor. 

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." 

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" 

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Cough treatment

 

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" 

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Realizing

 

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." 

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" 

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. 

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Haircut

 

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" 

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. 

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" 

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves. 

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves. 

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes." 

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?" 

Joey says, "To your house!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Nursing home

 

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. 

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. 

Sunny: "What's that?" 

Tina: "A condom." 

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?" 

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist" 

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. 

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred. 

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel." 

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loving couple

 

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". 

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old marriage

 

The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the doctor learned he was about to marry an eighteen-year-old girl. 

"Now, Mr. Jenkins", the doctor warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt". 

The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies".

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Stop that

 

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. 

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. 

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" 

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Wrong expression

 

 

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." 

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. 

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. 

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" 

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." 

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" 

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. 

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." 

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." 

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!???

 

[clementi]

Joke: A foot and a half

 

Maria had just got married and being a traditional girl, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

 

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

 

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

 

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

 

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother.

“This is a job for Mama.”