Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Everything is big in Texas

 

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

 

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

 

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sherlock Homes and Dr Watson

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: The Twist

 

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Bobby.

 

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

 

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

 

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

 

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

[clementi]

Joke: Five more yards

 

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age” and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

 

A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!”

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

 

A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase.

 

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “well, what’d ye think?”

 

“Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.

“Aye, and if ye like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

 

“Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”

[clementi]

Joke: A strange little man

 

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

 

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”.

 

The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it.

But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

 

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies

“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

[clementi]

Joke: My goldfish died

 

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

 

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

 

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”

[worldangel]

Joke:Retrenchment

 

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head ofhuman resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter thatnext day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Parking spot

 

A guy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot.

Looking up to heaven, he said: "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking spot suddenly appeared.

The guy looked up again and said: "Never mind, I found one."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Waiter, what is this?

 

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?

 
Waiter: What does it taste like? 

 

Customer: It tastes like gasoline! 

Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: All I want is a beer

 

One Friday night, a 17-year-old boy went into a bar and sat down at a table in the corner of the pool room. When the waitress walked over to his table, the teenager said: "Gimme a beer."

The waitress eyed him for a moment and said: "Look, sonny. Do you want to get me in trouble?"

The boy glanced back at her and replied: "Maybe later. Right now all I want is a beer."  

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Following the teacher

 

The teacher said; "Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'" 

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly. 

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" 

"I'm waiting for my secretary," Joe replied

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Backpacking

 

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy.

 

One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

"Darling," she said, "does my hair make melook like a water buffalo?"

I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex & athletics

 

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Virus

 

A wife had suffered for a week from a really nasty virus and it left her feeling completely wiped out. On the first day that she could crawl out of bed, she discovered a "silver lining."

Pulling on a pair of jeans, she called out to her husband, "These jeans fit! They finally fit!"

"That's great," the husband replied, "but they're mine."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Back seat

 

Junior had just received his brand new driver’s license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer humor 1

 

The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.'

 

The old woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer humor 2

 

Tech Support: 'How much free space do you have on your hard drive?'

Customer: 'Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer humor 3

 

Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'

Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'What do you mean?'

Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'I'm not going to do that!'

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer humor 4

 

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: 'I'd like a mouse pad, please.'

Salesperson: 'Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.'

Customer: 'But will they be compatible with my computer?'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer humor 5

 

Customer: 'So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?'

Tech Support: 'Yeah.'

Customer: 'And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?

Tech Support: 'Uhh...uh...uh...yeah.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Computer humor 6

 

Tech Support: 'All right...now double-click on the File Manager Icon.'

Customer: 'That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons.'

Tech Support: 'Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-'

Customer: 'I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons.'

Tech Support: 'Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?'

Customer: [click]

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer humor 7

 

Customer: 'My computer crashed!'

Tech Support: 'It crashed?'

Customer: 'Yeah, it won't let me play my game.'

Tech Support: 'All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.'

Customer: 'No, it didn't crash-it crashed.'

Tech Support: 'Huh?'

Customer: 'I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work.'

(Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.)

Tech Support: 'Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.''

Customer: [pause] 'Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Double the wish

 

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. 

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch." 

"What catch?" the man asked. 

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted." 

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. 

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie. 

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" 

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. 

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?" 

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man. 

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. 

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie. 

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man. 

"What is your third and final wish?" 

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Eating grass

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. 
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. 
"Oh, come along with me then." 

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" 
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. 
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. 
"Bring them as well!" 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." 

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Dead lawyer

 

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer." 
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week." 

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." 

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" 

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Afraid of the dark

 

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. 

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." 

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "The Heaven is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." 

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" 

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. 

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Heaven? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" 

Edited February 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke:Taking a tinkle

 

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. 

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. 

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. 

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' 
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[worldangel]

Joke:Team work

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" 

The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" 

The little boy nodded yes. 

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." 

Do you understand all that?" 

Again the little boy nodded. 

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?" 

Again the little boy nodded. 

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Meaning of names

 

A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? 

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said. 

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? 

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? 

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies. 

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Getting fat

 

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. 

She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!" 

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." 

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Walls of Jericho

 

A church school supervisor asked little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny said, “I don’t know, but it sure wasn’t me!”

 

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Holy Book knowledge, went to the school principal and related the whole incident.

The principal said, “Look, I know little Johnny and his entire family very well and can vouch for them. If little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I believe that it is the truth.”

 

Even more appalled with the principals lack of Bible knowledge, the inspector went to the regional Head of Education and related the whole story.

 

After listening to the supervisor’s story, he said, “I can’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this; we’ll get three quotations and get the darn wall fixed.”

[clementi]

Joke: A window cleaner

 

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

 

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

 

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

 

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”

 

“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”

 

“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.

“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”

[clementi]

Joke: Helping your father

 

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver.

 

Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay." 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Great bar

 

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

 

Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

 

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”

 

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

 

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

 

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

 

“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Ah Huay

 

Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair, streaked red tie and white shoes, he screamed in his mind, “OH MY GOD! THIS CAN’T BE IT, WOMEN!”.

 

Since he had no choice, he had a wild idea. “If you can make a sentance out of GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE, and BLACK, I’ll give you this job.” Ah huay thought awhile, and said. “I heard the phone go GREEN GREENGREEN! Than I go PINK up the phone, and said, “YELLOW? BLUE’s that? WHITE did you say?

 

Don’t PURPLEly go disturb people, and dont call BLACK, ok? Kum siah.”
The manager fainted.

 

[clementi]

Joke:Pay attention

 

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

 

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention….”

[clementi]

Joke: Rebonding

 

One day, siew pau and maggimee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body.

 

Siew Pau loose in the fight and went back to tell all the paus family;

kaya pau, tau SA pau, curry pau, and etc.

So together?..all paus went to find maggimee for revenge.

 

On the way… they met Spaghetti?… so all pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can’t say a word,Spaghetti then scream…

 

“WHAT DID I DO? I don’t even know you all”???.

Then the siew pau say??..

 

“HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don’t think I can’t recognize you after you do REBONDING!”

[clementi]

Joke: How to draw an apple?

 

A boy and a girl in a Kindergarten.

 

The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and that was to draw an apple each. (a nice one) The boy was trying to draw one but just can’t get a nice apple. He was so angry with himself for not able to draw properly. So he thought of a way, he strip himself and rub all the water colour onto his buttock , and sat onto the drawing block and true enough a nice apple was printed on the paper.

 

Now the girl heard the way he did the apple, and she also did the same thing like the boy strip herself paint her buttock and sat on the paper, a nice apple appear.

 

The next day they passup their drawing for marking, and guess what , the boy get an A , while the girl get a C. The girl was very puzzle , why he get A and her self get C.

 

So she ask the teacher , teacher, teacher why he get A and I get C, we both did the apple the same way. The teacher say ” Oh,… didn’t you see, his has got a stem”………

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Q-Tip

 

At a seminar called “Stress and Disease” by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those ‘Take This Job And Shove It’ days, try this:

 

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by “Q-tip”. Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

 

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

 

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says “every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.”

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, “I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company.”

[clementi]

Joke: The handy-woman

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

 

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:  Someday my prince might come

 

After many years, Cinderella finally reached the ripe age of 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she now happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

 

Cinderella says, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

 

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

 

"It is the least that I can do," replies her Fairy Godmother. "What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

 

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

 

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!" And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

 

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

 

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

 

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Expected baby

 

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

 

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

 

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Marriage

 

A conversation before marriage...

 

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

 

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

 

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

 

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

 

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

 

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

 

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

 

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...

[worldangel]

Joke:The husband is watching

 

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"


 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:No kidding

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" 

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." 

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" 

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" 

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Paying the bill

 

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. 

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Dogs

 

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat." 

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie. 

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Lion’s fans

 

 

This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey on with a little Lions helmet too. The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Lions game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game." 

The bartender replies, normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave. 

The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon the Lions kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five. 

The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool! What does he do for a touch down?" 

The guy answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Career path

 

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test. 

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Holy book, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home. 

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Holy book, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." 

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. 

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items. 

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..." 

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired. 

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind’s sport

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport... parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." 

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. 

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. 

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. 

He quickly answered "Oh..... the dog's leash goes slack."