Be Happy :)

[Kahlua]

"Hello" the talking cat goes on cable news. Amazing!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdeVpw9rNyg...feature=related

Have a good one!

[worldangel]

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

[worldangel]

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a streetcorner.

One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."

The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!"

The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"

The bartender says, "Oh, OK then." The man drinks his beer and leaves.

The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"

The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!!"

The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[worldangel]

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.

"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[julacariote]

Hello guys,

If you want to challenge guys to a video strip poker, follow this link:

Strip-Games-With-Guys.com

Have fun...

[Guest guests]

Can't resist not to share with you all!

Singapore's very own karen mok!

[worldangel]

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish.

Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too" :whistle:

[worldangel]

"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter.

His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?"

"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man.

"It's from someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill me."

"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife."

"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous

[worldangel]

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.

Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

[Kahlua]

Superman and Batman were flying across the city when they spotted Wonder Woman sun tanning naked by the pool at a penthouse behaving very sensual and was like touching herself.

As they flew by, Superman told Batman how he got the hots for Wonder Woman and wanted so very much to bed her. Batman said to Superman “Well, who’s stopping you? I’m sure you can do a lightning quickie, she’ll not even know what hit her.”

With that thought, Superman swooped down for a wonder quickie then flew back up to join Batman, spotting this ear to ear grin on his face.

Meanwhile back at the penthouse, Wonder Woman having being startled got up from her tanning bed, Invisible Man appeared and said “Oh fxxked, my ass is burning.”

Edited August 5, 2008 by Kahlua

[Kahlua]

Here is a Big Fat Cat whom I think is very cuddley. I'm sure he will have a good owner to look after. By the way he checked himself into the animal control centre because he was stealing pet food and kenna stuck on the doggy door.

So there it is, have a great one.

[worldangel]

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.

Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know!"

[worldangel]

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from a nearby town was called to put out the fire.

The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.

Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made.

Five minutes later, the volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.

The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions.

Soon, they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts.

The farmer was impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared.

The next day he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," responded the captain. "The first thing we're gonna do is get them damn brakes fixed on that there fire truck."

[worldangel]

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say,

"Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

[Kahlua]

Four english mothers were sitting down for tea one english afternoon. One sure topic to brag about will be about their sons.

One said "My son is a vicar of a parish and whenever he enters the room, people will address him as "Father"."

Spotting a grin on another mum she said "My son is the bishop of a diocese and whenever he enters the room, people will address him as "Your grace"."

The next mum up the ante said "My son is the cardinal and whenever he enters the room, people will address him as "Your eminence"."

The last mum kept quiet, "well what about your son?" the rest asked her, speaking in the most coyly manner, she blushed and said "erm.... oh well....., my son is a 6ft tall, dark, muscular and extremely handsome stripper and whenever he enters the room, people will exclaimed "Oh my god!!!"

[Kahlua]

Church Bulletins

Here are some Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.

Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help.

Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water," One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" -- come early and listen to our choir practice.

by Qiltmeister

[Kahlua]

Religious Pick Up Lines

Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug

What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?

I am here for you.

The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry", how about dinner?

You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.

You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?

Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

Nice T Shirt. Who would Jesus date? I, I, mean "What Would Jesus Do"

Do you believe in Divine appointment?

Have you ever tried praying at my place before?

At the dinner table "Excuse me I believe one of your ribs belongs to me?"

We have to hold hands when we pray so the circle won't be broken.

Christians kiss before parting -- it's an old Jewish tradition.

I didn't believe in predestination till I met you.

I'll turn the other cheek for you, if you'll turn yours to me.

When they designed those Precious Moment figurines, I'll bet you were the model.

I have an extra dove pin. Want me to pin it on you?

Love is patient and kind, you know. If you'll be patient, I'll be kind.

Let's read the Bible together tonight. How about the (pant-pant) Song of Solomon?

Man does not live by bread alone. So how about dinner and a movie?

The Bible says we should greet bretheren with a kiss of love.(1Pet 5:24)

"Greet one another with a holy kiss, and forbid not the use of tongues."

So there you go, have funz!!!

Edited August 14, 2008 by Kahlua

[tennis_uncle]

[dannyGuy]

so funny... i can't laugh out loud during office hours but i think i juz induced internal injury while watching it .........

and they're gonna have EBP too

[Kahlua]

Classic, simply a classic!!! Muahahahahahaaaaaaa Heil Furer

[worldangel]

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.

They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.

And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.

Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know.

Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!" :swear:

[worldangel]

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble"

[worldangel]

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you."

The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution."

"Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?"

"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!" :whistle:

[Kahlua]

World War II, a resistance group was formed and trained to asassinate Hitler, arm with guns, shells, bombs and the works. Intellegence had it that Hitler would be on a private visit to a chatel at 1pm that day and the route was marked. The ambushed was laid and ready.

1pm... no Hitler, 2pm... no HItler, 3pm still no Hitler.

One resistance guy said to the other "gee... i hope nothing happened to Hitler..."

[worldangel]

I had a near death experience yesterday afternoon that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding.

Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things couldn't possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrups...

When this happened I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart Manager came out and unplugged it!

[worldangel]

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

[worldangel]

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

[worldangel]

My friend Joe and I were crusing down the street in Joe's new car, when we came to an intersection.

Even though we had the red light, he drove right through, nearly hitting a passing car. "What the heck are you doing, Joe!" I asked him after I had regained my wits.

"Bill always does it," he replied calmly. A block later was another red, but Joe pushed the petal to the metal, almost killing us. "Bill always does it," he said again.

At the next intersection we had a green light, and Joe slammed on the brakes. "Your supposed to go," I told him. "Get going!"

"But Bill might be coming!" he exclaimed.

[worldangel]

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand.

Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention"

[worldangel]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had

been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Quickie

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few minutes passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lots Of Love

There was this lady who always thought LOL meant "Lots of Love". She managed to go through computer life without incident for a while.

One day, the mother of a dear friend of hers passed away.

She sent her the following message: "Sorry to hear about the death of your dear mother, LOL"

For some reason she never heard from her again!

Edited October 26, 2008 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: One Good Deed

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow. "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life,

but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment.

"Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl.

I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and

a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.

So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them,

'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

[clementi]

Joke: Expert in the Kitchen

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Before It Starts

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

[worldangel]

Joke: All Aboard

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we 're going down the tracks.

"The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don 't use that kind of language in this house!!

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

"Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

"She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

"As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen. "

[worldangel]

Joke: Making Love To...

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again till we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

[worldangel]

Joke: Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[worldangel]

Joke: The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.

The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles.

I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me.

Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us.

I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just shit my pants"

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR''''''

[worldangel]

Joke: A Little Guy

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him,

grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs.

“I can't do anything right.” “I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.”

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital Patient

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said,

"Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician,

Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental Hospital

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,

Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act,

she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Special Occasion Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It' s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner.

Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.

Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and Immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling...

Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion"

Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, My response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!! "

[worldangel]

Joke: Guarantees In Life

One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5,000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[worldangel]

Joke: 16 years later

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom, mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!" :whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Newly wed couple

this newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy shit i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

[worldangel]

Joke: Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Crowded Subway

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"