Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke:Hearing check

 

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. 

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Hairy armpits

 

A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. 

She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink." 

She gets her drink and goes away. 

Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink." She gets her drink and goes away again. 

The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before. 

The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Free drinks

 

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." 

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." 

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. 

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." 

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. 

The drunk says, "I haven't got it." 

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. 

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" 

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elder pick-up

 

A well dressed, debonair man in his mid-nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid- eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One thing we can do

 

 

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. 

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." 

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. 

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. 

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. 

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. 

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. 

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. 

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At pearly gates

 

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. 

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. 
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." 

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheap bar

 

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. 

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." 

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. 

The barman replied, "Yes." 

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" 

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." 

"How much money?" inquires the guy. 

"Four cents," he replies. 

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" 

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." 

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" 

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Diary of young wife

 

Monday: 
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

 

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

 

Wednesday: 
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind silly in the middle of the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.

 

Thursday: 
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I’ll try to be supportive.

 

Friday: 
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, to my mum’s place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

 

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it’s little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out “why me? why me ?” Hmmm….It must be his job.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Drunk

 

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “ATTENTION ALL” and farts loudly.

 

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says” Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.”

 

The drunks replies,” I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: He said ….. She said

 

10) He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?

9) She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

8) He said … Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.

 

7) He said… ‘Two inches more, and I would be king’
She said…’Two inches less, and you’d be queen

6) On wall in ladies room: “My husband follows me everywhere.” Written just below it: “I do not.”

5) He said… “Shall we try a different position tonight?”
She said…”That’s a good idea…. you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. “

4) Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’sgonna look?’

 

3) He said … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said … Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

…and the number 1 “He said…She said”..

 

1) He said … Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said…I would, but you’re never there.

 

[clementi]

Joke: The winning lottery number

 

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn’t going to bother and enter.

 

“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”

 

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

 

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

 

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707….

 

[clementi]

Joke:Most wonderful weekend

 

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. “Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

 

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, “Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.” “No problem! I’ll write you a check!” “Very good, sir.” says the shop owner. “Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared.”

 

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: “How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!!”

 

“I just had to come by,” grinned Sam, “to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Dirty birds

 

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

 

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?’”

 

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

 

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

 

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Cup holder

 

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?”

Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ’4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: My goldfish died

 

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

 

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

 

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: My goldfish died

 

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

 

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

 

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Personal question

 

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. 

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is." 

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?" 

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" 

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vampire blood

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. 

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. 

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. 

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Falling asleep

 

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'. 

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Fishing

 

A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight. 

Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late. 

On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk clerk stops him. 

"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon," He asks. 

"Yes sir.." The man replies. 

"Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed with her.." he says. 

"I can't, she's got ghonnerhea." the man replies casually. 

"Okay, how 'bout a little oral action?" 

"Nope, she's got herpes."The man says calmly. 

Agitated, the dek clerk says "Well, you could take the back door.." 

"Nope, she's got diarrhea." 

Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?" 

The man smiles "She's got worms too..and they make good bait." 
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding

 

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. 

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" 

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. 

"Um, yeah..." the startled man replied. 

The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

[worldangel]

Joke:Gently put

 

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. 

"Break it to her gently," they all urge. 
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." 

"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Pregnancy question

 

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's 
office.

 

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." 

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[worldangel]

Joke:Boss issues

 

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Air Force Cargo plane

 

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Funeral service

 

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. 

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "What ever you do, don't bump into the wall!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women

 

There are these three women A redhead a brunette and a blonde. And they start to talk about their daughters.

 

The red head says "you know i caught my daughter with cigars i did not know she smoked!" then the brunette says " I know! i found booze in my daughters room didn’t know mine drank!" then the blonde says.."OMGi like totally know where ur coming form OMG, I found like these these ummm condoms!? in my daughters room...like OMG didn’t know she had *whispers* a penisssss" 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A shot in the woods

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

 

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"

 

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding

 

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

 

Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit 130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

 

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

 

"Have a nice night," said the officer as he returned to his car.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t step on a duck

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

 

So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.

 

He chains them together with the same reason as for the first woman. The third woman listens to all of this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

 

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tanned and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

 

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The pet centipede

 

There was once a very lonely man, who went home to his lonely house every night, ate his meal for one TV dinner and went to bed, alone. One day he decided that he would buy a pet to keep him company. So along he went to his local pet shop. He described his sad lonely existence to the shop-keeper who immediately said "I've got the perfect pet for you! He's a very special pet, doesn't take a lot of looking after and very friendly". "Excellent, I'll take it", said the man. The shopkeeper went out to the back of the shop and came back with a very small box, "Inside this is a talking centipede", he said.

 

The man was delighted and intrigued; he paid for the centipede and took the little creature home.

 

Later that evening, he set the centipede on the kitchen table and said, "Hi there matey, I'm off to the pub for a pint, do you fancy joining me? There was no answer from the centipede. Still the man put it down to the centipede being in a new environment, "best let him get used to his new home" the man thought.

 

The next day the man set the centipede on the table and asked him again if he would like to accompany him to the pub - still no answer. Still acclimatising, thought the man.

The following day, the man tried again, thinking that if he still got no answer from the so-called "talking" centipede he'd take him back to the shop. So he put the centipede on the table and said, "Hey there, I'm off to the pub, do you fancy coming with me?"

 

To which the centipede replied, "I heard you the first time I was just putting my shoes on!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk making a call

 

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Catfish

 

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.

 

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

 

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

 

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

 

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

 

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dad Will Never Say

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that. 

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY. 

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party. 

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 

2. Whaddyawanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal. 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the public pool

 

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool." 

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Delivering a baby

 

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pass out in shock

 

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. 

Someone dialed 911. 

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. 

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sign languages

 

Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

 

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tyre shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."

 

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your new boyfriend?

 

Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?"

"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wise old man

 

A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

 

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, "You kids are a lot of fun. I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

 

After a few days, the man tells the kids, "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

 

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. "Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. We quit."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Go to hospital

 

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Travel on the plane

 

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman is on a bus

 

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping for goods

 

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. 

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. 

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." 

"Is that a record?" she inquired. 

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New family driver

 

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. 

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. 

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unexplained sickness

 

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said to his patient:

 

"Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

 

"In that case," his patient replied: "I'll come back when you are sober.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Six months to live

 

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient: "You only have six months to live."

 

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance.

 

"I can't possibly pay you in that time." "OK," the doctor said: "let's make it nine months."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Couples therapy

 

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor.

 

The counselor asks the wife: "What’s the problem?" She responds: "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

 

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires: "Is that true?"

 

The husband replies: "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 years

 

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." 

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," 

the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." 

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Closest shave ever

 

A department store was opened to sell Husbands. The store had 6 floors.

Now the rule was you could purchase any husband from any floor, but once you went up to another level you could not go back down, but to exit the store.

 

A lady entered and the sign on the first floor said 'men with a job', she went up to the next level which read 'men with a job and likes kids'.

 

Impressed she then went up another level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids and has a romantic streak', she liked the sound of that, but proceeded to the next level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic and good looking'.

 

She was really impressed now but went on to the fifth floor where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic, absolutely gorgeous, and enjoys helping around the home'.

Now this lady was very impressed with that, but still she went on up to the sixth floor, and there on the sixth floor was a solitary sign which read...

 

You are the 3,00,450,701 woman to visit this floor, this demonstrates how women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband store. Have a nice day.

 

Directly across the road from the Husbands store was another department store that sold Wives. And, similar to the Husbands store, this store had 6 floors where you could purchase a Wife on any level, but if you went up a floor you couldn't go back down and had to exit.

 

So, a bloke walks into the store and on the first floor reads the following sign: "Women who like sex".

Impressed the guy goes up to the second floor where he meets a similar sign, but this one reads: "Women who like sex and are good looking."

 

No man has ever gone to the third floor.