Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Have a first child

 

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newest son-in-law

 

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." 

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." 

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." 

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." 

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" 

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guy goes hunting

 

A guy goes hunting and wants to hire a dog to retrieve the catch.

 

“I have just the dog for you, sir.” says the gamekeeper. “He’s called Salesman and he is brilliant” Off they go and every time the hunter shoots a bird the dog runs off and brings the bird back just as he was hired to do; a great success.

 

The following year, the same guy goes back and asks for Salesman as he was so good last year.

 

“Ah, I’m sorry, sir, but it won’t work anymore. Someone had the bright idea of calling him Sales Manager – now he just sits on his arse and barks all day”.

Edited February 28, 2015 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Calf

 

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

 

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

 

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s post-dated six years from now.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Minor operation

 

A beautiful young girl was about to undergo a minor operation. She lay on a rolling bed and the nurse brought her into the corridor. Before entering the room, the nurse left her behind the surgery room door to go in and check if everything was ready.

 

A young man wearing a white coat approached, took the sheet away and began examining her naked body. He walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. The second man came over and did the same examination.

 

When a third man started examining her body very closely, she grew impatient and asked, “These examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”

 

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and told her, “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: You can’t keep a good man down

 

During my first year in college, I lived on the campus’ first “co-ed by room” dormitory floor.

 

All the other floors had girls in one wing, and boys in the other wing, separated by a big shared lounge. But on our floor we had girls next door and directly across the hallway. It worked out great, and there were no problems or complaints.

 

Anyway, one morning I woke up early and had to take a leak, so I sleepily shuffled down the hallway toward the bathroom, wearing only my boxer shorts. Nothing out of the ordinary.

 

I passed a couple of girls on their way to breakfast and I mumbled a half-awake “good morning.” They didn’t respond. Instead, they stopped walking, turned around and watched me, as I walked past them. Then they burst out laughing.

 

I thought, “What’s up with them?! This is how people look in the morning, when they’re half awake.” I walked into the bathroom, stepped into the stall, and reached down to free the Big Guy for a much needed pee.

 

To my horror, the Big Guy was already out of the front of my boxers! And he wasn’t looking the least bit sleepy! He’d been proudly saluting all the way to the bathroom! I guess it’s true what they say: You can’t keep a good man down.

[clementi]

Joke: Broccoli

 

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”

 

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, “Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

 

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

[clementi]

Joke: Fingerless

 

Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

 

The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”

 

Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”

 

The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2006. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

 

Jon says, “Well, shit, Doc, I couldn’t pick ‘em up.”

[clementi]

Joke:Most embarrassing

 

I’m female 25 years old. My most embarrassing situation happened a few years ago when I was in college. My roomie had gone away for the weekend and I was alone. One evening, after drinking a little wine at a party I came back to my room and decided to masturbate. I locked my door, stripped naked, put on my earphones (blasting) and went to it with a vibrator!

 

What I didn’t know was that my roomie thought I was also going to be gone for the weekend, and gave her key to a friend in case the friend “got lucky”. I was in the middle of my “work-out”, my headset blasting, my eyes squeezed shut, when the door opened and a girl and a guy walked in!

 

They stood, frozen in shock while I lay writhing on the bed. I didn’t hear or see them! After what could only have been a few seconds, something made me open my eyes! I almost had a heart attack! They mumbled an apology and ran out! I seriously considered a transfer.

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Because because

 

Someone was at a party when he started boasting to the local journalists that his command of English language was better than that of the average journalist’s. An editorial writer didn’t take too kindly to that and said, “Well, I’ll bet you $100 that I can stump you.”

“I accept your wager,” he said. 
“I’ll bet you can’t use the word ‘because’ three times consecutively in a sentence. That is my challenge!”

 

After thinking for a moment, he replied, “You cannot end a sentence with the word because becausebecause is a conjunction. You lose.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Condoms

 

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.

They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

 

Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms : – Just do it.
Toyota Condoms : – Oh.. what a feeling.
Ford Condoms : – The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms : – Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft Condoms : – Where do you want to go today ?
KFC Condoms : – Finger Licking Good.

M&Ms; Condoms : – Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Coca-Cola Condoms : – The Real Thing.
Ever-Ready Condoms : – Keep going and going ….
Macintosh Condoms : – It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
Pringles Condoms : – Once you pop, you can’t stop.

 

USA Brands
Budwiser Condoms:- This bud’s for you
Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper
Gatorade Condoms:- The thirst Quencher Ball
Park Franks Condoms:- They plump when you use em
Charmin Condoms:- Don’t squeeze the Charmin

 

Telecom Brands
Nokia Condoms:- This is Human Technology
Ericsson Condoms:- It’s all about connecting people
ATT Condoms:- The right choice
Motorola Condoms:- What you never thought possible

 

And my personal favorite:
Movies Godzilla Condoms:- Size does matter!!!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The husband store

 

A department store was opened to sell Husbands. The store had 6 floors.

Now the rule was you could purchase any husband from any floor, but once you went up to another level you could not go back down, but to exit the store.

 

A lady entered and the sign on the first floor said 'men with a job', she went up to the next level which read 'men with a job and likes kids'.

Impressed she then went up another level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids and has a romantic streak', she liked the sound of that, but proceeded to the next level where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic and good looking'.

 

She was really impressed now but went on to the fifth floor where the sign read 'men with a job, likes kids, romantic, absolutely gorgeous, and enjoys helping around the home'.

Now this lady was very impressed with that, but still she went on up to the sixth floor, and there on the sixth floor was a solitary sign which read...

 

You are the 3,00,450,701 woman to visit this floor, this demonstrates how women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband store. Have a nice day.

Directly across the road from the Husbands store was another department store that sold Wives. And, similar to the Husbands store, this store had 6 floors where you could purchase a Wife on any level, but if you went up a floor you couldn't go back down and had to exit.

 

So, a bloke walks into the store and on the first floor reads the following sign: "Women who like sex".

Impressed the guy goes up to the second floor where he meets a similar sign, but this one reads: "Women who like sex and are good looking."

 

No man has ever gone to the third floor.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You auto know

 

After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.

 

Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class and said: "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

 

 The professor replied: "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine and I gave you an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

[worldangel]

Joke: Medical study

 

A new study in Scotland has found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is post-menstrual, she may be attracted to plain facial features.

 

When she is pre-menstrual, she can be attracted to more feminine features in a man. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features -- and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his temple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fisherman

 

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: “Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 561, and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”

 

In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Angry wife

 

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar,
so one night he took her along with him.

 

“What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

 

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered.“I don’t know how you can drink this stuff !”

 

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Help me

 

Patient: Oh, doctor, I have terrible troubles. I do hope that you can help me
Psychiatrist: Now calm down. Just lie down on the couch and tell me all about your troubles.

Patient: Well, doctor, I have a duplex penthouse apartment in New York and a summer house on the beach at the Hampton. I drive a Rolls-Royce, and my wife drives a Jaguar. My two boys go to the best private school in the city. We belong to three very swanky clubs, and every year I manage to spend a month in Europe.

Psychiatrist: These things are very wonderful, but let’s get down to your basic problem.

Patient: I was just getting to it, doctor. You see, I only make $150 a week!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse

 

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

 

MAN: “What was that for?”

WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”

 

MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

 

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

 

MAN: “What was that for this time?”

WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Liar!

 

My Lying Wife “That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

“How do you know?” the friend asked.
“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

“So?”
“So she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Pad, please

 

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Drunk

 

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

 

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

 

 “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Sperm bank

 

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again.Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full. 

[worldangel]

Joke:Money issues

 

A wife and husband are having money issues.

 

One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up.

 

He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50."

 

The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."
 

[worldangel]

Joke:Launderette reunion

 

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."
 

[worldangel]

Joke:My lady boss

 

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

 

She said to me “Would you mind taking my blouse off?” I replied, “Certainly,” and took it off. Then she turned around and said, “Would you take my skirt off too?” So I removed that as well.

 

Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, “If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Phobia

 

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. 
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" 

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." 
"How much do you charge?" 
"A hundred dollars per visit." 
"I'll sleep on it," said the man. 

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. 
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. 
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." 
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

 

In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

 

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.

 

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newest son-in-law

 

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." 

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." 

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." 

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." 


"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" 

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Politics explained

 

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

 

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What is it?

 

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about.” “Ok, first it’s round, plumb and red.” Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.” “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking.

 

Now, for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

 

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically… the teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.. “A banana,” she says.. “No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.” Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.” “Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!” Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What is it?

 

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about.” “Ok, first it’s round, plumb and red.” Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.” “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking.

 

Now, for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

 

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically… the teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.. “A banana,” she says.. “No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.” Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.” “Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!” Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Marriage saver

 

“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.

Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”

“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.

 

“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.

So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”

 

“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried that – it didn’t work.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girl’s night out

 

Walking home after a girl’s night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

 

The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”

 

“That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.’”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three babes

 

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over at after they went home and got ready. Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him.

 

He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one. Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.

 

The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick.

 

Charlie replied “No,I need it for my arms the women never showed up!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad or terrible news

 

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm, and was ushered into his office.

 

“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.

“Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”

 

“That’s the bad news?” George was stunned? “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

 

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Microwave

 

There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.

So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”

The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”

 

So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question. The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”

So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way.

 

The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde. The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Here After routine

 

Fred’s convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

“I suppose,” said his pretty but reluctant date, “you’re going to pull the old ‘out of gas’ routine.”

 

“No,” said Fred, “I’m going to pull the ‘here after’ routine.”

“The ‘here after’ routine… what’s that?”, she wanted to know.

 

“If you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fart

 

An old lady came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: “I fart all the time, Dr. Johnson, but they’re silent, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”

 

“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days. Then come back to see me in a week.” The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson’s office: “Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is now much worse. I’m farting just as much, and they’re still silent, but now they smell terrible!

 

 What do you have to say for yourself?” “Calm down, Mrs. Barker,” replied the doctor soothingly. “Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we can begin to work on your hearing!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Friends

 

Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed . He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Miss school

 

Teacher: “Chong, u missed school last Friday.”
Chong : “You’re wrong, Sir.”

Teacher: “Wrong, how is that?”
Chong : “I was absent, yes but I certainly didn’t miss it!”

[worldangel]

Joke:$64,000 question

 

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

 

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?”

 

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a question all week.

“Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?”

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn’t believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

 

“I’ll try the easier part first.”

The M.C. nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”

 

The audience silenced with gross anticipation……

“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??”

[worldangel]

Joke:Wrong idea

 

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this hedge.”

 

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

 

He shouts in horror, “My Goodness … have you changed your sex?”

“No,” she replies. “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit instead.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Nudist colony

 

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

 

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

 

He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.

 

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style…. it makes your nose look too short.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Mad cow disease

 

Female reporter was interviewing 1 farmer regarding mad cow disease.
Reporter : Sir, would you like to comments about the mad cow disease?

Farmer : Lady, Do you know that bull and cow only have sex once in a year ?
Reporter : Sir, I respect your comments but we are in the programme for mad cow disease only.

Farmer : Lady, and do you know that we squeeze cow’s breast for milk 4 times a day = 1460 times a year ?

Reporter : Sir, but what has it got to do with mad cow disease ? (She was angry because the farmer had being talking sexy things.

Farmer : lady, if I will to squeeze your breast 4 times a day = 1460 times a year but you only get SEX once a year — WILL YOU BE MAD???!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: A small problem

 

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks. 

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

 

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

 

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Stranded on

 

A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with a beautiful actress

 

Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?"

 

He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them."

She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub."

 

It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the mens' clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Art gallery nudes

 

A couple goes to an art gallery.

 

They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.

 

The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

 

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

 

The husband replies, "Autumn."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Appointment the next day

 

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

 

His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again.

 

This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[worldangel]

Joke:Honeymoon room

 

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

 

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

 

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[worldangel]

Joke:Retirement home

 

A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn't want to go, but the family insists.

 

On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard. The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind. Now he likes the retirement home.

 

The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man. The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home.

 

"But yesterday you told me you loved it there..." says the son.

"Yeah, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day."