clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Sad life A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Alligator A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."The guy says, "No, no, no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Me & My friend Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.Friend: Ok I can see it...Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there. Friend: Uh-huh..I'm likin' this. Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you. Friend: Oh-ho-hoo..Whatta' naughty girl. Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet. Friend: I hate you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Condom for first time “I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Broke-up People always ask me why me and my ex-girl broke up. Ok this is what happen one she caught me blowing my dick with her hair dryer, and she asked me what the hell are you doing and apparently "heating up your dinner" wasn't a good answer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: At redlight area Two men visit a prostitute centre. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says,‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘yAH, YOU ARE RIGHT ! You know? Your wife IS better.’ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Chocking hazard Guy: Wanna suck my dick? Girl: No. Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard! Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Telling you a joke Boy: I can tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long. Girl: Well I can tell you a joke about my pussy but you'll never get it. Boy: I can tell you another joke about your pussy, never mind it stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Name that animal Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job. Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: At the beach One day a man goes to the beach to get a tan, he is wearing no clothes except for a newspaper to cover his privates. A little girl walk up to him and asks ''What is under the newspaper?'' the man replies ''Oh, that's my birdy, don't touch it.'' Soon after, he falls asleep. When he woke up he realized he was in a hospital and he felt a tense pain in his private area. He sees the little girl sitting beside his bed. ''What happened?'' the man asks ''Oh, uh yeah when you fell asleep I went and played with your birdy but then it spat on me sooo I broke it's neck, smashed it's eggs and burned it's nest.'' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Just wetting my book One evening a husband and wife were in bed. The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV. The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love. A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood. "She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure. The husband repeats the same move again. She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for sex. Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, "Dear, I’m all ready!" The husband asks, "For what? "She says, "Well, for sex, dear! You've fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I'm ready!" The husband replies, "Huh? Sex?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Flashlight A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Wedding anniversary A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: What’s wrong? One day a girl on the beach with no arms or legs was crying and a life guard saw here came up to here and asked "why are you crying?" "because I've never been hugged before" she said, he hugs her and goes on a few minutes later she's crying again another life guard see's her and asks "what's wrong?" she tells him "I've never been kissed before" he kisses her and goes on a few minutes later she's crying again another life guard see's her comes up to her and asks "what's wrong?" she tells him "I've never been f*cked before" so he picks her up throws her in the ocean and says "well you're f*cked now" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Nudist beach A boy and his mom go to a nude beach then they see men with big dicks. He asks his mom why they have big dicks and she said the bigger they are the dumber they are. Then they see women with big boobs and he asks why are their boobs so big and the mom responds the bigger they are the dumber they are. So the boy sees his dad and goes back to his mom and tells her "I saw daddy talking to a very dumb girl and he was getting dumber by the second. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Give me the wine I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back:"Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Grown hair Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Boss & Secretary A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: My boyfriend My boyfriend said if this gets 200 kick-ass votes... were gonna try anal. Please don't vote. He's on Viagra. My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke:From a mother with love Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke:Two zebras pondering Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to Heaven about that and ask him." So that night he did and Heaven replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because Heaven just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else Heaven would have said,Yo is what yo is." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke:Impossible to please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Sex is fine Sex is good, sex is fine. Doggy style or 69, just 4 fun or getting paid, Everyone loves getting laid, so if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n kickass me back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: Climbs the flagpole Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole. Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! ...Next Day... (Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole! Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole) Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear. Mom:... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: The future is full of shit A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 3, 2015 Report Share Posted March 3, 2015 Joke: I am a man Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say. Friend: Alright. Me: You broke up with your girlfriend. Friend: I am a man. Me: You decided to get drunk. Friend: I am a man. Me: You went to the bar. Friend: I am a man. Me: You found a hot chick there. Friend: I am a man. Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes. Friend: I am a man. Me: You both came into your room and had sex. Friend: I am a man. Me: Next morning you wake up. Friend: I am a man. Me: And she says... Friend: I am a man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:Only three doors An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Dead pussy An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Making love to …. How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess? A teacher says we got to do this over and over again till we get it right. A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit. And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Crowded subway The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Genius boyfriend A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it." "Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Lifetime savings A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh my goodness! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Flat tummy There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room. When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away. The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?" The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it." "Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said. "Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked. "Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Always been doubt A man is talking to his best friend about married life. "You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt." His friend says, "Yeah, I know what you mean." A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. "While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt." The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?" "I have some bad news for you," says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light." "Then what happened?" says the man. "I don't know. It was too dark to see." "Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:Glad to be drunk A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: A really bad day There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:Bride tells her husband The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY! Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:First day of First grade On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. 'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. 'Pockets!' said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!' Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:Sex researcher This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:Blind date John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:The computer programmer A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Young associate A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work." Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Lesbian Joke: Lesbian Patient A woman goes to the doctor’s office and says to him. “Doctor, I’ve got a strange problem I need your opinion on.” “Could you describe the symptoms to me?” the doctor asks. “Well, it’s easier if I show you,” she said and, standing up, proceeds to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. “They don’t hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them.” ‘The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, “Are you a lesbian, by any chance?” he asked. Embarrassed and slightly nonplussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, “Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?” “Well,” the doctor says, “I’m afraid you’ll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren’t real gold.” Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Gay Joke: Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vasseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
worldangel Posted March 4, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Gay Joke: Jerking off Tim comes home from work and says to his wife,“I think one of the guys at work is gay.” His wife asks, “Why do you think that?” He says, “Today we were standing at the urinals and he was jerking off.” She asks, “How does that make him gay?” “Because,” said Tim, “he was using MY penis. Quote a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Big-game hunter The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, “Springbok.” Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot with a .22 rifle.” He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion.” Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle was a .308.” He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, “Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?” His wife replied angrily, “From me!” “What did I do?” he asked. She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an ax!’ “ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke: Man, that guy is stupid I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why: I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Eventhough the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted March 4, 2015 Report Share Posted March 4, 2015 Joke:Deadhead Deadhead Zeke was seeing a show out of town, and was going to crash at his pal Cosmo's place. However, Zeke missed Cosmo after the show, and was feeling pretty lost and disoriented. So he called Cosmo asking how to get to his pad. Cosmo told him to look at a street sign to find out where he was, and he would go pick him up. Zeke looks at the street and says, "I'm at the intersection of Walk, Don't Walk". Cosmo replies "Dude! that's right outside my building!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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