Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: National Gallery

A husband and wife attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench looking very exhausted just outside the entry to a tunnel of a huge mine. Two of the guys had black organs, but the one in the middle had a pinkish pen*s.

The black curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pinkish penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, a distinguish old man approached the couple and with an impish twinkle in his eyes said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about.”

“The curator of the gallery has explained it to us. It’s okey, we don’t need another interpretation?” said the husband.

But the wife is fascinated by the sly smile of the old man. She said, “wait, why would you know more than the curator?”

“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “The truth is that those 3 men are not African-Americans,” the man said.

“What are they?”, the now drawn husband asked.

“They’re three young coal-miners. And they’re all white”, answered the old man.

As he turn his back to the baffled couple, he give them a wink, a mischievous grin then added, “the guy in the middle is just back from home after having lunch with his wife.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Check mines

Two little boys stole a big bag of orange from their neighbor & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally, one of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes later a drunkard on his way from a bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: “One for me, one for u. One for me, one for u.” he immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the church nearby for a priest.

“Father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery.” They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: “One for me, one for u, one for me, one for u…”

Suddenly the voice stopped counting and says: “What about the two at the gate?”

Omg come see the marathon, the priest almost run pass the gate, shouting we are not dead yet…!

[worldangel]

Joke: Robbery

There was a robbery at a bank and there was a pregnant lady who got shot in the stomach 3 times.

After the robbery she went to the doctor and asked Doctor will my triplets be okay?! The doctor says yes but in 15 years the bullets will come out.

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

A 15 year old runs up to his mum and says, ”Mum I was pooping and a bullet clinked the side of the toilet.” The mother is confused at first then remembers and tells him the story.

Later that day another child goes up to mum and says, ”Mum! I was peeing and a bullet came out!” So the mother tells the story.

The 3rd child comes up very slowly with his head bent down and the mum says, ”Lemme guess you were pooping and a bullet came out?”

He replies, ”No I was masturbating and I shot the dog…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Marco

One day a girl was staying at her boyfriends’ parent’s house. The boyfriend and her had to share the top bunk in his little brothers room. Her boyfriend was really horny so he whispered “Say Marco to go faster and Polo to stop.”

So the boy began to thrust in and out of her. “Marco!” The girl hissed. A dew seconds later she cried “Marco!” After a few minutes of thrusting the girl screamed “MARCO!”

“Can you two stop playing games and go to sleep?” His boyfriends little brother snapped.

[worldangel]

Joke:Icing off the couch

One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having s*x on the bench. The little girl asked her mom, “Mommy, what are they doing?”

The mom was blushing and replied, “Oh their making cakes.”

The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having s*x. The little girl asked again, “Mommy, what are they doing?”

Again the mother replied, “Oh their making cakes.”

The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, “Mommy, I know you and daddy we’re making cakes last night.”

The mom was frightened and asked, “How did you know?”

The little girl replied, “I licked the icing off the couch! It was good too!”

[worldangel]

Joke:Car speeding

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your driver’s license?” “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop. “Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde. “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. “I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?” “Yes.” replied the officer “Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher. “Uh… yes.” replied the cop. “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.” “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher. So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs… “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a mute, he could communicate only with sign language, he searched for a cure to his condition his whole life, until one day he met a guy and was told that he was a mute like him and got cured.

The mute asked him with passion: “What did you do?”

The ex-mute replied: “I went to a jungle tribe and they cured me.”

The mute: “Please show me where they live.” The ex-mute showed him the location of the tribe and the path to it.

The mute started his journey with all the hope in the world days and days passed until he found the tribe. It was a tribe of jungles and everything was huge about them (if you know what I mean).

He sign told them the issue and they agreed to help. They tethered him with a robe, striped him off his clothes and one men entered his anus.

The mute yelled with all his voice, “AAAAAAAAAA”. The tribe replied: “Tomorrow will teach you the letter B.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Police dog

Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short time then Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”

Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.

Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit – and the superintendent’s balls in his mouth!

[worldangel]

Joke:Dave & Tom

Dave and Tom are fishing on a lake. After about an hour when neither of them had a bite, Dave decided to row to the middle part of the lake; where they were very successful

TOM: This is a great spot for fishing Dave we'll have to mark this spot so we can come back here tomorrow.

DAVE: I know, we'll put an X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

TOM: Don't be silly Dave that's no good we might have a different boat tomorrow.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three girls

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

[worldangel]

Joke:Prisoner

At a court date the judge asked, “What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?”

“Well, your honor, replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up the manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, I want to listen to it on my record player”

[worldangel]

Joke:Fingers

A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quickly rushed to the emergency room.

The doctor there told him, “Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do”

“But I don't have the fingers!”

“What! You don't have the fingers!?” said the doctor, “You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.”

“But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.”

[worldangel]

Joke:A father & son

A father and son went deep-sea fishing.

Out at sea, the father sees his son drilling a hole in the boat, when asked what he was doing, the son replied, "there's water coming into the boat, so I made a another hole for it to escape."

[worldangel]

Joke:Drummer or frog

Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.

The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!"

The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Thorne

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca.

"I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot revenge

Two missionaries were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[worldangel]

Joke:Lunch anyone

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"

Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

[worldangel]

Joke:Go fishing

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No"

"Well, than your not big enough"

Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No"

"Well, than your not big enough"

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies"

[worldangel]

Joke:Nudist camp

A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So he sent her a picture of his top half.

A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.

A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.

[worldangel]

Joke: New York bar

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”

Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Sex Education

“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

[worldangel]

Joke: First condom

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Olympics condom

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

[clementi]

Joke: It’s miracle

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle... No... Wait... It's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photographs, and so on..."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Something has definitely happened which cannot be explained by Earthly means. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out. And so, unfortunately for that very reason, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have simply buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[clementi]

Joke: Freudian slip

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. “Well” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?”

“No,” said the other priest.

“Well” said the first priest, “it’s when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time.”

“Oh,” said the second priest, “so, what happened?”

“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first priest.

“Yes?” said the second priest. “Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, “I now sentence you to death.”

[clementi]

Joke: Short joke1

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Joke: Short Joke2

First Guy (proudly) : “My wife’s an angel!”

Second Guy : “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Girl : Do you love me ?

Boy : Yes Dear Girl : Would you die for me ?

Boy : No, mine is undying love

[clementi]

Joke: Chin-chin the panda

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors.

The judge looked at Chin-Chin’s lawyer and proclaimed, “Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client …”

“Wait a second, your honor,” said the lawyer, “My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn’t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word ‘panda’ in the dictionary, you’ll have no choice but to agree.”

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; “PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves.”

[clementi]

Joke: Feeling depressed

If you ever feel depressed in your life... open your mailbox... When I open my mailbox, I find: 10 banks are giving me easy loans.

I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.

10 Job companies have best jobs for me.

5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.

Dr.Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall & greying.

3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.

And to top it all ...

Approx 70-80 mails from Priya, Payal, & Neha who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.

What else you need from life ???

[clementi]

Joke: Great woman combacks

Man “Haven’t we met before?”

Woman “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man “Is this seat empty?”

Woman “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man “So, wanna go back to my place ?”

Woman “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man “Your place or mine?”

Woman “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”

Woman “It’s in the phone book.”

Man “But I don’t know your name.”

Woman “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man “So what do you do for a living?”

Woman “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man “What sign were you born under?”

Woman “No Parking.”

Man “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”

Woman “Do not Enter”

Man “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”

Woman “Unfertilized”

Man “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”

Woman “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man “I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”

Woman “You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”

Man “I know how to please a woman.”

Woman “Then please leave me alone.”

Man “I want to give myself to you.”

Woman “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man “I can tell that you want me.”

Woman “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy

Woman “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”

Woman “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species..”

Man “Your body is like a temple.”

Woman “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man “I’d go through anything for you.”

Woman “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man “I would go to the end of the world for you.”

Woman “Yes, but would you stay there?

[clementi]

Joke:Pregnant lady

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.

“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.

“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.

“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.

“Yes, it is.” – she says.

“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.

“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.

Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re drunk dad

A drunken guy walks into a bar and walks up to a guy and says, “I just had sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to the guy again and says, “I just had great sex with your mom!” The guy walks away angrily.

A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to him again and says, “I just had the best sex ever with your mom!” The guy now says, “Shut up dad! You’re drunk again!”

[worldangel]

Joke:Brand new watch

Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?” – asked Johnny.

“Nope.” – replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy said “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” – asked Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.”

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

[worldangel]

Joke:What is sex?

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Vampire

One day a vampire goes to a bar and asks for a pint of blood but doesn’t get any and walks out…

A couple of minutes later he returns and asks for a cup of hot water… The bartender, confused, asks him why he needs hot water…?

Vampire: I found a used tampoon and wanted to make tea…

[worldangel]

Joke:How to tell virginity?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

[worldangel]

Joke:Emergency call

A man calls 911 emergency: Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!

After five minutes, the same man calls back: It is ok, I found another one.

[worldangel]

Joke:In labor with the first child

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor with their first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”

She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you bastard!”

He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Software updating

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man. She then heard her husband coming… she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move.

Husband: What is this?

Wife: This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling…

Husband: Okay…Lets have sex now…

Wife: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you…

After she left the husband said: Damn I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot…he tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…

“SYSTEM ERROR…WRONG HOLE… SYSTEM ERROR… WRONG HOLE…”

Husband: Damn robot is not working properly…I am throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…

“SOFTWARE UPDATED…PLEASE TRY AGAIN…

[worldangel]

Joke: Free kisses

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses."

Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday miracles

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

[worldangel]

Joke: The secret of happy marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor, give me he news!

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Meet my mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Horsing around

Brian and his two friends are hanging out at a bar. They're talking about life, sports and other guy things when the conversation finally gets around to to their marriages.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "You know what? I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Brian, surprised by the candor of his friends, decides to come forth with his marital concerns: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him, or course, with utter disbelief.

"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: We need to have a talk

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.

In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied:

"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop playing games with my heart

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bottle of red, bottle of white

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Things you shouldn’t ask your mother

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied: "It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Beauty & the Beast

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sitting swimmingly

Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course).

The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:

"Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"