Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: With age comes wisdom

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wait your turn

A youngster rushed into a barber's shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately.

"You wait your turn young man," said the barber, "I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to. It will take an hour or two."

The young fellow ran out of the barber's shop. He came the next day, the day after and for many days subsequently. Every time he was told to wait his turn, he fled.

Not being able to contain his curiosity, the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop.

The assistant did so and reported back, "I don't know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two, he runs to your home."

[worldangel]

Joke: A silent fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

[worldangel]

Joke: House on fire

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother-in-law."

[worldangel]

Joke: Having a bad day

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency signals

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

[worldangel]

Joke: Boys-out trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?

"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

"And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'

"So here I am....!!!" Moral: Never deny a man meeting his friends!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Preferential treatment

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.

"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.

"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.

"No, your boyfriend told me that!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Murderous neighbor

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying b*stard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You t*ghtwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two good old boys

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

[worldangel]

Joke: Height of work pressure

Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys.

Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand.

Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "Why is she not attending the weekly status call?"

I don't login to facebook, youtube, etc..at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize that I am at home.

Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye... in case of any issues will call you back"

Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it's in the recycle bin !

Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab. Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb. Thank god he didn't notice.

And I, after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen.

So avoid working so hard !

Have a great work-life balance.

Lastly.....

Height Of Work Pressure:

An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sober vs Drunk

The skipper of a tramp steamer, in writing up the log recording an eventful day, rounded off his task with the entry: "Mate intoxicated."

To the mate, who indignantly protested on reading it, the skipper retorted: "Well, it's true, ain't it?"

On the following day it was the mate's duty to write up the log, and he completed his account with "Skipper sober."

The captain stared at it for a moment, then exploded.

"Well, it's true, ain't it?" was the mate's rejoinder!

[worldangel]

Joke: Chef on board

An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.

"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.

"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."

The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:

"The chef said you can kiss his A*s, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.

[worldangel]

Joke: Halloween party

A couple are going to a Halloween party and the girls comes down the stairs wearing nothing but boots; so the guy says "What are you suppose to be?!" and the girl replies,

"Puss in boots" so the guy goes into the kitchen puts a potato on his penis and comes back out.

"What are you suppose to be?" the girl asks. "If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor & the woman

A doctor was sick today and decided to take the day of, so a cover doctor takes his place for today, after the day was over the cover doctor went to see the sick doctor, the sick doctor then asks "How many patients were there today"? he replied "2" "oh, what was wrong with them"? said the sick doctor, the cover doctor replied, the first came in and had a head ache.

i gave her some pain killers, the second came in undressed herself laid on the bed spread her legs and said, doctor ihavent seen a man in 5 years, please help me!" the sick doctor replies, "What did you do"!! he replied " I GAVE HER SOME CONTACT LENSES

[worldangel]

Joke: What a shame?

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.

"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolled over on the couch.

"You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner date

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old crush

A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A fitting memorial

But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"Really?" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody says, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!"

"Two and a half carats."

[worldangel]

Joke: You’ve got mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

[worldangel]

Joke:Emergency landing of helicopter

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!"

"Of course I heard you," the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Food for thought

An old lady, a difficult independent, use to sit on a bench in a park to feed the pigeons.

One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.

Then suddenly a man in his early 40s, who was watching her from a distance, came near her and told her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

The old lady said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw that far!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,

"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred metres up stream and walked across the bridge.

[worldangel]

Joke: The new signature

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show) you get the idea.

One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem? Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing, he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2.

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble, he said, "but my wife said that since I'm now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height?

Husband :-I never checked.

Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.

Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector :-Color of eyes?

Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Color of hair?

Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?

Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving?

Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-Color of the car? . . . . .

Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door ............. and then the husband started crying …

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.

[worldangel]

Joke: Miserly gift

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend.

Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.

In due time, he received an acknowledgement:

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

[worldangel]

Joke: Identical horses

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatrics’ observation

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, di*k, let's go."

[worldangel]

Joke: What a massage!

"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave.

Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case.

He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?

Sure, go ahead! said the customer.

[worldangel]

The 12,000th post

Joke: The army hospital

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem on the farm

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of the truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you'll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road."

The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Favourite bakery

An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stress

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl.

Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.

In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.

You require for a DNR analysis and they make it.

Then the doctors tell you quietly, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.

On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.

[worldangel]

Joke: A pirate’s story

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[worldangel]

Joke: The English teacher

"Yo, Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks.

"I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, you were my English teacher."

Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bean soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care where it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Job application

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was: "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

[worldangel]

Joke: New poultry farmer

A new farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a poultry operation.

Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the new farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local extension office, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."

[worldangel]

Joke: To tuck or not to tuck

Murphy asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me," said Paddy. It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got it in church," he began to explain. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.

"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I know she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: How do you manage that?

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Why seniors still need newspaper

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if she had a newspaper handy.

"This is the 21st century Dad," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, use my I Pad."

I can tell you this: that fly never knew what hit him.

[worldangel]

Joke: A scary introduction

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.

In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen".

The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown."

The dwarf faints!

After regaining his consciousness, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown."

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing.

"For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

[worldangel]

Joke: A scary introduction

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.

In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen".

The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown."

The dwarf faints!

After regaining his consciousness, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown."

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing.

"For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bird nest’s soup

A caucasian woman travelling in south-east Asia was horrified to be served bird's nest soup.

"Do you mean to say this actually is a bird's nest?" she protested.

The chef assured her that it was, explaining that the bird built the nest using its own saliva as glue.

"Are you saying I'm supposed to eat saliva from a bird?" she demanded. "I can't imagine anyone eating bird's saliva."

Realizing that there was no hope of converting her, the chef asked what she would prefer instead.

She answered, "Oh, just fix me an omelette."

[worldangel]

Joke: Duck hunting

Two guys went duck hunting. One drank a bottle and a half of whisky while the other kept watch.

After two hours, a solitary duck flew up. The sober man took aim but missed.

"Quick," he said to his drunken friend, "try and hit that duck."

The drunk waved his shotgun in the vague direction of the sky, pulled the trigger and hit the duck.

"That's amazing," said the sober one.

"Not really," replied the drunk. "When there's a whole flock you can hardly miss!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The absent-minded professor

An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.

That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.

Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."

In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.

"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A dishonest honest man

One evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a romantic dinner under the moonlight with his lady.

Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit - some nine thousand bucks. The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money.

The manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others!

The hungry man shrugged it off, "My date's waiting. I just want my chicken."

The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him. He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken.

"I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right. Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?"

"That's the f***** problem," said the young man. "My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my friggin chicken so I can get out of here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bringing home a drunk

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it’s possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A silent man

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.

"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she returning?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

[worldangel]

Joke: The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES !' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.