Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES !' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

[clementi]

Joke: Delivery routes

A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse.

He says:

- To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.

- To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.

- To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.

- And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown.

The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!!"

And the wife retorts, "Rich??? Lucky??? Are you fucking kidding me!!!?? He is a Milkman!!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!!"

[clementi]

Joke: The ultimate pill

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.

He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ......... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[clementi]

Joke: Quick thinking

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house.

The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"

"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

Joke: If my body were a car (by an old man)

This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!!

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it,

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires

[clementi]

Joke: The odd couple – Happily married

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, 'ready' for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again he is 'ready' ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, is young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert."

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

P.S.: Have I sent this to you already?

[worldangel]

Joke: The matchmaker

A young lady visited the Government Matchmaker for Marriage and requested "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

The Marriage Officer said, "You're requirements please."

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.

Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The Officer listened carefully and replied," I understand. You need a TV."

[worldangel]

Joke: The precious chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Concealing the profession

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Medicine helping the bull

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows.

His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked his friend.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting the library open

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting rid of the problem

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner is ready

My cooking has always been the target of family jokes.

One evening, as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke and the smoke detector went off.

Although both of my children had received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the alarm.

Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them.

I found them in the bathroom, washing their hands.

Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.

It's the smoke detector, they replied in unison.

"Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded.

Sure, my oldest replied. "Dinner's ready".

[worldangel]

Joke: Sniffer dog

A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. ‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’

The plane took off and, once it had leveled out, the Policeman said ‘Watch this.’

He told Sniffer to ‘search’.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said ‘Good boy’ and he turned to the man and said ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on ?’

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He just found a bomb.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Payback to your old roommate

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

[worldangel]

Joke: 24-hour service

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read:

"Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."

"Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

[worldangel]

Joke:Perfect breast

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

[worldangel]

Joke:Two men at bar

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”

The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken.”

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

“So what did she say?” asks the friend.

The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni and would rather $hit in her pants.”

[worldangel]

Joke:This is our house

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away.

“Jonny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.

“Of course you do.” – his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

[worldangel]

Joke:You broke your finger

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What age to tell?

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” – he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

[clementi]

Joke: Women are always right

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister.

The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."

A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."

The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

"Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."

This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.

"See! I told you I was right," the woman said.

But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.

"Help me, Lord," the woman implored.

And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!"

The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"

"So, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."

[clementi]

Joke: Women are always right

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister.

The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."

A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."

The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

"Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."

This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.

"See! I told you I was right," the woman said.

But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.

"Help me, Lord," the woman implored.

And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!"

The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"

"So, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."

[clementi]

Joke: The train manager & the complaint

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

"You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again, a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical, but, the wife insists the story is true.

"Look, lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So, he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says in an ominous tone, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies:

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[clementi]

Joke: Flashing traffic camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.

He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail......for driving WITHOUT A SEAT BELT

[clementi]

Joke: Wish fulfillment

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Check-up

One day an older fella was in for a check-up. After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"Eighty-five! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"One hundred and twenty-six! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three times three

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"

"Two hundred seventy-four," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual check-up

During her annual check-up, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[worldangel]

Joke: A naïve bride

A naive young girl goes into the doctor's office.

She says, "Doc, I'm getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions."

He says, "All right."

She says, "All right, what is that thing that hangs between my fiancé's legs?"

The doctor says, "That's the penis. The male organ, the penis."

She says, "Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?"

The doctor says, "That's the glans. The head of the penis, the glans."

She says, "Okay. And what are those two round things, about twelve inches behind the head?"

The doctor says, "Well, lady, I don't know about your fiancé, but on me, they're the cheeks of my ass."

[worldangel]

Joke: Crutches

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches?" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[worldangel]

Joke: Fatal sex

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal.

Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed, replied, "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

[worldangel]

Joke: The new Viagra

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three drops

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's little sailor can't salute anymore.

She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.

The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out, get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed."

The wife is very happy and thanks the doctor profusely.

Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.

The lady blushes, smiles and says, "Well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."

[worldangel]

Joke: The relax pills

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said, "Please give me a prescription for the Pill."

"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."

"It relaxes me."

"But you know the purpose of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician.

"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Quarter Viagra

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Worst way to die

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my f**king house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who’s the real boss?

BOSS hangs a Poster in his Office......"I M the BOSS, dont forget & remain in your limits".

He returns fromm lunch & finds a slip on his desk:"You WIFE called, she wants the POSTER back at home"

[worldangel]

Joke: The perfect girl

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl ..once. I guess she was the one perfect girl....the only perfect girl I really ever met, she was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

[worldangel]

Joke: Whose smart?

Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks."

"You've got a deal mister." He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. "Hundred bucks says you can't do it again."

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He falls thirteen stories to his death. The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you're an prick when you're drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Never ask woman her age

Nurse to Patient: How old are you, Mrs.Smith?

Patient: None of your business.

Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.

Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?

Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

Patient: All Right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?

Nurse: Zero.

Patient: And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

Joke: Married soldier

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

1st Soldier: Why did you join the army?

2nd Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!

[worldangel]

Joke: Married soldier

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

1st Soldier: Why did you join the army?

2nd Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!

[worldangel]

Joke: Your prayer were answered

A young man, living away from home, writes to his parents:

Dear folks,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,

Marvin.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said:

Dear Son,

Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came."

[worldangel]

Joke: Obituary

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realises that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Brad, open the newspaper to page 5."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 5 now!"

"Ok, ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 5?"

"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"Ok, ok, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks in a trembling voice, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Shoe tongue

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, they thsthillfeelth a bithtighth."

[worldangel]

Joke: Chairman of the board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Are we over the border yet

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's just over smart when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border

[worldangel]

Joke: A longer ladder

“Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window.”

“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”

“No, it’s you I want,” she yelled.

“They need a longer ladder!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The strongest weight lifter

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to make a telephone call.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:

"Thanks for the treat!"

"The World's Fastest Runner"

[worldangel]

Joke: Definitions of Designation

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Consultant is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Site Engineer is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Third party auditor is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

[worldangel]

Joke: A wonderful exercise

A neighbour of mine, Myron, in his mid-50's, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over.

The cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery."

So after his discharge from the hospital, Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said.

His wife looked at him and told him, "That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."