Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Jokes from doctor 1

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!”

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

[worldangel]

Joke: Jokes from doctors 2

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

[worldangel]

Joke: Jokes from doctors 3

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Jokes from doctors 4

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.

I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.

“Now both,” I requested. There was silence.

He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.

I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.

I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

[worldangel]

Joke: Jokes from doctors 5

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked. “

The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see… Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

[worldangel]

Joke: Jokes from doctors 6

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”

After a look of complete confusion she answered… “Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Jokes from doctors 7

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.

I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled “KY Jelly.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Jokes from doctors 8

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks into bar

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home

[worldangel]

Joke: Two oldmen in a bar

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said, "Last night, I did my wife doggy style - it was great!"

"Doggy style?" said the other guy, why, I do it doggy style every night of the week!!

"Wow!!" said the first guy.

"Yep" he replied: "I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Lulu

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied,"Oh, it's easy, dear.

I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rejects the organ

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant.

She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor, "I'm worried about my friend, Doc, what if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor says, "Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?"

"She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Depressed old man

A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.

He says, "Doc, I think I'm impotent."

The Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire, how the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.

Finally the doctor asks, "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pool rules

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Medicare for senior citizens

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.

And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

[worldangel]

Joke: I need your help

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

[worldangel]

Joke: Most dangerous of all

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Simple logic of woman

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The same old story

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.

He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."

A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."

When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." The old man said, "And the same old story!!

[worldangel]

Joke: The forbidden treat

My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fibre" were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating chocolate, and concluded,

"Apples are not only more healthful, but also less expensive. Do you know I paid 75 cents for this chocolate bar?"

We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

Then from the back of the room a voice spoke up . . .. . . "I'll give you a dollar for it."

[worldangel]

Joke: The angel

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up.

He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Merc logo

A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.

When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for.

The driver replied, "Why it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down".

"Ah I see", said the man.

With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck hunters

A couple of redneck hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing. His eyes were rolled back in his head. The other guy whipped out his mobile phone and called the emergency services.

He gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, said, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There was silence, then a gun shot. The guy's voice came back on the line.

He said, "Okay, now what?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The language teacher

Martin was an English teacher in a language school. After working at his current school for six months, he decided it was time to find a better job with a higher salary.

In his final week at the school, he told Carla, one of his favourite one-to-one students.

‘I’m afraid that next term I won’t be teaching in this school any more, Carla. I’m moving to another city.’

‘I’m really sorry about that, Martin. I wish you weren’t going.’ Carla replied.

‘Well, thank you, Carla! It’s very kind of you to say so.’

‘The new teacher won’t be as good as you are. I’m sure the lessons won’t be as good as yours.’ said the student.

‘That’s so nice of you!’ said Mark, flattered.

‘Yes,’ continued Carla, ‘I’ve been coming to this school for five years now and every new teacher has been worse than the one before.’

[worldangel]

Joke: The perfect dieting diet ice cream

A man went into a restaurant and the waitress came over to ask him what he wanted.

The man said, 'I'll have some vanilla ice cream and some strawberry ice cream, some lemon ice cream and some banana ice cream.'

'OK, sir.' said the waitress, 'Will there be anything else?'

'Er, yes...' said the man, 'Do you have any chocolate sauce?'

'Yes, sir. We do,' replied the waitress.

'Great, I'll have double chocolate sauce on that.'

'Anything else, sir?'

'Oh, yes, do you have any cream?'

'Certainly sir.'

'And,' continued the man, 'I'll have extra cream on all of those.'

'Yes sir.' said the waitress, writing down the whole order, 'And would you like any nuts on top?'

'Nuts?' said the man, horrified, 'Oh, no! I won't have any nuts. I'm on a diet.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The forest fire

It was towards the end of a particularly hot, dry summer and a huge forest fire had broken out. The fire was getting out of control, even though the emergency services were doing their best to deal with the problem. A photo-journalist working with one of the larger national newspapers was keen to get some good shots of the fire for the next day’s edition. He persuaded the editor to charter a private plane to get him above the action.

‘I know it’s expensive,’ he told the editor, ‘But it will be worth it. It’ll really help me to get the best pictures!’

So he made a call to arrange for a small private plane and drove as fast as possible to the airport. He rushed out to the runway and spotted a small aircraft with a young pilot in it.

Wasting no time, he jumped into the seat next to the pilot, pulled the door closed and said to the pilot, ‘I want you to take us up to altitude.’

When they reached altitude the photographer said to the pilot, ‘Now, do you see that fire over to the east of us? I want you to fly over that. I’d like you to get as close as you can.’

‘Really?’ asked the pilot, amazed. ‘You seriously expect me to fly over that fire? You can’t ask me to do that!’

‘Of course I’m serious. That’s why I’m here. I’m a professional photographer and I need you to take me to where I can take some dramatic shots of the fire.’

‘So I guess that means, that you aren’t the flight instructor?’ said the pilot

[worldangel]

Joke: Cows on the track

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Crowded bus

A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head.

Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.

Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips.

He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

She replied, "No, no, puppies."

[worldangel]

Joke: Checking meters

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood.

They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Off-duty cop

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets-each for not wearing a seat belt.

[worldangel]

Joke: A letter from dad

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.Your mum read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your mother out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned cause they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love

Dad

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t step on the ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On getting older

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "But he minded his own business!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A policeman knocked on my door

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.

The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Marry him

Jane loved Tony, but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together.

How can I stop Tony spending so much money on me? She asked her mother.

Marry him!

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost purse

A lady lost her handbag. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Joke: Fastest worker

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.

He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

Joke: Fastest worker

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.

He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

Joke: Fastest worker

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.

He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fastest worker

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.

He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

[worldangel]

Joke: How to call the police

George, an elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Image removed by sender.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

In five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Police Dog, Fire Truck, a Paramedic, and an residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people

[worldangel]

Joke: Old aunt Emma

A couple happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Finally the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The shoe repair shop

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[worldangel]

Joke: Inner peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha remainder of bot Prozac and Valium scriptins, the res of the Cheses cake an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkingud I fel.

Peassen dis orn to demyu fee AR in nedovinrpece. Hic!

[worldangel]

Joke: Unusual disorder

"DOC, YOU'VE GOT to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."

"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."

"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."

[worldangel]

Joke: Boy or girl

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby called to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,

.

.

.

[worldangel]

Joke: At the movie theatre

While watching a movie recently, a man couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he tapped one of them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," he said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," one woman replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

[worldangel]

Joke: A boss joke

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.

Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

“What’s the matter with you?” said the boss. “Don't you have a sense of humor?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.

[worldangel]

Joke: The fake gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

[worldangel]

Joke: A penny for your thoughts

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.

They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."

The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinking how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."

So she did so.

But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinking now?"

To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hoping ye hadn't forgotten the penny!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Prepare to be a widow

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room.

Peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know, she met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Car theft

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[worldangel]

Joke: The older we get … (at McDonald)

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)