Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The older we get … (ATM)

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

[worldangel]

Joke: The older we get … (Intern)

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

[worldangel]

Joke: The older we get … (911)

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. Then the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: The older we get … (door remote control)

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

Edited March 20, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Deadly mistake

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir,I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulation on your new location.'''

Edited March 20, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The sack

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.

Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

Edited March 20, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Soldier’s affairs

A soldier serving overseas and far from home was very bitter and terribly upset when his girl wrote that she was breaking off their engagement and wanted her photograph back.

Being a sort of creative fellow, he went out and collected all the unwanted photographs that he could find from his buddies, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

Dear Mary,

Regret cannot remember which one of these is of you... please keep your photo and return the others.

[worldangel]

Joke: Elixir of life

In a village in the mountains, a little old man with a beard and a young girl set up a stall in the market place one day, selling bottles of homemade medicine, labelled ‘The Elixir of Life’.

‘Come on, everyone!’ the old man called out. ‘Don’t miss your chance to beat ageing. This is your opportunity to buy Archie’s miracle medicine. It’s the only medicine that cures old age. You only have to look at me to see the proof. I’m two hundred and five years old.’

A crowd quickly gathered around the market stall, and the old man and the girl were kept busy handing out the bottle of medicine and taking the money.

There were two younger men in the crowd, and one of them said to the other, ‘You don’t really think he’s genuine, do you?’

‘I don’t know. He might be telling the truth. He’s got an honest face.’

‘You’ve got to be kidding! said the man. ‘He must be lying. It has to be a trick.’

‘Well, why not ask his assistant, then, if you don’t believe it?’ suggested his friend.

So the man approached the girl and asked. ‘He can’t really be that old, can he? That’s completely ridiculous. Tell me the truth, is he really two hundred and five years old?’

‘I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t really say.’ the girl replied, ‘I’ve only been working for him for the past seventy five years.’

[worldangel]

Joke: The older we get … (at Walmart)

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

[worldangel]

Joke: A chain smoker

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”

“Four.”

“How long have you been smoking?”

“Thirty years.”

“That’s over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”

“Never.”

“Do you own this building?”

“No.”

“Well, I do.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma’s 100th birthday

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right..

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"These Idiots won't let me fart."

[worldangel]

Joke: Once and only once

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

"I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office.

"Let me introduce my son, Mike," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old folk

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.About a month later the little lady came in to his shop."And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Play animal game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your

mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?"

Joke: Pete & Dave

Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Pete says "Dave what are you so happy for?"

"Well Pete, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Pete. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim!!."

The next day Pete walks into the bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face. Pete says "What are you so happy about today Dave?"

"Well Pete... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here. She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim!!

A couple of days pass and Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave crying over a beer. Pete says "Dave, why are you so sad?"

"Well Pete, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?"

"Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her, WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Pete !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

....Pete, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pete & Dave

Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Pete says "Dave what are you so happy for?"

"Well Pete, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Pete. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim!!."

The next day Pete walks into the bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face. Pete says "What are you so happy about today Dave?"

"Well Pete... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here. She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim!!

A couple of days pass and Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave crying over a beer. Pete says "Dave, why are you so sad?"

"Well Pete, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?"

"Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her, WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Pete !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

....Pete, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Circus animal trainer

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...Think you can do better than that?"

The man spat out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The shady doctor

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[worldangel]

Joke: A girl about to tie the knot

A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her

mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.

"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "S**t woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bedtime game

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."

The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,"Goal! 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately notto be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart.

He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old maid sisters

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Climbing the ladder of success

Joe was walking along the road when he found a ladder leading into the clouds.

Being a naturally curious guy he climbs it. He is surprised when, on the first cloud, he finds a really ugly naked woman on it. "F**k me now or climb the ladder to success."

She said. 'No contest' Joe thinks. So he climbs on. On the next cloud there is a fairly attractive nude woman. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success" She says.

Again, Joe climbs on. On the next cloud there is a very attractive, and again butt-naked woman. "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." She says, sucking at her fingers gently with one hand, and playing with herself with the other. 'These women have all been getting nicer.'

Joe thinks' The next one will be gorgeous' On the next cloud, and the end of the ladder, there is a grotesque fat ugly bloke covered in horses**t and with flies buzzing round his head.

"Who the f**k are you?" Joe cries "Hi," says the bloke,." I'm Cess!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Gynaecologist

A gorgeous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism flew out the window. He was overwhelmed with passion and desire and immediately told her to get undressed.

After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he said, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You're checking for abrasions and dermatological abnormalities.

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You're checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the doctor.

Then he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes.... which is why I'm here."

[worldangel]

Joke: In mourning

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she?d go out, but didn't know anyone.Her daughter immediately replies: 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: 'Why the black panties?'

She replies: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: 'What’s with the black condom?'

He replies: 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Anatomy class

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class.

The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom factory vacancy

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at condom factory. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asked the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside

The condom factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check

For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

[worldangel]

Joke: The place I have been ….

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

[worldangel]

Joke:This is mummy

Jennifer sprang to answer the telephone.

"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."

"Oh Mummy," Jennifer said crying, "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Andersons and the Nicholsons for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband Wayne at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."

"Wayne?" said Jennifer. "Who's Wayne?"

"Why, Wayne's your husband....Is this 0208 123 3749?"

"No, this is 0208 123 3747."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number."

There was a short pause, then Jennifer said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

[worldangel]

Joke:Don’t mess with female drivers

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days. Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault, women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine just fine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No.. I think now I'll just wait for the police.........' And

When the police came, he smell the wine out of the mouth of the man.....

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever n smart creations of God. Don't mess with them okay?

[worldangel]

Joke:The handsome stranger

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips . . . . . . she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes and he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...

Don't Ya Just Love Shopping for Shoes!

And what were you thinking???

[worldangel]

Joke: Robber’s mask

A hooded robber burst into a Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman gossip

A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop.

One day they were sitting very very quietly.

A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.

He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bear hunters

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The guide dog

A visitor was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."

The blind man turned to me and said, "No, I'm going to thoroughly kick that dog's butt. I'm just using the dog biscuit to determine which end is which."

[worldangel]

Joke: The vicious circle

The boss calls his secretary & says" Get ready for the weekend. We are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband & says "Me& my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself"

The husband calls his mistress &says."My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun"

The mistress calls the boy to whom she gives tuition "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his grand father "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary & says "Business trip is canceled.

I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson"

The secretary calls husband "I won't be going"

The husband calls his mistress "I am sorry My wife is not going "

The mistress calls boy "You have tuition"

Boy calls his grandpa & says "Sorry grandpa I've classes"

The grandpa calls secretary and...

[worldangel]

Joke: No 69

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking an oriental girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place 'for a coffee'.

They get to her flat and she tells him to get himself a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink the sexy oriental seductress returns wearing only a see through negligee. "I am your sex slave" she says "I will do ANYTHING you want".

The man can't believe his luck "Hmmm" he says grinning from ear to ear, "I really fancy a 69" "f**k off" replies the girl "I'm not cooking at this time of the night"

[worldangel]

Joke: Never be rude to anyone

A tourist asked a boat guy in a remote island, "Do you know Biology, Psychology, Geography, Geology or Criminology?"

The boat guy said, "No. I don't know any of these."

The tourist then said, "What the hell do you know on the face of this Earth? You will die of illiteracy!"

The boat guy said nothing.. After a while the boat developed a fault and started sinking. The boatman then asked the tourist, "Do you know Swimology and Escapology from Crocodiology?"

The tourist said, "No!"

The boat guy replied, "Well, today you will Drownology and Crocodiology will eat your Assology. I will not Helpology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology."

[worldangel]

Joke: No more kids

 

A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"

The woman answered, "Four."

The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."

Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"

"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Weight scale

 

At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

'It won't work,' Judi countered. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t feel too bad

 

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... 

One Friday, Rick showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... 

Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... 

I can't believe it"... 

At which point Bob put his hand on Rick's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Get yourself a train

 

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

[worldangel]

Joke: The sane advice?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How many packs?

Man: 3 packs daily.

Lady: How much is per pack for your brand?

Man: $ 8 a pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: Almost 18 years.

Lady: So one pack costs $ 8 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $ 720. In one year, it would be $ 8640. Correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $ 8640, you collectively spent $ 155,520. Correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 18 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No.

Man: Where's your freaking Ferrari then?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost in translation

 

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Solitary confinement

 

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. 

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. 

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. 

The second guy asks for his wife. 

And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. 

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." 

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiufull new family. I love it." 

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, saying "Anybody got a match?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Sunday edition

 

An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Women should not have children after 35

 

This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it.

Women should not have children after 35!
Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very little experience in the matter.

I don't care what the doctor says.
I don't care what your friends say.
I don't even care what your pastor says.
Women should not have children after 35!
I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it, 
and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."

You can quote me on this. If you want to say that I said it. And I said it more than once.
"Women should not have children after 35!"
Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by what I said.
You may disagree with me, that I am your right.
I still stand firm on the issue.

With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change 
but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
Women should not have children after 35!
35 children are enough!

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dear Dr Phil

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks.

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught

[worldangel]

Joke: The football player

There was a football coach that had a player on his team who was a bit slow.

The Headmaster told him that if the player could learn the formula for water,

then he would be allowed to play in the big game.

The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office and asked him to recite the formula for water.

The player grinned real big and said, 'H I J K L M N O.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The blind date

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Went shopping

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down main street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Damn, baby!" the skinhead cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Home early

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife in the company of another man.

The conversation goes like this...

Wife : Why are you so early from work ?

Husband : Who is he ?

Wife : Now , don't change the topic !!