Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke:Cow on the tracks

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Checking meters

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Once and only once

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

"I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office.

"Let me introduce my son, Mike," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Eccentric philosophy professor

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Classmates

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended DAV Sr Secondary, Chandigarh.

"Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat, Grey-haired, Decrepit man asked: "What did you teach???"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking & Driving

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[worldangel]

Joke: 50th high school reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.

This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... Yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

"Why you silly man I said, Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fantastic legs

Man walks into his local bar, Just inside the door, there is a very fat girl dancing on a table,

He watches for a while and as he passes he says :"Fantastic legs",

The girl stops dancing , smiles and says "do you really think so?"

He says "Absolutely, any other table would have collapsed by now!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My new neighbour

She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my path. She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looked at me & said, "Colin, I just got home, & I am so happy! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, & make love all night long! Are you busy to-night?”

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive fishing trip

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Geeeez! It's a damn good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you have the time?

A man has been driving all night. He decides to stop in the next town for a few hours and get some sleep.

As luck would have it, he pulls up by a park frequented by early morning joggers.

No sooner has he settled back to get some shut-eye when a jogger starts knocking on his window. ‘Excuse me, sir,’ says the jogger. ‘Do you have the time?’

The man looks at his car clock and says, ‘8.15.’ The jogger says his thanks and leaves.

The man settles back again, but just as he’s dozing off there’s another jogger knocking on the window. ‘Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?’ asks the jogger.

‘8.25!’ snaps the man.

To prevent any more interruptions the man writes a note saying ‘I do not know the time!’ and sticks it to his window.

He settles back but is disturbed by yet another jogger knocking on the window. ‘Excuse me, sir,’ says the jogger. ‘It’s 8.35.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Prison joke

A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly oldtimer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.

So the oldtimer teaches the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals.

A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused. In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated,one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, "47."

Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically.

A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says, "19." Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone. This goes on throughout the meal.

Later, when the youngster and the oldtimer get back to their cell, the young man asks, "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed."

"Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals.

You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it's like someone told the whole funny story."

The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep.

After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.

So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says, "26." No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again, "26."

Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.

Later, he pleads with the oldtimer to explain what happened. "That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed."

The old man turned to him and explained, "It's the way you told it."

[worldangel]

Joke: How to fly an aeroplane for dummies

Always wondering the pleasure of flying the aero plane a airplane cleaner

came early morning to clean the plane and saw a book "How to fly an aero plane for dummies. Part I" on pilot's seat.

He opened the book and started reading, "First Press the green button on right to start the engine." Well he did and the engine started. He flipped to page 2 and it read Press purple button to start airplane moving on runway."

He did and airplane started moving and catching up the speed. He went to third page and it read, press the red button to take off the plane in air."

He did and plane was flying. He started turning the pilot's wheel and plane started circling, going up and down and was having lots of fun. He decided before any one knows to land the plane, go home and brag to his girlfriend."

He went to next page and it read in red "To land the plane successfully go to the nearby wall mart store and buy Part II for dummies."

[worldangel]

Joke: Childbirth at 65

Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!!!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Crowded bus

A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head.

Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.

Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips.

He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

She replied, "No, no, puppies."

[worldangel]

Joke: The best son

There was this little old lady who was nearly blind and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So Son Number 1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son Number 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking her would surely win her approval.

Son Number 3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot that had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask of him any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son I just want to thank you for that most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

[worldangel]

Joke: Football game

Peter had planned on watching the football game with his friend Harry.

Peter arrived a bit late and the game had already started. Harry asked him, "What kept you?"

Peter replied, "I could not make up my mind between going to Church and going to the football game. so I tossed a coin."

"So what took you so long?" asked Harry.

Peter answered, "I had to toss it 40 times."

[worldangel]

Joke: The $20,000 dog

An economist had finished his day at work and was leaving for home, when he noticed a small boy call out to him from the footpath where he was sitting with a dog.

The boy said, "Sir, would you like to buy a dog."

The economist was surprised by the approach, but asked nevertheless, "How much are you selling the dog for?"

The boy replied "Twenty thousand dollars."

"Twenty thousand dollars for this dog!" the economist exclaimed. "Does he know any special tricks to make him worth so much money?"

The boy replied, "Sir, this dog never made a dime in his life. If you take into consideration the expenses on his food, I think you will lose money on him every year."

The economist did not want to let go the opportunity to lecture the boy about the principles of economics and explained to him the fact that a commodity needed to yield more returns than it consumed to equal a purchase price.

He finished by saying that the five dollars could be the maximum sum that should be expected for the dog, that too from somebody who just wanted a companion. Feeling satisfied with the knowledge that he had imparted to the young boy, the economist went away.

A few days later, the economist again noticed the small boy was again sitting on the footpath but this time there was no dog in sight. He asked the boy, "Did you get the five dollars for your dog?"

The boy said, "No, I got twenty thousand dollars for him."

The business man was stunned. "How on earth did you get twenty thousand dollars for that dog?" he asked.

"It was a piece of cake," replied the boy. "I traded him for two ten thousand dollar cats."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cute little boy

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" !

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce replies instantly, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think little Bruce is so cute anymore.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three tasks

A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the Devil is standing in front of 3 doors.

The Devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You have to complete 3 tasks.

"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.

"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out.

"Behind the third door is a woman whose sexual desire is unsatiable. When you've completely satisfied her, you can leave."

The guy figures it's worth a shot, so he goes in the first door and manages to drink the whole jug of liquor.

He goes in the second door, shuts it, and the most horrible commotion can be heard from inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally comes out.

His clothes are torn to shreds, and he is sliced and scratched head to toe.

Finally he manages to say, "Okay, now where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sick-time abuse

Negotiations between Union members and their employer were at an impasse.

The Union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the Company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper,

"This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a Union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Job interview question

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.

"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead by firing squad

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad.

The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped.

The shopkeeper was led out next, as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped.

The teacher was then lead out, the squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You must let me on

A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside. There's no room,' they said. 'It's full up!'

'But you must let me on!' shouted the man.

'Why, what's so special about you?' they asked.

I'm the driver,' replied the man.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pardon me

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her Assets would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her Assets instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her Assets. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "A Waiter Crushed to Death!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 2 kinds of people

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men – memory test

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first old man,

"What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man,

"It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man,

"Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I’d like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,

Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old what possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

[clementi]

Joke: Movies changed

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..

[clementi]

Joke: Sharing everything

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

[clementi]

Joke: Problems driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

[clementi]

Joke: She is angry at you

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."

"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

[clementi]

Joke: Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you know your number?

The teacher asks Jumper if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he says. "My Daddy taught me."

"Can you tell me what comes after three?"

"Four"

"What comes after six?"

"Seven"

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your Father did a very fine job.

What comes after ten?"

"A jack," answers Jumper...

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting married

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old mate: So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Counting on you

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Father & son

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t lie your age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.

She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, 'What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?'

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, 'I don't know... why don't you play your age?'

He walks away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, 'What happened? Is she all right?'

The operator replies, 'I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up, then she just fainted!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Let me go

A radical feminist is getting on a bus, when just in front of her, a man gets up and offers his seat.

She thinks to herself,

'Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat', and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A minute later, the man tries to get up again.

She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

This goes on a couple more times over the next few minutes.

Finally, the man says, 'Look, lady, you've got to let me get up, I should have gotten off 4 stops ago

[worldangel]

Joke: The pigeons

I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car.

It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.

A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird.

Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood.

Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds.

But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.

All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.

No way was I going to be pigeon towed!

[worldangel]

Joke: The ghost picture

There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted.

Since the preacher didn't believe in such things, he rented it.

It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe him.

They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost.

When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible, feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost.

When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mistakes

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months.

He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

'This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,' he said.

'I know,' the owner said. 'But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.'

The contractor said. 'Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The crowded store

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

[worldangel]

Joke: When death came

Death came to a guy and said,"My friend today is your day..."

The guy said,"But I am not ready!"

Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list..."

So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?"

Death said, "All right..."

The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list.

When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The alert stewardess

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other up, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet?he suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees, and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharpeyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to, so she humiliates them both by making an announcement over the radio

.

To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you smoke?

“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”

“About ten.”

“What do they cost you?”

“Twenty cents a piece.”

“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”

“Thirty years.”

“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Do you see that office building on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No, never did.”

“Do you own that building?”

“No.”

[worldangel]

Joke: After an accident

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Chess enthusiasts

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

[worldangel]

Joke: How to control your anger?

Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?”

Wife: “I clean the toilet.”

Husband: “How does that help?”

Wife: “I use your Toothbrush.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At sex toys store

In a sex toys store a guy asks for an inflatable doll.

The seller:

- Would you like a regular one, or the one with artificial intellect?

- With artificial intellect, please.

The next day the same guy returns and asks:

- Please change it to a regular one…

- Why?

- She didn't give it to me.